Screw School and go on Vaccay!!!

Starting from tomorrow, Ross, my coworker will be gone to Europe for his brother's wedding. I will be working alone. It's going to be super busy. Hopefully we will be able to pull through. I know Matt and Christina will be helping. Omg, Matt is so nice. Last week I thought he was mad at me because I talked about my personal issue with some patients. I thought I wasn't supposed to do that. I saw him standing outside the room. I didn't know he was listening intentionally, I stopped talking once I knew he was there. I bet he was wondering why I talked to the patients instead of him. Well, I wish I could, but no matter how nice he is, he is still my boss. I don't know how to see him as a friend who could make me to share personal life with him. He says he is going to invite all of us to his cottage one weekend. I am looking forward to that. Because now he knows I like canoeing, and so as he.

The stress from school is still dragging me down so much. Right now I am not worried about Eric anymore. I am more worried about my stupid genetics course. I hate it so much, I have absolutely no interest in it. And I am doing crap on it. I will be so pissed if I couldn't get accepted to nursing school just because of this course. man...can't believe it. I always think that I don't have enough time to finish my work. It comes to a point that I hate myself because I need to spend time to feed myself. And on the volunteer night, three different people asked me what I was going to do after I graduate. I was trying to talk about it patiently. However, when it came to the third person, I said nursing school blah blah blah...and you know what, I really don't want to talk about it. It's killing me. I can't take it anymore.

I need a vacation. Someday, I thought of Fr Roland. Then I wanted to go to Rome to visit him. However, I don't know if he is going to be in Rome this summer. I want to visit Rome, the Vatican City, home of the Roman Catholics, well also, haven't seen Fr Roland forever. I want to talk to him. But the air ticket is like 688 the cheapest. Plus I think I am going to Vancouver for the tourny. I will be spending a lot of money this summer. What should I do?

Depression

If you are depressed at the moment some of the following symptoms may sound familiar:

You feel miserable and sad. Yes

You feel exhausted a lot of the time with no energy . most of the time

You feel as if even the smallest tasks are sometimes impossible. there is no small tasks at all

You seldom enjoy the things that you used to enjoy-you may be off sex or food or may 'comfort eat' to excess. i don't go to vball anymore....

You feel very anxious sometimes. yes

You don't want to see people or are scared to be left alone. Social activity may feel hard or impossible. Hell YES

You find it difficult to think clearly. sometimes

You feel like a failure and/or feel guilty a lot of the time. most of the time

You feel a burden to others. Yes

You sometimes feel that life isn't worth living. Hell YES

You can see no future. There is a loss of hope. You feel all you've ever done is make mistakes and that's all that you ever will do. no future and no hope true, but don't feel I am making mistake
You feel irritable or angry more than usual. yes, then I cry

You feel you have no confidence. Always

You spend a lot of time thinking about what has gone wrong, what will go wrong or what is wrong about yourself as a person. You may also feel guilty sometimes about being critical of others (or even thinking critically about them). Yes

You feel that life is unfair. to me, i have no choice

You have difficulty sleeping or wake up very early in the morning and can't sleep again. You seem to dream all night long and sometimes have disturbing dreams. now this one is hard, because it only counts when you have problem in waking up not because you want to sleep more, but you don't want to start a new day, and yes this is happening

You feel that life has/is 'passing you by.' ...um... don't know, but for sure I am not enjoying life

You may have physical aches and pains which appear to have no physical cause, such as back pain. Oh ya, big time

ugh, "some of the following"? try most

Happy Easter

It was Good friday yesterday. I had a relatively good day since I spent zero minute on my school work. I was glad that I did my reconcilation yesterday. I met with Eric, my ex, for dinner last night.

I wasn't going to do the penance yesterday. I was struggling so bad. I didn't know when to do and what I am going to say. Alice asked me if I have done it for this easter or not. I said no. Then I decided, why not today. I was at the church and I had time. So I went. That was one of the most amazing feeling I have had. I was so nervous before, but I felt relieved afterwards. Fr Elliot was so nice and he made me to believe that God forgive my sins. He don't only forgive us, he cleanse us that's why he created this sacrement for us. I am so sure that God just show me his wonderful love through him. He welcome me home by open his arms to embrace me. Thank you. Thank you so much.

I met Eric for dinner last night. It was our first reunion after the break up. It actually went good. It was supposed to be my birthday celebration. Whatever, after the whole day of fasting, I had a nice Jap dinner with him. He changed his hair style, looked completely different. I asked him some important questions. I asked if he was willing to tell me if he moves on to start another relationship, and if he was going throw out everything I gave him. Yes and No respectively. Then I asked, whether he wanted to know if I am going to start a new relationship. Of course he wants to know lol. Well, then I felt good after those questions. I am so glad we met. I am getting more familiar with this friendship feeling with him. I feel like I don't want to be with him anymore. Again, like what I said to Richie, I feel comfortable with the friendship we build up. And I don't want to go any further than this.

And you know what's funny? When we left the Jap restaurant, we walked by a group of guys. Eric walked first and I followed him. I heard one of the guys said, "That guy doesn't deserve her." I was like, what the heck? How could people make comments like that? But that feels good lol.

I couldn't meet that patient since he showed up late in the afternoon. However, he made another appointment on tuesday, which I am going to miss him again. Hey guy, I am working on wednesday, friday and saturday!!!!

Long weekend

It's Easter Long weekend. People are supposed to have a 4 day long weekend holiday. Unfortunetly, I am not getting any holiday. I work on Good friday, saturday and school on Easter Monday.

I was so tired last night that's why I didn't write anything. I came back from the pool, felt hungry, ate then slept.

I received a phone call from Eric last night. He said he called me and he missed my call. That's why he was calling me back. But I didn't call him. Why would I want to call him? I didn't want to talk to him. So, I was kinda quiet on the phone. I didn't know what to say. I didn't want to tell him about anything. Since there wasn't anything happening plus I didn't want to tell him about Richie. He is draggin' me down too much that I need to get rid of this negative energy inside of me asap.

Both Maverick and Richie abandoned me last night. I was supposed to have dinner with mav, but he told me that he couldn't make it in the afternoon. Then I called Richie cos we were supposed to have dinner before I made arrangement with mav. But he had other plans already. So, I was left out. A patient overheard me on the phone when I was talking to Richie. He asked me what happened then I told him that I was abandoned with no dates. I couldn't believe his reaction. He said 'I would be surprised if that was true.' I was like speechless. I finally squeezed out "it was really flattering ..hahaha" Then he stared at me for the whole treatment, in a weird way. I didn't remember the last time I had a flush because of that, but now I know it's yesterday. He was the last patient, so we kinda met again on the subway, still staring at me. He said he was going to come again today. Don't know if that's going to happen. Haha, that was fun.

Spring's almost here

I can't believe it. I was that tired. I typed up the whole thing, then I accidentally hit the close button. Have to do it over again, i will keep it brief, since I can't really open my eyes now.
Let's do it in point form:

1, Long winter is really depressing. I thought after we hit March 21st, we will have nice spring. However, we have a little snow today. Don't worry, we will have a great great summer. I have been starting planning what I am going to do in the summer. So excited. Man, anywhere but Hong Kong please.

2, I think I have reached the "I don't want to talk to my ex" stage. He has been dragging me down for the last couple of months. I was emotionally disturbed. Although I am still passing, my marks are crap. I can't blame everything on him, however, he is part of it for sure. I don't know what to do with him. When I was with him, I always feel that he is the best I could get. However, after spending some time with Richie, I know that, someday, somewhere, somehow there will be a guy who cares about as much as he DID.

3, Special thanks to Eric S. After talking to him on Saturday night, I felt better. Not only he has the patience to listen to me, he cares and tries to help me with the problems. I am starting to feel that there are people that I don't aware of who care about me. I should start to use my sense of feeling more, and believe less on what I see and what I used to feel.

4, Me and Richie have been great lately. I think we both agree to be friends. He introduced this girl who is crazily in love with him right now. It's great to see them together although i don't quite agree Richie's theory behind it. He still hopes that girl is me. He is trying to show me that he is a romantic guy, and trying to make me think that "i could've been that girl". I may have problem in expressing myself, but I know how confortable I feel when I am around him, I don't want to get involved in a relationship right now. I don't want to ruin our friendship because of that, some vulnerable stupid mistake. I wish we could be a pair of friends who can share everything in life, jokes around and help each other out when we have problems. And he said I am the only girl he wants to but couldn't get so far.

5, Today, I know I am not meant to be a nurse. I just stayed up for one night, and I feel like my body is too fragile to handle it. Seriously, I feel it. I know I am putting a lot of stress on my body. And I know that if I mess up my biological rhythm, I could be pretty screwed. This kind of stress may lead to some severe situation. So, being a nurse may not be an option for me, and I have to accept that. What am I going to do?

6, Matt has been sick from Monday. Poor Matt!! Hopefully he will get better. Prayers with Matt and Pope's health.

Eyes are 3/4 closed. Have to sleep

Hide, no seek

Haven't been here for couple of days, I was completely occupied with school work. That kept me from being emotional.

However, haven't been here for couple of days, things happened. I am more confused than ever. Things do happened, which made me nervous.

Richie was trying to pick up this vulnerable heart of mine. My heart was touched by the healing words of his. Those words were flattering that made me cried. According to him, I felt like I am the most important person on earth. I help people who are in needs. I treat patients who are in pain. He would like me to know how many people out there actually wanted to thank me for being there for them, for having me in their lives. I couldn't hold my tears, because he made me to realize that, I was more useful than I thought. I felt more worthy than ever.

Who doesn't want to fully rely on somebody? But I had this painful experience. How am I going to rely on someone else? How long does it take to build up the trust again? How do I know those are not empty promises? How How How? It's not going to happen. Today I was thinking. If I am granted the chance to go to heaven, can I hug you tight Jesus? Because I know that I can trust you and the promises are not hollow. I really want to know how that hug feels like.

So, I am pretty sure this is a "rebound". I should stop seeing him. I want to be in a relationship because I love someone, not to hold on to someone who makes me feel that I need them. Because this is not how relationship works. He made me feeling worthy. He read my mind through my eyes. Everything sounds so right but I know it's wrong indeed. I am not ready to be in a relationship.

Hide, no seek.

I don't know how I do it. But everyone thinks I am so happy. Uncle Patrick looked at me today. He always says I look beautiful. He asked me why I was so happy today. I was like, "really? do I look happy?" Sometimes, I wonder, what happened to me? God give me this power to hide my sadness so properly that no one even know I am crying. May be that's the reason why people don't need to worry about me. People don't even bother to find out what I am really thinking. I don't know why I always do that. And I don't know how I do it. I don't intentionally hide whatI am thinking. If they ask, I will tell.

The only reasons that I could think of is

1, It's a special gift from God, that my laughter has the power to influence people around me. When people see me smile, they understand what happiness is.

2, He want me to make use of that mask to find out who in this world really cares about me.

Instant disappearence

I met Richie at TGH today. Surprisingly, he was in a bad mood, very bad mood. The optimistic Richie I knew wasn't there. His eyes were red.

He told me what he felt, how he felt. Although he never talked about what happened, I sensed the sadness and disppointment he had.

Most importantly, whatever costs my tears these days, I didn't have the guts to say it, he spoke it out loud. I almost cried, but I didn't. Because I knew he was there. The situation wasn't that bad.

I probably was not the best person to talk to at the moment, since I had so much issues I needed to resolve, or never be resolved. He made me speechless because I just agreed with everything he said. He suggested something like instant disappearence. He would like to do that. I would like to do that too. This disappearence includes completely erasing myself/himself from people's mind as well. How nice? I have never existed. That's the reason why people don't care, because you don't exist. This is better than they know you are there but they just don't care.

If there is a room where I could lock myself up for 7 days without anyone notice, I am there. No cell phones, no msn, no icq. It's not like I always use them anyway. Isn't that sad everyone is away on your msn list? Isn't that sad that you have a whole bunch of numbers in the cell phone but you don't know who to call? I wouldn't talk to people about my problem, I don't know how this is going to end up. Officially got depressed and sent to mental institution? That's would be great. I wouldn't have to deal with the outside world anymore.

How dare could I do that? Wouldn't I be acting like a 6 year old, doing something to make people mad just to grab their attention? And what happens if you find out they don't even know you have left?

"Healers can't heal themselves." I could make a lot of people happy. I generally care for other people, talk to them, listen to them, based on their problem. I help them to be more positive. Like what Richie said today, it's not like I care for you and you have to care for me. We don't measure how much to do for others. However, it would be nice if sometimes, someone is willing to do this for me.

Richie's problem sounded serious. I wish him well. Although he is nice, and feel exactly how I feel, he is not always approachable. I don't know when I am gonna see him again. May be that's part of the instant disappearence he generates.

don't know what the title should be

Today, I finally understand Eric's feeling of shame. Things happened. It's so sad that you really want to share with someone. However, it is too shameful to talk about it. That's exactly how I feel right now. I look at myself, it's too pathetic that I don't want other people to know about that. I am extremely upset today. However, I really don't want to talk about it.

Sometimes, I wonder why people make promises if they are not going to do it.

I almost had the guts to tell tommy, but I stopped after he told me what he was going to do tonight.

Let's face it and stop lying to myself.
Actually, I think I better keep lying. I will be happier this way.

And girl, you should now understand why blind people are more sensitive than open-eyed people. Because they talk to you and sense your feelings, not by looking at you. Just like most of my oversea friends, although I have never admitted it, fei lam knows how I feel.

Shit, this is too sad to talk about. I should stop right here. May be someday, when I feel better, I could talk about it. Right now, I just can't. But I will remind myself what to do in order to feel better.

Material World

I went to Primerica's info session today. It was quite an experience. I actually thought of something else rather than financial management.

First of all, I was amazed by those sales representatives. They were so proud of what they were doing, which was good. They felt good about their job. They got a certain level of satisfaction based on the amount of money they were making by helping other people to get out of debts, to save more money for retirement, and eventually to enjoy their lives at a higher level. Now, this is associated with increasing the standard of living in my economics class. The whole presentation sounded really good. The audience agrees with whatever they said, because we all admitted the fact that MONEY is very important. We can't live without money.

Then, when it came to the last speaker, I felt a little uncomfortable about the way he presented. He compared the wages amoung engineers, doctors and financial representatives. And it turned out that engineers earned the least, then MDs, financial reps actually earned almost double of MDs. I didn't question about the figures, but he sent us a message that we should all be financial reps because they earned that much.

They were showing examples of professionals like lawyers changed their career and ended up earning way more than what they have earned before. They also mentioned about the people who work in Primerica right now came from different fields. Some of them were engineers, architects and something else.

My thought was so messed up at that time. I couldn't stop thinking about why those people were so proud of themselves just because they made so much money? They were so proud that they had this eager to convince everyone to get into the industry. They were so persuasive. They said you could either choose to join their team, or do nothing which ends up to be dead broke. I mean, get a life. I am pretty sure there are something better than earning millions a year.

When I think about it, aside from the average salaries, why would people want to go to engineering? Why did people choose to be a doctor? Why go to law school? Don't engineering students want to be a real engineers one day? After 4 years of tough work in university? Don't med school students actually have passions for the patients? Don't law student fantasize themselves to speak in a court room? Where are all the dreams we had when we were young? Why all those dreams and goals got covered by the amount of money other business make?

I mean it sounds really attractive when they pull out the actual figures, about earnings, and debts, loans. For me, I don't even know how everything works. Life insurance, mortgage, mutual fund, RRSP, stuff like that, I heard about them all the time, but I'd never want to care about it. All I care for is, go for nursing, be a nurse, having satisfaction in my job which feeds myself emotionally, stable income feeds myself physically. That's all. Retirement is just too far away to think about. I either think I won't really reach that age, or I would like to give my all to serve people in need.

I think I'd rather use their service instead of being one of them myself. But, never say never. Because I don't know where I am going to end up in a couple of years.

Another thing, according to professor Hare, increase productivity is the most important thing in an economy. That's why I talked about increasing the standard of living. It happened in my eco notes for so many times that's why I abbreviated it as SOL. He thinks that increase productivity is the only way to increase SOL. And this generation don't need to plan our future. Because whatever problem comes up in the future, it's the next generation's responsibility to solve them. It's not our job to save the environment now for the good of our grandchildren. I mean, what the heck is that? To increase SOL = make more money, is more important than saving the environment?

Oh...now that I thought of it, about the lecture on tuesday. It's the trade between Japan and US. I wondered, US actually introduced congress, which required Japan to balance trade with US in 5 years. Japan should receive more US imports, otherwise, they would take action on Japanese trade. What on earth gave US power to control what Japanese do? And if they didn't do that, they would take action. Doesn't that sound like barbarians to you? Japanese is not any better. They let IBM to build their plants in Japan only if IBM agreed to liscenced their technology to 15 struggling industries in Japan. Both of them sounded like barbarian to me. They did everything based on their own benefit, and who cares if the other party suffers?

Since when we let materialism to dominate in this world?

What a wonderful bday

I had a really wonderful day today. Praise to the Lord.

First of all, the sun was shining above me today which made me feel really positive. Even if I had a quiz that I wasn't really ready for, I didn't cry over it. Because I know that there is a whole beautiful day ahead of me. Then I wen to the quiz. I think this is the first time I have some quiz luck. With my level of understanding of the material, I did extremely well on the quiz. I was glad that I actually understood the question and put the respective answer at the right place.

After school, I went to work. I had the same attitude. I just wanted to enjoy the day. It went so well that Ross bought me 2 kitkat chocolate bars, although I said I wanted Lindor. Thank you Ross. Matt wished me happy birthday before I left laser life. He is still my favourite boss. He was a little dressed up today. It went well with the patients. I was happy to meet every single patient, and they were happy to see me. I still remember Roy. He booked his appointment on Wednesday because of me. I was so happy. I developed some kind of patient therapist relationship here. I wish I am doing a good job, and bring more business for Matt. Plus, I saw Mike G today, a coworker at meditech. We were talking about life at meditech, how miserable. Anyway, what a great 8 hour work today, can't ask for more than that.

Then I received a call from Eric. I am glad he called on this special of mine. I am pleased that he still cares about my birthday. I was at work when he called. He said i always like work. He would probably call me again during weekend. Thank you Eric. You know, I had so much planning to tell him. However, when he called, I forgot about everything. I was just happy the fact that we were still talking.

At the same time, I was talking to Richie as well. Things with him finally sort out. He basically didn't know what he was doing when he talked to me on saturday. I didn't even want to look back and think about what exactly happened. He was worreid about I wasn't going to be interested in him anymore because of the lady came up to him and talked to him at the hospital on monday. Honestly, I didn't even remember that woman existed. I explained to him that I really didn't want to get involve in a relationship right now. I didn't have faith in relationship. Again, it takes too much work and it hurts too much. I am still very upset about what happened between me and eric. This is just not the right time. However, I didn't tell him not to wait the time to come. I don't know when it's going to come. When it comes, I don't know if I am interested in him. I really wish he knows without me saying it.

What a wonderful day today. Thank you Lord.

My birthday present from God

Because you are precious in my sight, and honoured, and I love you. (Isaiah 43:4)
Come to me, all you that are weary and are carrying heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me; for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light. (Matthew 11:28-30)

Enjoy the next 24 hours girl, for the celebration of your Father's precious creation on this very special day.

Clarians' Syndrome

Last night, I had the worst volunteering night ever, I believed. I went home after school because I forgot to bring an umbrella. I still think it's the coffee. I was crying for like 10 minutes because I couldn't find my umbrella at home. Then, I was thinking, may be I shouldn't go volunteer because I am emotionally disturbed. But then, I didn't want to do work because of the stressful BIO370 day. So, I decided to go. I thought Colin would be there so I could talk to him. But he didn't show up. My head was serioulsy going to blow up. And I fricking cried in the emerge, out of nothing. Therefore, 1.5 hours after, I left. I just couldn't go on. Man, I couldn't believe I have to go through this.

I called Kenneth, felt better after talking to him. We discussed some relationship problems. I told him everything about what happened lately. After 8 years of friendship, he analyzed that I have one of those Clarians' syndrome. Well, that's really too bad, and so hard for me not to have the characteristics of Clarians after being there for my entire life, from kindergarden to highschool, same school, same people. What the heck do you expect? So, I guess, for these couple of weeks, I am just going to focus on school. Yes, I am stressed out like crazy. I swear, if I don't have my religion to back me up, I would have killed myself long time ago.

With the stress level I am experiencing now, and the reaction I give, I have doubt about going to nursing. Comparing to the pressure for working in healthcare environment, school is nothing. And I already cry every single minute for school stress. I really doubt my ability to handle the stressful environment in a health care setting. I doubt my competence in dealing with different difficult situations of different patients. I am having second thoughts about going into this stressful profession.

I had coffee today again. I rely on coffee, and it gives me anxiety at the end of the day. I bring my Rosary today, just in case I want to cry again.

For the first time in my life

For the first time in my life, I used the word Fucked-up to describe myself. I still can't believe this word came out of my mouth when I talked to Mike on Saturday.

I would probably get fired from volunteer resource for what I have done on friday night. I did not want to comment on that because I should have known better about what I was doing. And THANKS to Mike, he made me sounded like a hypocrite, since I believed people still had a clear mind after doses of alcohol.

Now, things are getting a little messed up with Richie as well. I gave him a call on friday. Surprisingly, after he saw my miss calls on his cell phone, he didn't call me back on purpose. I asked why, he thought I might need some time to sort somthing out by myself. I totally got his message but I asked him to explain more. I would like to know what exactly what he thought I should sort out. He didn't say it out, but he wanted to know what I was thinking. So, I assumed he would like me to think about where we are going to end up. He wanted an answer from me NOW. He wanted to know if I wanted to start a relationship with him. My aunt was with me when we were talking, so I told him to give me a call after work but he never did. I bet he thinks I will call him if I want to talk about this with him. However, I don't have answer. I don't even want to think about it.

Honestly, I am still broken hearted. It hurts Richie if I don't give my all to him. But right now, I really can't do it. I don't believe in commitments anymore. I don't believe in relationship. It takes too much work and it hurts too much. I still think of Eric a lot. I read his email, think of what we did before, think of the gifts we exchanged when we were together, think of what he thinks right now...... too much too much that I can't fit in someone else. This is the two emails he sent me last year on friday, before we went to play vball,

"where are you? i'm in the ac its 3pm now i was supposed to meet u there at 2pm...i'm calling and calling and calling............please come to me"

"as soon as i hit the send button from the last email...i turn around and you were walking in here....you are checking the locks now....thats the same thing i did when i came to look for you...u know what honey, we are no doubt meant for eachother...

hmm what should i do...u still don't know that i am staring at you writing this email...i guess you are just as blind as me i'll just go scare the heck outta you... "

Like I still remember exactly what happened last year March 19th, and the reaction I had when I found out he was standing right behind me. And it still hurts me a lot when I read these two emails he sent me. I thought Richie would be more understanding and caring than pushing me for an answer right now.

With Eric, I talked rude to him on msn on friday night, after the alcoholic doses. I didn't even remember what I said but I received two emails from him the next day. He said he wanted to wish me happy birthday but I was talking mean. Therefore he didn't say anything. He didn't come to town this weekend, and he mentioned about meeting me next week. I don't know if it's a good idea. Honestly, I miss him a lot. Meeting him will make me to think about him more, which will totally screw up my school work.

Stressful time

Same time last year, I remembered I talked to school counsellor because I was really stressed out about school and vball. This year, esp today, all of a sudden, I was so stressed out about school cos I did crap. I was so ruined by the "issues" I had this semester. Thanks to Eric. My marks fricking dropped the whole grade. Although I have to admit that I am taking all the boring courses, like the courses that I am not really interested in, I should not have done this bad. I want to kill myself!!! I was by myself for the whole day, until I saw Ross at genetics. I felt like crying. I didn't know what to say to him about how stressful I was, but he figured all out from the way I look. That's how crappy I look these days. I felt like shit. During the lecture, tears was coming out from my eyes. What the heck? I think it's the coffee. I am blaming everything on the coffee. But that's what I need for survival right now. Sometimes I wonder, why God created coffee for us. Or did he create it as a beautiful plant however we human abusively use it and eventually get addicted? I wish I am not addicted. But I really rely on it for keeping me awake for the whole day although I still look extremely tired. Now I could think of that word: Zombie. Remember Eric told me to be a Zombie, just work like a Zombie!!! I am a Zombie!!!

I don't know what happen to Shehzy. Hopefully he is still reading my blog. I haven't seen him for the whole month after I kinda barked at him on msn two weeks ago. I heard nothing from him. I didn't even give him a chance to explain what happened or to apologize, if he wants to. But I think I should apologize to him if I have a chance. I kinda feel bad right now, cos I felt better from the v-day and the eric issue. Well, his name is still bothering me. I just don't know how I am going to start another relationship. Come on shehzy, we will do something together on our birthdays.

See that's how much I hate March. Although it's my birthday month, it's the most stressful month throughout the year. When I look at my schedule for the next few weeks, I want to kill myself. All I could see is zoo quiz, bio mid term, eco mid term, hmb quiz, hmb assignment x2, bio assignment xn. Man, see how depressing it is. I wonder how I am going to survive.

One cheerful thing would be, Matt, my boss, said he would get some hermit crab for his SW tank. He had some gorgeous fish and shrimps in there already. However, some hermit crabs will make his tank looks more alive. If his guy could get him some plants, like zoos and mushrooms, that would be perfect. Matt said I could tell his guy to get whatever I want. I am so happy, I will treat his tank like my own. I wish I could go fish-shopping with his guy, and pick out the nicest hermits and plants for Matt.

Happy Birthday to us

I was thinking about who has birthday in march. Since I think birthdays are special for each person on earth, they, including myself deserve something special on that day. Here are the people I know whose birthda is in march

mar 3rd-mimi, highschool friend
mar 4th-Chun Ling, cousin
mar 5th-Engela, Tigers
mar 6th-alice, highschool friend
mar 8th-tommy, don't really know him but mom talks about him for her whole life since she and tommy's mom went to hospital for labour on the same night
-terrence, vball friend from HK
mar 9th-myself, rachael, very good friend
mar 10th-fiona, highschool friend
-jenny, vball friend from HK
mar 11th-katherine, highschool friend
mar 15th-francis, fellowship friend
mar 18th-fei lam, vball friend from HK
mar 23th-ross, hmb265 friend
mar 24th-shehzy, hospital friend, whose apparently mad at me i think, cos I was mad at him first..so i don't know what happened now
mar 26th-janet, highschool friend
mar 31th-carmen, elementary school friend

Did I miss anyone??? Yay...happy birth-month guys!!!

I was 'this' close to visualize death again

It's March!!! My birthday month!!! I wish myself a happy birth-month lol

Again, Monday was volunteer night. I was actually ashamed to write what happened last night, since I thought I have done something wrong. So, there was a patient with pulmonary fibrosis. Her family asked me if she could go up to the bedroom and stayed with her husband since her husband was also a patient in the hospital. I thought it was okay since she had to wait for 6 hours anyway. I asked someone else inside emerge and she said it was okay. I just needed to write down information about the extension and where the room was. So I did all that and told them they could go. Probably two minutes later, I saw her family members standing around. The patient was on stretcher, going straight to rescue. Her grandson told me that she just collapsed all of a sudden. Damn...and I just told her that she could go. I felt so bad afterwards. Then the nurse asked me where her family members were. They actually went upstairs and told her husband what happened. So as soon as she came back, I took her to the quiet room. The nurse stopped me on our way to the quiet room, since the resuscitation room door was opened. She could walk by and see what happens inside and freaked out. I was so stupid. Then Richie came by. I felt so so bad. I left for a little while with Richie, just to take a break. I talked to him for a little but that didn't make me feel a lot better. I went back to emerge after a while, still feel bad. I was so glad that I talked to that nurse before I left. She told me almost exactly what richie told me. She was telling me not to think too much about tonight since that's a situation we have no control over with. They would have told them the same thing, would have done the same thing. I felt so much better after that, and then me and Richie went out for dinner.

So, issue with eric. I found out may be he didn't really intent to ignore me. I have been restraining myself not to talk to him. But sometimes, I just can't. I feel comfortable telling him stuff that I experienced, like what happened last night. I hope he is glad that I still share my life experience with him. Except I couldn't tell him about Richie. I wish I am not sending false messages to Richie. I didn't go to the hospital to meet him. We just bumped into each other at the corridor when I was on my way to pee. Then we went out for dinner. I like his accompany, but I am not sure if this is going anywhere besides friendship. Well, he said he really likes me, but I don't know about myself. I don't think I am ready, and I really don't want to hurt him. I can't think right now. Plus, I don't want to be in a relationship right now. That's the most important I guess. And I don't want to ruin our friendship.

omg, coffee is really diuretic, or is it my bladder? No, it has to be the coffee!!!