Second thought

Again and again, Ihad doubts about the decision with nomis, cos i still think of him... a little lot...

Therefore, I was wondering, why did I do that to torture myself? Did I make the right decision? Sometimes, I regret because of the depression (a little) inside. But on MOnday, something reminded me about what happened that night, the night when it happened.

It was my guardian angel. I used the hair straightener (the hair iron) to straighten my hair that night. And I burned myself a little. That burn was from my guardian angel, sarcastically saying, "Do you wanna know how hell feels like? THERE." In hell, I wouldn't be burned for just one spot of my finger, but my whole body. That was scary enough to drive me away from the deadly sin.

It has been a couple of months. It seemed like I forgot about the pain and had second thoughts about the decision of righteousness. Here comes the guardian angel again, "Let me remind you something, like what's gonna happen if you turn away from God, choosing the path to fire, darkness and punishment."

And here you go, a blister at my left II proximal interphalangeal joint.

Tears of joy

I really don't remember when was the last time I wanna cry because of joy. But today, i can tell it's today.

A patient told me that he could feel my touch contained a sense of medical sympathy. My heart was crying, thanking God for letting me know about the precious gift he gave me. It was so flattering. I prayed so hard (Jesus was probably annoyed by me, since I asked for the same thing over and over and over again) to be God's tool. Like St Francis of Assisi's prayer, peace, love, joy... whatever to ppl around me. Make them see himself in me. Me alone cannot do that, i need his help. I need him to be with me all the time.

A touch of sympathy, I am so glad because that's definitely a gift from above which I have no control over. All I can do is to thoroughly use what is given on the people in need.

Frustration with H.L

I went through some frustration time during volunteer time last night. I can't believe I am having frustrations with volunteer work, the work that I look forward to every week. I choose to do MOnday shift because that was the only time I was free when I was still in school. But now, it seems like I need it to be on a Monday to spice up my week. Last night, it was all Colin and Flod's fault.

By the time I got there, Flod was already working. After the usual greetings, she told me that our friend was not working tonight. And we both knew who our friend was. Would I say that I want to be there because of our friend? Of course not, but it would be nice to see our friend while I am there. From the schedule, the next time I'll meet him during my shift is thanksgiving night, Oct 10. Flod would be there at that time as well. I was all excited and hyper, until around 2030. I swear it was either Colin's attitude, or my insufficient caffine dosage.

Colin was nagging about leaving for a whole half an hour, saying that he was tired from work. I tried to cheer him up for 1.5 hour but not suscessful. Therefore, he finally took off under my escort. So lazy man.

That after coffee/colin dragged me down depression was enforced by me and flod talking about our friend. When I had a feeling that I wanted to tell her, that "i have a crush on....", I knew I was completely screwed. I probably shouldn't say it because this way my feelings leaks out which can turn into a total disaster. But I did tell her, since she thought it was her fault as well. Why? Why does it have to happen? So Flod told me something about him that completely turn her off. She said he is a very insecure person. She could feel that from the way he talks. He could be very nice and kind, but not confident, in a way. We probably have different prespective. I didn't feel the same way when he explained the difference between pronation and supination. Anyways, I shouldn't be spending too much time on this person, since I don't really know him. I only wish he is nice to patients, always generous, kind hearted. Of course it would be nice if he doest that to me too, but it's not necessary.

Dream about Justin

A dream about Justin was hitting me last night. It was kinda weird cos that involved me talking tohim about my personal feelings. I don't remember when was the last time I talked to him about that since the break up with Eric.

Justin is my God brother, elder brother of course. Otherwise, I won't buy him that much. The dream last night was probably due to the comment made by aunties last night, talking about his obedience, his behaviour for being a good son. So, what was the dream about?

It was about us, meeting in a restaurant. I looked extremely frustrated and here he came to listen to my worries. Justin is a very good singer at our church so he has tons of fans. I bet every girl likes him. Then I asked him, "Every girl at church is crazy about you, but I am not, really. Do I have any problem? Am I abnormal? What's the problem with me?" Justin gave me the most innocent look in the world, implying 'i don't know' which was confirmed by his first sentence made afterwards. It came to a dead moment between us. I can't precisely recall the rest of the dream but I remember myself talking about my problems, whatever they are. Justin is a very good listener and I am probably themost troublesome girl he knows, hopefully only in the dream.

The biggest liar on earth

People said pisces are the biggest liar on earth, which I totally agree. It fits perfectly well with my own personal theory. If a little lie can make everybody feels better, less guilty, and diminishes chaos, why not? It would be so perfect and for sure everything looks absolutely fine. Everybody's happy. However, a person can only lie so much that his/her own feelins leaks out, at least once in while. Right, the biggest liar on earth (who only intends to lie to make this world a better place) neglects his/her own feelings. And also, he/she forgets that there are nice people on earth who treat them as a human being, concerning what is going on in his/her mind. When these nice people find out he/she looks all his/her most depressing thoughts or sadness in a vacuum to, claim to make this world a happier, less chaotic place, it breaks their hearts.

I know I know.... that's what will happen. The biggest liar lies too much that he/she tragically forgets their way to reveal themselves. He/she forgets how, to express his/her deepest feelings to others anymore. He/she wants to, but one can't.

Isn't that sad?

Deja vu

The best way to remember everything that I thought of, is to WRITE THEM DOWN. I read when I have spare time these days. However, I didn't pick up the attractive Harry Potter today, but a pen and a paper, writing whatever I thought if. I can't believe I wrote that much. It was almost two pages before the day ended.

I hang out with a friend who is about to move to the States. And then I found out......well...ya. So anyways, I can so correlate this friends with my ex, my ex ex to be precise. I wouldn't say they have bad habits, hm..but annoying. His attitude is too much like him, trying to pretend that they are cool. Phrase like "who cares?" sounds almost too familiar. Trying to be a gentleman which was intentionally done to make me notice. Trying to express the annoying feeling towards his ex. Physically, like hanging his right arm on the top part of the car door when sitting on the passengers' side, tapping his finger(s) on the table, scratching this head in public, touching (may be I should say rubbing..eww)his feet when someone's around, resting I-II phalanges on the chin talking like an expert, saying "you was". Some of these are normal, but this combination, too too too familiar. The way they talk is basically identical.

Riding the rocket on my way to work, I was thinking about the patient from yesterday. A little judgemental on my side, may be. First of all, who am I to judge if a patient can afford the treatment. Then, who am I to judge if the patient really needs the treatment or not. Most importantly, who am I to judge if it's worth it for the patient to pay that amount of money for a treatment which the necessity of the treatment is waited to be determined? But I am sympathetic. What if everything doesn't work out well? Then this patient will end up spending a big portion of his/her income towards ---- nothing.

Today's horoscope from metro:
Take someone off a pedestal now. A man makes a fuss over a happy female. Your self-esteem is about to get a boost.

The last comment is very true. Since the doctor told me she received a lot of good comments about me from the patients. I bet she is happy. Then really boosted up my self-esteem, a lot.

Just a thought

Pisces, the most loving horoscope. Love seems to be the most important thing in her life. However, through experiences, she understands the world isn't that easy to embrace, isn't that easy to love everyone, but it's easy to be heart broken.

However, she continues to love like there is no tomorrow.
Even though people ruin the trust,
Even though people break their promises,
Even though she is heart broken,
Even though people hurt her feelings,
Even though she feels sour whenever she listens to certain songs,
Even though she gets depressed sometimes when memories hit her,
Even though no one cares about the love she is giving,
Even though she doesn't understand why people won't cherish Love,
Even though she is not asking for any return,

She keeps trying her best to Love.

What if the obstacles really hit her hard one day? God take away the most precious thing of hers. She forgets how to love, and beloved, because she doesn't believe in love anymore.

Song "2004"

Play it slow lay it low
You lead and then I'll follow
Ooh heaven I don't know
Where art thou my romeo
Sing it slowSing it so we can be infatual
Doesn't matter where we go
It's unconditiional

＊Will you still be here tomorrow　
Catching morning rays in tohoe　
Will I see you there tomorrow　
Baby can't you see the love in me　

In 2004　Will you be loving me more　
Through all that stormy weather　
Say forever　For you I'll do for sure　
Will you open your door　
Will you come catch me when I fall　
At the end I hope together　
We can soar in year 2004

It's all memories. I become so emotional when I hear these songs. The wind blew through my window. I was laying on my bed, listening to this song, chatting to the person I liked, feeling sweet and sour at the same time. Looking forward to the summer, since nobody has any idea what was going to happen. Yes, although it's already fall, I get the same feeling when listening to this song.

Where does the stress come from?

I only have this amount of time, so i will just write whatever. I have no time to organize anything.

Now, I am helping Eddie to pull people for this wedding choir this saturday. I didn't think it would be that hard. I thought people tend to help. I am stressed about people will actually back out right before saturday. Then I will be screwed. And now, I don't have the Latin copy of Ave Maria, so I am supposed to look for it by tomorrow. I have scan the songs so I can send them to the people who are going to help out. Since we have no time to practice, they will have to look up the songs by themselves. Everything is in a rush since Eddie called me last thursday. I am worried as hell.

I went volunteering by myself today. I finally met bert again. But it's so heart broken. I don't think he remembers who I am. HEART BROKEN. However, I just thanked God for giving him this kind heart, asked God not to take this away, and help him in any ways to help as many people as he can. I have never asked God to connect us. For some reasons, I found it selfish if I asked for that. Being a tool of God has nothing to do with relationships I guess. Well, as long as he is a good nurse, that's the most important. But damn he's cute.

Afternoon dream

I took a nap in the afternoon today. In the dream, I had the most depressing moment ever.

It was so dark outside. I was on my way to visit my "mother school", St Clare's Girls' School. There was supposed to be candles along the slope up to the main office, for some reasons, the candles were not there. I just grapped someone's arm to hold on to. That person recognized me. She said, "Hey, you are Monika. Don't be afraid. We just have to go straight." At that moment, darkness engulfed the world, I saw absolutely nothing.

When I reached the main office, there was white light. The right side was supposed to lead me to the canteen, which changed to a mini library afterwards. Left side was supposed to lead me to open playground. However, for whatever reasons, the right side was renovated to somebody's apartment, 2 bedrooms, some students were cramping in there, watching TV. Then I saw someone waving at me, telling me to go to the first hall to see the performance of the students. The first hall....I have never heard of the first hall. Apparently, the open playground vanished to become two halls. But from one hall to another, there is still some open areas.

When I entered the first hall, some students were performing some dance which I had absolutely no interest in. The light was so bright in there. It was bright white neon light. It felt like I was in a chinese canteen, very uncomfortable. I left and walked towards the second hall. The second hall had exactly the same decoration except it was empty at the moment. I was so upset with the change so I walked to the back stairs, going up to third floor. This is the only place that will never be changed, the statue of Mother Mary. I was so upset that even the colour of the whole building was changed from blue to white. It looks like a mental institution.

I stayed at the statue for a while. Then I saw Mr Choy, the tallest teacher in school. He recognized me. I recognized him as well, although he had so much more grey hair than before. He asked me what I was doing. I said, "I want to embrace this school, and say goodbye. I was brought up here. She taught me the morals and created a mature me, not only physically but also mentally. I was so protected here that i don't ever want to leave. I thank her so much. However, as I see the changes in here, the renovations, I understand that I cannot live in the same shelter forever. She is moving on and I should too. It's sad to say goodbye, but all we can do is to save the tears, be strong and move on. Always remember she had been part of my life, a very important portion of my life." Mr Choy then left me alone to meditate. Other teachers walked by but I don't remember the conversations.

Depressing eh?

End of Summer

Today is my first day of work. Not too excited since I have everything totally in control, nothing new. However, I am a little worried about the future of this clinic. Is this going to be like DK's clinic? Or is it going to end up like Matt's? I have no idea. This little room for me is located in the basement, therefore, there isn't any sunlight like laserlife. Well, hopefully things work out nicely so I don't have to worry too much about anything. I met an old patient from another clinic today. It's nice to see someone familiar in a totally new working environment. At least I have someone to talk to. Then, I wonder, is he ever going to come here?

Songs and memories are really related. Amo was listening to some old songs, which I listened to back in May. Man, memories, memories, memories...... yes, it's nomis, stop asking. When I hear those songs, it feels like the beginning of summer, waiting for something to happen, looking forward to experience new things, curious to find out more about this person. It seems like I drove myself a little too far. When it comes to things like that, I am really really stupid. And man i am stupid.

Life really sucks without volleyball. Although it has only been two days, I randomly picked up the beach vball at home and peppered with the wall. At least I am playing the reverse 6 tournament this weekend, looking forward to that. Edwin called me earlier and invited me to play in the GSU league. I wasn't very sure about what's going, but since I am not playing intramural this year, I might as well play with them. With my skills right now, I am not sure if I am good enough to play with them. But it's FREE lol. I am such a contradicting person.

The labour day tournament marked the end of summer. A long depressing winter will soon begin. Am I going to handle it okay? I don't know. I guess I will just keep myself busy, with work, with church, with vball, with volunteering, with my sister's school work, with my statistics course, with my fish tank.

I don't understand why I can't write these days.

61st NACIVT .... over

The labour day tourny is finally over. I am so sad, very sad indeed. These three days passed by really really fast. There won't be any thursdays, fridays and sundays practices anymore. No one is going to be worried about if we are going to beat phoenix or not. The season is over. So sad that vball is over. I cried in NYC...I wanted to cry again :*(

Remember I said we were not going to be in consolation? I lied. We entered the Gold flight pool but we lost. Therefore, we still ended up in the silver single elimination where we lost in the semifinals. Although the whole summer of practice didn't win us any trophy, various tournaments certainly elevated our skills to a different level. I am pretty sure everyone of us is satisfied with our performance.

61st NACIVT day 1

After coming back from the disappointing trip, I was ready for the labour day tournament at the metro conventional centre. Honestly, I don't want to talk about the trip, because it's going to be full of complaints, and that wouldn't sound good. All I wanted to say is, Mont Tremblant was really nice but I definitely wouldn't pick the same travel agent if I wanted to go there again.

This is a tournament we have been waiting for the whole summer. I am glad I have a chance to participate in it. We didn't play super today, but fortunately, we are not going to be in consolation anymore. Yay! Donny was impressed. And we were happy. I could have played better, for sure. Sometimes, I just have to yell at myself, "Monika, f-king wake up!"

Anne's dad came to watch our game. My first reaction was, "I wish my dad is here." I am so sure that he would enjoy the games, so sure that he would be so proud of me when I play well, so sure that he would tell me what I do crap, and so sure that he would take lots of pictures of me. Man, when's the next time dad's gonna watch me playing volleyball?

New jerseys, warm up shirt and long sleeves warm up shirt today. The warm up shirt was crap. I hate brown. Why do we have to get brown? Why brown? I eat dark chocolate but I never wear anything like chocolate. Baby blue on brown. Why brown??? Urgh..... but the long sleeves is really really nice. I am just going to stick with the long sleeves one. Forget about the dark chocolate lol.