What's wrong with people these days?

I don't know if it's my problem or what? People are weird as hell lately. They all looked stressed and pissed off.

First of all, Colin didn't show up for volunteer last night. I was left alone to deal with the weirdos. A family member of a chinese patient came up to me and complaint about her life. She said living with her mom was so difficult, plus her mom didn't speak english. She lived an hour away from the hospital so it was hectic for her to travel. I mean I understand what she was trying to express but saying it three times made it really annoying. I didn't say anything besides "elderlies are like that in general" which I think it's true. You just have to be more patient with them. And she complaint about the family doctors didn't listen to their hearts underneath the shirt, comparing to the doctors in HK, the doctors in HK were better. Sounds EXACTLY like my mom. Again I didn't say anything. Then she's like you have so much patience, you're gonna be a good nurse. WEird.

Then when I was talking to a visitor, a doctor rushed out and said "i need your help, do you want to come and help me? you are doing something more than dealing with patients." I was like...okay, I followed him. He actually wanted me to stock up the equipments at fast track area. He went up the the charge nurse and said she was gonna help me out. So, the charge nurse didn't agree but the doctor wanted me to do. I knew this wasn't my job but if there wasn't anybody doing it, I don't mind to stock up the gloves and stuff. Plus, it wasn't that busy out in the waiting area. I ended up getting trapped in the conflict between the doctor and the charge nurse. Omg.... I don't know what I am supposed to do. I think the doctor has a point. If everyone was so busy and I wasn't doing anything, why wouldn't the nurse let me help out a little? But that will violate the boundary of the PCA's job.

Another weird thing. What the heck happens with Justin, my classmate? He just completely stopped talking to me. We were in the same lab. I was trying to study with him. Then all of a sudden, he's like ignoring me. I didn't do anything to him. All we did together was lunch. Can anybody explain to me what happen? What? New rules on earth? Friendship can only last one month for me? Then we can't talk to each other no more?

More weird things.... Auntie joe... don't even want to talk about it. It's too weird and too sad. I wish someone could tell me what I have done wrong. Ya I have met some new friends lately, see how they are going to ignore me again in a month!

The End of Days

I went to Auntie Teresa's place and watched the End of Days on TV. Although the story was not true in life, it was excited until Satan actually turned into a scary monster. I really didn't like that part because Satan is evil in heart. The audience should be able to feel the darkness instead of visualizing it. All in all, I don't think Satan is a scary monster. It may just look like any of us, with an evil heart, like that actor. Satan does everything to separate us from God. And sometimes, we are really mentally weak enough to believe him. That tells the reason why this world is so dominated by this power of darkness. I am frightened sometimes because I am only human. I lost hope because it seems like there isn't anything I could do to change that. But the priest in the movie told us to have faith. Only when we have faith, we can beat the power of evil, the power of darkness.

Yes, I am weak. I know what's wrong but I still want it. I hate the fact that I am not going to see him online anymore, never. I hate it. We completely evapourated from each other's life, but can you also vanish from my mind?

Decisions Decisions Decisions

I haven't been writing lately simply because I am dead lazy. Also, I really should stop complaining and get real.

How to get real? My parents called me the other day if I wanted to go to Australia for further studies. I actually did some research by myself but Australia wasn't my priority. However, now that they talked about it and said that they had some friends over who can help me in enrolling the programs there, I thought more about it. I mean that could happen if things work out. So, now I really have to think of what I want to do for the rest of my life. It's not a decision that could be made in a couple of days. That involves a lot of research and experience with professionals. I want to be a RMT, nurse or physiotherapist.

I went to a RMT school today and the program really attracted me. That person made me to feel that I was a very good candidate for their school because of the degree I earned and working experience. However, nursing school is really something that I want to do for the rest of my life. RMT earn me a decent salary, nursing earn me a life time job. Now how about physio? It's kinda in the middle of the previous two. I could earn a decent salary, job security and I don't have to work shifts like nurses do. The only thing is I know i like the job nature of nursing but still not sure about what I am supposed to do as a physio besides teaching ppl to do exercise in order to get full recovery and increase range of motion after the lack of movement because of injuries.

Decisions Decisions Decisions

Being a daughter

So my parents are gone. Everything goes back to normal. It was father's day on sunday, so I got some little gifts for my uncle Herbert and uncle Roger. Both of them are happy and I am glad that they are happy. I received an email from Uncle Roger on monday. He said thank you and it's his honour and pleasure to have me as his daughter, and the bottom says 'love dad'. I almost cried. Although it's just a simple sentence, it's so touching. I am pretty sure Uncle Herbert feels the same but he just doesn't say it. But wow, I have never read a letter or an email with 'love dad' before. I can't believe that's how much they love me and appreciate me as a daughter.

I am not trying to compare anything here but I really feel something that I have never experienced before. I always think that I will be so happy if my parents are proud of me, if they are happy to have me, or appreciate me as their daughter. My own parents are proud of me because I finished university. They came over for my graduation. I was happy. But the talks made me feel that they want more than that. They are not appreciated with what I achieved and they expect more. People always say they just love me in a different way. But shouldn't I be feeling the love from them? Fine, it's okay to have expectation on me, but I don't think I will be able to reach them, cos I don't think I will do an MBA. What the point of comparing me with other people's kids? Do I really have to follow everybody else's footsteps?

See they are not proud of me, and they don't appreciated what they have at all, and they want more and that's why they are pushy and that's why I fricking can't live with them. They will say "oh if you do this and that, you will be more proud of yourself." Does this sentence even make sense? They will be more proud of me but why can't they just be thankful that I fricking finished the tough work at University? Did they ever know how much I suffered to get the stupid degree?

"I am sorry dad. I know you appreciate me and you are proud of me already. You make the options opened for me to choose whatever I want to do. I know you are more of an understanding person. I should just change the 'they' above to 'she'. I love you dad."

Need a brainwasher

I can't believe it's almost the end of June. And I can't believe I didn't work very hard on this blog for the month. I have a reason, reasons may be. I need a brainwasher. The images of nomis still scatter in my brain. I refused to write them down because I don't want to remember how stupid I am right now when I look at my blog again like 10 years later.

yes... i confessed to Colin last night, that I still thought of him, a lot. I mean wtf am I thinking? Although we just met each other twice outside the clinic, I remembered a lot of things from him. Why? I remembered the way he smiled, the way he thought, the way he kissed me, the way he touched me, the way he slept, the way he said thank you, the way he handed me the water. And now we are not talking to each other. As I was talking to congee last night, we completely evapourated from each other's life. All it remained is pieces of memory mushrooming in my pig head. I hate it. I HATE IT. Then I asked myself, well what the hell do you want? If you want him that much, call him or stock him or do watever you can. But no, i don't want him back. See how bad I need a brainwasher? or I need something to hit my head and causes some memory loss.

Convocation

Although I am really tired right now, I have to do this entry since there are so many new things I just figured out these couple of days. And I am afraid that I am gonna forget.

First of all, I had my convocation yesterday. Obviously my parents were more excited than I did. For some reasons I wasn't too proud of myself. I thought I deserved it but it could have been something better. I promise, that I will be more proud during my next convocation.

I saw Eric S yesterday. We had the ceremony together. He looked so different with his glasses. I thought he was going to do his masters but he's gonna stay here and work instead, making some good money. We were talking about our careers, the "my parents want me to do ...." talk. It has been great seeing him again cos I have been trying to call him ever since march. Anyways, I wasn't aware of the way he looked. Amo told me that he looked like simon in a way. I was like.... omg...she was so right. Gees... that's so scary... and it feels weird now. eric is simon, simon is eric.

Then, it's my mother. It's good that my parents are only staying for a week. I don't think I can't stand my mother more than that. She complains about everything. EVERY-FRICKING-SINGLE-THING. She talks like a typical chinese who doesn't know how to enjoy life in Toronto and that's why HK is always a better place to live. And omg..she is sooo fricking loud and rude. Comments made every second and most of them were negative. I found it fairly difficult, challenging to satisfy her, to make her happy. I mean what am I supposed to do? I am getting more stressful when more complaints are made. omg.. when you ask her before head, she says it doesn't matter. But in reality, it does fricking matter. Man.... 3 more days to go... .. 72 hrs....

LIfe Lesson 2

Sunday night, Amo and I was trying to pick up our parents from the airport at night. My uncle, aunt and Katie were there as well. Auntie Windy asked me how come my aunt wasn't gonna pick us up to the airport as well. Somehow I had the same question in mind, but I also had the answer so I just never bothered to wonder. We were early and the flight was delayed. When parents arrived, uncle and aunt picked all of us up and drove us back to their place. How ridiculous!! They did that without even letting us know. So, we had to go back downtown after that. And we were so prepared for our parents to come over to OUR place. C'mon, we are a family whom should be staying together. They are just gonna be here for a week. I just don't think Uncle and aunt respected us at all cos they never talked to us about their plan. I was so pissed off when I was in the car. I wasn't happy to sit in their car in the first place. And why are they taking my parents to their place???

When I got home, I was still really pissed off. And I need a punch bag for sure, but I can't hit my sis lol. So I called my Auntie Angel in Singapore. Unfortunately she wasn't available to talk to me at that moment. Then I saw coach Kenneth's number, I called him. I talked to him about what happened at the airport. He was trying to comfort me by dragging me away from the topic. He told me that he broke up with rach, which i kinda predicted. I am not trying to be rude, but rach is too much of a troublesome girl for a mature man. Although I am rach's very good friend, sometimes I can't stand her because she is too self-centred, inconsiderate in a way. Anyway, I then told him about simon. I told him that I learned a valuable life lesson from this ridiculous experience.

It's so funny that he said I am growing up. I have to admit that I am growing up lol. I know I rely on somebody a little too much sometimes. I really should take care of myself before learning to take care of two people. Anyways, he said I should thank simon to participate in this experience which helps me to get more mature than before. I should buy him dinner for that because changing people's way of thinking is not easy and I couldn't think of anyone else who is that influential to me. I was like, he would think I was trying to get serious with him if I give him a call and ask him out for dinner although my intention is just to thank him lol.
Although simon acts like jerk to me according to my every single friend, there are something I should learn from him:

• He is more of a laid back person. He is relaxed at all times. He makes sure he reserves enough time for one event. That means he will never rush things.
• He is quiet. I used to be quiet. That means he only talks when it's necessary, not nonsense. It's pretty good.
  

Life Lesson

It's been almost a week. With the number of times I talked to my friends, I totally let go of him emotionally. Then I started to rethink what is going on as a whole. It really sounded more like a joke. This is probably one of the most ridiculous things I have ever done in my entire life. Why would it happen? And what lesson have I learned from this experience?

My first mistake: I talked too much. I am pretty sure we could be compatible if we met before Jan 2005. Remember back in January, after the break up, I completely changed to a noisy bitch. I like the old me, quiet, shy and innocent. Hopefully it's not too late to appreciate what I had, who I was before.
Lesson: SHUT the F UP

Second mistake: I am intense at all times. Unfortunately, this is just me. I am intense about everything, anything. I forgot since when I developed this kind of personality. I get happy easily, and get mad because of little things. I don't know what I should do to change that. The worst thing is, I don't really think I need to change any of this.
Lesson: Just Be Myself

Third mistake: I don't know what I want. I don't think I am ready for relationship right now. See what happens here is I "pressured" him and "expected" too much from him, although I really don't think I had. So, I guess I have to learn to be more independent before getting myself involved in watever kind of relationship. I need to learn to love myself, protect myself, take care of myself before considering to have a partner, taking care of each other.
Lessen: Grow up and be Independent

I know it's nice to love and to belove. But right now, I am feeling comfortable by myself. I am the only person I need to be responsible of. And for real, I am learning to be independent. When I was in a relationship before, besides my to-do list, I always took my partner's schedule into account and planned what I was going to do. And I also cared too much about what the other person would think if I did this and that. From now on, I will just do whatever I want for the sake of myself.