Communication problem

It's an "alright" day today. Mom called again in the morning. We were talking about the same old thing. I felt so annoyed, didn't know how to deal with her anymore. When I kept myself silent, she was pissed. When I started talking about my own opinions, she thought I offended her or something, which I totally thought I didn't. Honestly, I was just trying to express myself and hopefully she wouldn't be too stressful about everything. Well, I seriously think that I am having serious communication problem with her.

Talking about communication problem, I found out my communication skills got better after I started volunteering. Then this skill got me a very nice job at Laserlife, where I strengthen this skill. I can talk to people with different background, different age groups or different believes. I was so confident that I could deal with different kinds of people. However, right now, I haven't worked in that clinic for a while, talking to people is no longer one of my strengths. I am nervous of strangers again. I am so, almost too quiet when I am within a group of people that I don't know. I just don't feel like talking at all. Man...I am losing it.

Strangers. I started to address the problem lately. This problem cannot be solved unless I take the initiative. Again, I am the only person who can help myself. How sad.

Spicing up my life by Fr. Roland

An email from Father Roland made my week/LIFE.

An email was sent to Father Roland couple days ago. I told him that I was finally graduated. Hoping his email address wasn't changed, I received his reply the next day. I was so happy and he said I looked great in the picture. He is still in Italy right now, longing for Hong Kong. For me, I am longing to meet him again. I still remember his warm smile, just like Jesus, always warm, accepting and generous. He is a Franciscan. I can't find a better person to explain the prayer of St Francis, to guide, to get instructions on how to work this out in life.

BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD: I dropped the Eucharist on Monday. I still can't get over it. That Father picked it up and ate it for me. And he still asked me if I was okay. I was okay, but I was upset of myself. I met the same Father again on Wednesday. His homily made me feeling blessed. I wish I know his name so I could thank him and pray for him.

I had a really nice conversation with sil last night. We talked about our religion. Apparently both of us are pretty conservative, which is good, I think. Because this is the only way of keeping the faith, keeping Roman Catholics from distortion. It is interesting that Sil knows so much about our religion. I feel like I need to study harder to catch up.

Monday night volunteering was BORING. I had the most fun on putting the names of the nurses on that shift on the board. However, there was no Julie or Bert. I saw Kathy instead and I found out she is a Catholic. How nice. Colin wasn't there and the ER entrance was under construction. It looked so weird and I felt like I didn't belong there. I left when it's time to go, with my aching ankle.

So, what should I do when I feel like I have abnormal hormonal level again? There is still no solution and should I spend my life time to find out.

One day of pilgrimage is not enough

Here I am again. I get to a point that I don't know the reason of dropping my tears anymore. Am I too sad or too happy? I forgot.

I always want to talk about my problems with other people. However, there is no way to start, at least I don't know how to. And again, it's too sad to talk about it. Therefore, I shut up, or I lie. I hide it too well. After I cried, people said hey monika you looked tired. Then I smiled and said yes. When the hell am I going to step out of my boundaries and talk to people about my problem? Or is this going to happen?

"Make me not to so crave to be loved as to love;" Lord help me how to do this

I saw Fr Elliot today. It was so great to talk to him. He is always encouraging. He always makes himself available to us. I told him about everything spiritually. Everything has been doing great. I lied, even on my face. That nice big smile reallly worked magic. I am sorry, but I really don't know what to say. I said I was gonna call him. This time, I made myself promise to call him on tuesday. You know, no one can help me unless I step up and help myself. You shall be fine kid.

Pilgrimage

Today was the Midland Pilgrimage day.

I only decided to go because I sprained my ankle. Well, if this is the calling from God, He really made a very good choice to call me. :p I was going with a depressing heart. I still thought too much about the things I worried from the night before. However, I let it go, let it out, thought about it again, made some prayers, and I feel much better right now. Prayers heal. Again, the more I read the Prayer of St Francis of Assisi, the more I thought that I was thinking a little too much, or this wasn't the right way of thinking. I was creating problems for myself.

There was some papers for people to write their prayers. I made three prayers today, for three different people, and burned two candles. Prayers were for thoumber, nomis and myself. Candles were for the former two.

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace,

Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
where there is sadness, joy;

O Divine Master,
grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

Absolutely a crying baby

My emotions has been quite dramatic these couple of days. I am not sure if it is due to my hormone level. But I think that's probably it. I cried because I was sad. And I cried because I was happy.

My ankle was sprained again last thursday. Although it has been a year and a half, I still remembered the pain I had to bear right after I sprained it. Anyways, it was so painful that I almost cried. But I DIDn't. I am so proud of myself that I can still walk, limping though. I saw enge online at night. She asked me how my ankle was doing. I told her about the big fat foot. It's not only swollen at the ankle, but also at the tarsal bones. Then I told her that I was really happy that she called me on wednesday for vball. I was so appreciated that when enge thought of doing something, she also thought of me. When I typed that on msn, I cried. Sometimes I feel lonely and no one cares. anne and mim had never called me out for vball, although I asked, and asked, and asked, and I gave up.

Since my ankle was sprained, I decided not to go to practice but singspiration at church. I was looking forward to let out all my emotions to sil, cos he's one of the closest at the youth group. But when I saw the strangers in his car, I found out that may be I am not that close to him. Therefore, I completely shut up. When I got to the church, I closed my eyes. The world was only consisted of me and the Lord. Lord said, "I love you kid. Come to me, and tell me about your worries. Who are you kidding?" I cried, and I cried harder. I let go of my burdens to him, I cried. I felt blessed that He love me, I cried. Oh my Lord, thank you, thank you, thank you.

That was the reason why I didn't want to go bubble tea with the group later on that night. I knew Sil is very very nice to me, and he would concern about how I am doing. Then I would start talking, then I would cry. I didn't let it happen by leaving with Uncle Roger. Sil called me after, and asked me where I went. I told him I left. I wanted to tell him more, but I didn't know how to start. Then I called him again later in the night, wanting to thank him for concerning about my ankle. However, I couldn't squeeze out the words for some reasons. Um...it's probably because he kept talking and I couldn't find the right moment to say it. Damn myself.

Humble Bert

Okay, heres something about the volunteer night on monday. I was left alone again. DAMN you Colin Newman. It was a busy night, with some Chinese patients. On one hand I had to clear up the triage area, on the other hand I had to interpret for the Cantonese/Mandarin speaking patients.

Two special things happened that night. Since it was a really hot night, I wore skirts. Nurse Julie saw my bandit on my knee. She asked me what happened and I told her about the exudates coming out of the wound and the bandit was stuck there. I fricking got injured under the knee pad. What's the point of wearing the knee pad then?? Anyways, she told me what to do and slipped a polysporin into the pocket of my volunteer vest. She is super nice. omg...... it's probably because I haven't had anybody cares about me with this kind of tiny things for such a long time. I don't think my mom would care when I get scratches like that. aww.... that was so sweet.

Hm... when I was trying to take a wheelchair for a patient, somebody was saying hi to me. It was the nurse who I talked to last time. His name is Humberto. Everybody calls him Bert. Last time I asked him about the difference between pronation and supination. The only reason I picked him to ask is I completely thought he was a doctor. The ward clerk told me he was a nurse. I didn't believe cos he completely has what a doctor is supposed to have. Doctors are cute and smart (so not fair). So, there you go, the next week, he was working out in the triage area, with me lol. I heard too many good stories about him. Joan, another ward clerk, told me that he is a very good man, good heart, humble, hardworking. I was like wow, the wardclerk last week said the same. Hm..interesting. Gotta find an anagram for his name. It's a challenge though.

NYC tourny

The NYC trip was great. We played well on the first day. I really enjoyed playing strong teams because that was the only way to improve our game to another level. However, the second day was CRAP. I played like crap. omg..... I was so disappointed with myself because I definitely had dragged down the team spirit. Anyways, lets put this behind me and look forward to the next tourny. FOCUS is the key.

There were several things I found out for myself from this trip. First of all, I found out that I am paranoid with people looking at me. Engela was staring at me several times. I looked away and looked at her again. I was like "what are you looking at?" Right I am paranoid. Is there a reason for that? Well, when people stare at you, they are quite possibly thinking something about you. I don't know what the heck they are thinking. I think that really scares me a lot. They look at me like a weirdo.

Another thing is, when I see some old friends, I have never gone up to say hi. I always think they should come up to me and say hi to me. I saw some of my teammates went up to a lot of guys and kinda socialized with them. For some reasons, I couldn't do that. Going up to some guys is not one of the things that I have the courage to do. What if that person don't even remember who the heck I am? So although I recognized a lot of people, esp guys, from the tourny, the only person I had said hi to was Jeff Chung. He was really nice and actually asked me how's it going. Man he's hot but I guess he forgot his razor during the trip. lol

After the tourny, we came back to town. I had my first histology class with this prof. Then we had labs in the afternoon. Then I realized how much I missed Dr Wilson's histology class last last semester. OMg...microscope.. it was so much easier to look at things under the mic these days. And the most amazing thing is, I recognized the components. aww... I am so excited about the labs right now. Yay!!

Driving to NYC....Nervous

I am so nervous right now cos I am going to drive to New York tomorrow. I seriously don't remember when was the last time I drove, although I have a G license and a international license. Hopefully we don't die.

Things have been just fine lately. It's probably because I was focused on organizing the trip for the girls. I kinda got frustrated with some companies. Some of them just simply didn't have customer service skills. And it would be much appreciated if they put someone who could speak english on the phone. It's not easy in doing logistics. Thank God we got over it.

I really like Neil, our anatomy TA. Sometimes I think he is a little too proud of himself, but he is the best TA on earth. I totally understand why Ziah likes him that much. He helped us so much, and went through things as clear as possible. And according to Ziah, he is a PhD candidate of MD. He is hyper 24/7. I think only people like that can be a candidate of PhD, esp PhD of MD. wtf, can anything be better that that? And also, he is cute too bad he is a little too short lol.

So we are done with Dr Lee, and next week we will start histology. I really miss Dr Wilson's Histology class. For some reasons, I think Dr Wilson is the best prof I have ever had at UofT. He made boring things clear, simple and interesting. Who on earth likes to study things under the microscope? I am pretty sure I hated microscope before I took the class, simply because I was really bad at it. But right now, I am not scared, and look forward to the histology section of our anatomy class. How excited!!

Have a nice weeked at NYC. And God, please keep us alive.

Manual hormone regulation

NYC here I come!

We finally decided to go to NYC for the weekend. The blue team enters the NY mini tourny. Since everything happens all of a sudden, there is a problem in renting a van and getting accomodation. But, everything will be sorted out tomorrow, for sure.

The last entry was upsetting. I am pretty sure it was due to my hyposecretion of estrogen and progesterone lol. I should eat more soya product or legumes. But I don't eat legumes, so I should drink litres of soya milk. All I was talking about was the two party friends, who didn't call me out for parties, or beach vball. Think about it, do you really want to go to the parties they go to? But how about beach? What because of the "Asian Hottie"? You guys think he's hot but I definitely think he needs a hair cut to get rid of his "MacDonald" head. Anyways, there are other people on earth. Too bad I am living in a North American city. There are too many weirdos.

I met my partner Colin again on monday night. Both of us didn't know we were supposed to train a new volunteer tonight. And so we had three volunteers, forming a volunteer wall in front of the triage. Since both of them are "Canadian", me, this chinese canadian left them and walked around the department, look for work. It was wonderful that night, cos my favourite nurse was doing triage, my second favourite nurse was at acute, and that male nurse with no smile left lol. Me and that ward clerk got along well, but too bad Jason left for teaching in military school. He gotta share his experience with me when he comes back. Anyways, I was talking to Colin on my way home, expressing the eagerness of moving out of the city. He's like, no, Monika, don't go. They will send me someone boring. I was like I am not funny. He said I was funny. I was like aww...so sweet. From now on, I will appreciate more than before, when other people are happy about my appearence. I like Colin. He makes me feel that I am worthwhile.

Justin always says I think too much. Every time I tell him this,"Function of brain = storage + thinking." I know it's much more than that, but to a brother whose background is music, this is good enough, rather than mentioning about neurons, signal, hormones, sympathetic...blah blah blah..

Going away and Never come back

Richie always tells me that I need a vacation. I tell him I need to go away and never come back in response, every time. In fact this idea does not come to my mind just once. And again, it's too sad to share with other people.

This feeling came to my mind again when steph asked me this question, "It's saturday night monika. what are you doing tonight?" Right, what am i gonna do on a saturday night? I ended up reading my da vinci code at auntie teresa's place. What have I been doing on other saturday nights while I was not reading? The more I think of it, the more eager I want to leave this city and never come back. I understand all this happened after the break up in January. It's been half a year, I am completely over with my ex, but my social life has been crap. Sometimes I wish my friends are more caring than before because of the break up. But people actually disappear. Besides the people I mentioned couple entries ago, ppl from tigers are the same. I wish I could play beach vball when I am bored, no phone call was received. I thought we talked about that the night before, but... And why did she have a problem when another guy invited me to another pick up vball? What the heck did I do to offend you? Eng said I may be asking too much out of a friend. I mean if this is too much, i will choose to leave, rather than dying alone here.

I like to be around my friends, although I don't talk a lot. I need some friends who can accept me as who I am, the whole package of me, like to hang out but quiet. Why can't I be that guy, or this girl? That guy refers to a friend of eric who never talks...don't even know his name.

The song "shall we talk", talks about relationship between lovers, parents children, and friends.

I have No lover, parents who I have difficulties in communicating with are 10 thousand miles away, and friends who don't care.

The Da Vinci Code

Someone was reading "Angels and Demons". I thought, may be it's time for me to finished up my half done "The Da Vinci Code". Since I did the first half almost a year ago, I had to start all over from the beginning to refresh my memory. I could not put down the book once I started. And now, I am almost done, it's time to go to the bookstore and take a look at "The angels and demons", the next book I am going to read.

I walked over to the magazine section, reading 'bout the stem cell research in National Geographic. I was planning to buy the magazine since it gave almost full explanation about the history and the research itself. Then I walked over to the anatomy section looking for some neuroanatomy reference for ANA300, and I've found none. After that I browsed around at the religion section where I found great books about PJPII. I wish I could own "the wisdom of PJPII" but it's like 18 bucks. I will just go there to read it and wait until it's on sale.

I kept walking after reading "the wisdom of PJPII". Then I saw titles like "the Holy Grail", "Mary Magdelene...", "the Da Vinci Code Decoded" etc. I wouldn't be surprised if there were like one or two books focused on the background of the Da Vinci Code, but there were at least more than ten books, talking about the Holy Grail, Leonado Da Vinci, the Last Supper, Priory of Sion, mostly the research and historical background of the novel. I was like holy shit...so many books. Are they just doing that to attract readers, or to support Brown's ideas to create controveries against christianity, or to clarify the Da Vinci Code is strictly a fiction? I didn't really read the books but just by flipping around it, some authors leaned towards christianity clarifying some plots in the book while some were talking about the historical group, Priory of Sion. Although the Priory of Sion is apparently the "good guys" in the book, I highly suspect what exactly this secret organization actually does in reality. I was shocked when I first read the relationship amount Mary Magdelene, the Holy Grail and Jesus Christ. What would actually happen if there are historians who do research about the Holy Grail and the Priory of Sion, trying to reveal to the world about what was written in the novel? I definitely have no doubts about my faith, but some people out there are actually have some sort of evidence to destroy it? Isn' that scary? shoot man..... As a matter of fact, Priory of Sion really does exist, and there are historians doing research on the Holy grail.

Now I have problem in finishing the last 60 pages of the novel. I feel like I am a betrayal of my church, feel like doing penance because of this book.

Canada Day Weekend

Canada day weekend was grrreat. The weather was nice enough to carry out the tourny, although it was a little too windy. At one point, we were just playing against the wind, didn't feel like we were playing vball at all. I had fun overall. The Connex A games was just crap. But we played an amazing game vs MTL free masons. They were a very good team but we played up to their level. It felt sooo good although we lost. We did good defense, asuka was executing while I blocked the heck out of them LOL Hey I got really nice tanning here. God, I look so nice right now....just wait for a couple more days....my skin is gonna peel....eww..

When excitement was over, I had to come back to life and studied for the exam. I was so nervous cos I spent almost the whole weekend having fun. Justin was supposed to meet me on sunday. He didn't show up. But he told me that he was going to meet Brian and Nathaniel at the lab on monday morning. I went there on Monday morning, only Brian was there. We met, talked a little, talked about the arches of the foot, plantar ligaments...... Until Nathaniel came, I studied the head neck region. The best part was the group study with Andrea and Nathaniel. I learned so much from them cos they made their own notes...not like me...studying without organizing it. Thanks Andrea and Nathaniel, and Brian of course. What the heck is the problem with Justin??? I was talking to Richie today. Richie said some people are weird like that. He told me to confront him, like "do you have a problem with me or what?" We'll see. If it comes to a point when I feel I can't take it anymore, I may do that. Just hopefully I wouldn't yell lol.

The test today was okay. I was a little nervous though. I was jumping and stretching around as usual. Everybody looked so intense, so my behavious looked pretty weird. Anyways, MC was a little tricky, as usual. The practical was okay, damn..got the nasal palate wrong.