Merry Christmas

I really haven't been here in a while. However, I felt lucky that I have a chance to post something on this Christmas Day. Merry Christmas to everybody.

It has been really busy this month, with both school and work. I should be more proud of myself than before, just because I received some christmas presents from my patients. They thought of me when they did their christmas shopping. At least I am not as pathetic as I thought of myself.

In this season of giving and sharing, not only I received, I also gave. That's why I was busy with my christmas shopping right after my exam on the 19th. Aunties and Uncles from church are so nice to me all through the year. They take care of me, give rides, provide accommodations, assist me with anything I need. This is the time to say thank you and show them how much I appreciate with their help, although sometimes I really wish my own dad is with me. So, starting from Tuesday, I went to Eaton Centre 3 days in a row. Getting presents not only for them, but also for coworkers at the clinic. I was surprised that I received christmas presents from them. Thinking about the christmas time I had at meditech.....wasn't very pleasant...but anyways, i remember we had a nice dinner together. We didn't have christmas dinner at this clinic because my boss is Jewish. They celebrate Hannuka instead.

Can't believe it's the end of the year already. This is almost one year after the break up. I saw him last week at pick up volleyball. I don't know if this is even worthwhile to write about anymore because i didn't really talk to him. I didn't know what to say and didn't want to listen any crap he was gonna throw at me. So ya, a year eh..... [speechless with a big sigh]

Continue to complain

A year ago I was terrified of not being able to graduate because I thought I was gonna go through another year of dark, distressful life. Therefore, I studied like mad. I studied like there was no tomorrows just to get my ass out of school. With my university degree, that piece of paper, I made my parents satisfied and I would be able to do whatever I want. I would be able to live my life happily with no stress.

Now, I realized things don't quite come out the same way as I imagined. As a pisces, I was probably a little too creative in visualizing my life beyond graduation. Darkness did not go away. Tears still fall as usual. Laughters did not come in pitches. Stress did not become desserts.

Two nights in a week, I cried alone at home. Not only my tears fell, I helplessly cried out. I need a reason, a reason for myself to drop my tears. Otherwise, I would be clinically depressed. I am not clinically depressed. I know that.

The first night was because of me watching Gilmore Girls by myself at home. Loralai welcomed Rory to come home although she dropped out of college, lost her job, ran away from home+grandparents' home. Rory would like to share the happiness with her mother because she found herself a new job, a company she has been longing to get into. They had not seen each other for months and they finally hugged. AT the same moment, my nose went sour.

That was a really really sweet scene except may be I was a little jealous. That's something that I am never going to enjoy, to experience--mother supporting daughter for whatever she is doing. Every single time, she would not wait to tell me how much she has sacrifice for me and that's the reason why I should not go back to nursing school for another 4 years.

The second night was Sunday night, the Q&A session with Justin. I know it's not because of Justin, my Godbrother, but the whole picture of me with his family. First of all, I already felt like an orphan whenever they talked about how their kids behaved when they took them to church like 20 years ago. Then Auntie gave me cut eye everytime she caught me looking at her, or talking to her two sons. So, I tried not to talk to them in her presence. I know Uncle loves me, I still need to have conversation with Uncle. The fact that she is not happy with me for whatever reason bugs me a lot. Honestly, I could not think of anything that I have had offended her. And this is a burden for not only me, but also herself for not being happy with me. I wish I could help her that's why I talk to Justin about it. But it seems like Justin is a little too occupied with his girl lately and have absolutely no time to deal with this kind of soap business. It's not like he cares anyways. I was thinking of... may be she is not happy with me invading into her family. She is satisfied with a family of four. It may be disturbing for me just being there. In other words, my existence causes trouble.

Now I am upset with myself. I am pretty sure everybody in this world is not completely satisfied with their lives. They must have somekind of obstacles, dark times, stressful situations. Why am I the only one who is complaining constantly?