Merry Christmas

I really haven't been here in a while. However, I felt lucky that I have a chance to post something on this Christmas Day. Merry Christmas to everybody.

It has been really busy this month, with both school and work. I should be more proud of myself than before, just because I received some christmas presents from my patients. They thought of me when they did their christmas shopping. At least I am not as pathetic as I thought of myself.

In this season of giving and sharing, not only I received, I also gave. That's why I was busy with my christmas shopping right after my exam on the 19th. Aunties and Uncles from church are so nice to me all through the year. They take care of me, give rides, provide accommodations, assist me with anything I need. This is the time to say thank you and show them how much I appreciate with their help, although sometimes I really wish my own dad is with me. So, starting from Tuesday, I went to Eaton Centre 3 days in a row. Getting presents not only for them, but also for coworkers at the clinic. I was surprised that I received christmas presents from them. Thinking about the christmas time I had at meditech.....wasn't very pleasant...but anyways, i remember we had a nice dinner together. We didn't have christmas dinner at this clinic because my boss is Jewish. They celebrate Hannuka instead.

Can't believe it's the end of the year already. This is almost one year after the break up. I saw him last week at pick up volleyball. I don't know if this is even worthwhile to write about anymore because i didn't really talk to him. I didn't know what to say and didn't want to listen any crap he was gonna throw at me. So ya, a year eh..... [speechless with a big sigh]

Continue to complain

A year ago I was terrified of not being able to graduate because I thought I was gonna go through another year of dark, distressful life. Therefore, I studied like mad. I studied like there was no tomorrows just to get my ass out of school. With my university degree, that piece of paper, I made my parents satisfied and I would be able to do whatever I want. I would be able to live my life happily with no stress.

Now, I realized things don't quite come out the same way as I imagined. As a pisces, I was probably a little too creative in visualizing my life beyond graduation. Darkness did not go away. Tears still fall as usual. Laughters did not come in pitches. Stress did not become desserts.

Two nights in a week, I cried alone at home. Not only my tears fell, I helplessly cried out. I need a reason, a reason for myself to drop my tears. Otherwise, I would be clinically depressed. I am not clinically depressed. I know that.

The first night was because of me watching Gilmore Girls by myself at home. Loralai welcomed Rory to come home although she dropped out of college, lost her job, ran away from home+grandparents' home. Rory would like to share the happiness with her mother because she found herself a new job, a company she has been longing to get into. They had not seen each other for months and they finally hugged. AT the same moment, my nose went sour.

That was a really really sweet scene except may be I was a little jealous. That's something that I am never going to enjoy, to experience--mother supporting daughter for whatever she is doing. Every single time, she would not wait to tell me how much she has sacrifice for me and that's the reason why I should not go back to nursing school for another 4 years.

The second night was Sunday night, the Q&A session with Justin. I know it's not because of Justin, my Godbrother, but the whole picture of me with his family. First of all, I already felt like an orphan whenever they talked about how their kids behaved when they took them to church like 20 years ago. Then Auntie gave me cut eye everytime she caught me looking at her, or talking to her two sons. So, I tried not to talk to them in her presence. I know Uncle loves me, I still need to have conversation with Uncle. The fact that she is not happy with me for whatever reason bugs me a lot. Honestly, I could not think of anything that I have had offended her. And this is a burden for not only me, but also herself for not being happy with me. I wish I could help her that's why I talk to Justin about it. But it seems like Justin is a little too occupied with his girl lately and have absolutely no time to deal with this kind of soap business. It's not like he cares anyways. I was thinking of... may be she is not happy with me invading into her family. She is satisfied with a family of four. It may be disturbing for me just being there. In other words, my existence causes trouble.

Now I am upset with myself. I am pretty sure everybody in this world is not completely satisfied with their lives. They must have somekind of obstacles, dark times, stressful situations. Why am I the only one who is complaining constantly?

A Disastrous Friday

Last friday was a disaster. Shoulda, Woulda, Coulda......

Working 10 hours everyday wasn't fun at all. Therefore, whenever I get a half day off, I get super excited, especially it was a FRIDAY, which means I can join my friends for the old friday afternoon volleyball at the AC. Volleyball on friday...YAY

I waited for the whole half day to get there. Playing vball was good. I was having so much fun playing, and seeing some of the friends. I saw Eric as well. Tommy asked me if I wanted to go to watch the varsity game at 7pm. Since no one was going to give me a ride home if I went to sac, I decided to go. He said he was going as well. Everything looked fine until the moment Anne asked me if I wanted to grab a bite before going to the game. I chose to leave with Anne. That was the first mistake of the night.

Mims, Anne and two of their friends went to Subway for dinner. I tagged along. Second mistake of the night. They started to talk about something that I didn't understand. And they didn't really intend to talk to me at all. I was sitting, eating my 6 inch tuna sandwich, dehydrating cos I forgot I left my water bottle at the clinic.

After dinner, they went back to the gym and watched the game. I tagged along. Third mistake of the night.

I decided to sit beside them. Fourth mistake of the night. There was no conversation between me and them.

Blues won and I left right after the game, with no intention to stay at all, sobbing on my way to the subway station. That was probably the only right thing to do the entire night.

Why do I still put myself in this picture while my appearance has never fit in the environment?
Why do I still have expectations from them while they do this to me over and over and over and over again?
Why don't I learn from experience that my appearance means absolutely nothing to them, and the result is being upset by myself?
Why don't I learn to protect myself from being hurt by the same people over again?

the end of october

I can't believe I have only contributed that little in the month of October. Obviously, there hasn't been anything special happened in my life. Our kitten, nana a.k.a meow-mi, arrived our home, became part of our family. She has really nice blue eyes. This energetic kitten brings me a lot of laughters lately. I am happy to have her.

There is an arrival of new life. There is also couple departures. Jerry and Terry, with 2 other neons passed away the other day. Jerry and Terry are the two funniest fish I kept. Unfortunately, they were also the most fragile of all. They had aches all over their bodies. I tried my best to rescue them, but failed. Ever since nomis named them in April, I am more attached to them than ever.

It was nomis' birthday on sunday. I was so tempted to call him, to say happy b-day, to see how he's doing, to tell him Terry's gone. Well, I didn't have the courage to do that and I kept tellinf myself no to do that. I can't take it if he tries to kick me out of his life a second time.

It's eric's birthday on Friday. I think I should call him since he called me on my birthday. But honestly, I don't want to. We saw each other on msn a lot, but nobody initiated conversation. It's been...don't remember how long, we haven't talked. It's sour and bitter, that I recalled the party time that we had with his friends. And now, I am totally out of the picture. I mean, I really don't want to take any step into his life anymore. I don't want to know how much fun he has, and how happy he is. I just don't think I ever wanna talk to him anymore. Walking on the street, I am always afraid I would see him with another girl. I don't know how I will react. I won't cry, but rather stab a knife into my heart to avoid that kind of bitterness.

Vocation

Has anybody listen to Jesus? Has anybody learn about their vocation through the voice of Jesus Christ?

Fearful, worried and lost would be the right word to describe the way I feel about life these two days. How much am I willing to give up if Jesus ask me to sacrifice my life. I pray so hard to be Lord's tool. But I have never expected to do nothing but helping people on a daily basis. Am I really willing? To give but never want to receive; to give my life to the patients without having a personal relationship; to take care of people but not to be taken care of. Since when Lord think i have that kind of strength to do that? "Spend your life to serve my people. It's tough. But life is short. Hang in there, 50 years will pass like a blink."

Everybody was encouraging me to be a nurse. To be a nurse, I need to give up a lot. After 4 years of school, I will have to start working 12 hour shifts. I will have no life at all. That's why I always hesitate if I should get into nursing school or not. Plus, with my situation, I really doubt that my body can handle that kind of stress, no only mentally, but also physically. Physical stress could lead to severe damage to my body. In other words, my life will be short.

To sacrifice my life...... I remember before we receive the communion, Father will say, 'Before he was taken to death, the death he fully accepted...' Then I remember the agony in the garden. "Abba, Father, all things are possible to you; remove this cup from me. Yet not my will but yours be done."

Jesus was human, and so am I. If he can do it, why can't I?

But I am scared. He is asking a girl who longs to be loved to stop wanting to belove. Instead, she gives continuously without asking for return. Wow, Lord want me to be a "wei dai" person. This is too much to give up, too hard to do, and too far to reach.

How can I survive? I mean, HOW? It will be great if I can do this. But having the desire of love to be totally vanished, HOW?

The story of "love ya"

A patient told me about this true story. It was saddening but also taught people not to take everything for granted.

One day her friend was doing some work in his room. His mom was doing something in the kitchen downstairs. A while later his mom called him from downstairs, "Hey, (his name) would you please come downstairs to help me with this?" Unfortunately this kid was occupied with his work. Getting frustrated and annoyed by his mother, he yelled back, "Shut up mom, I am busy." The mother didn't say anything back. Another while later, he heard some unusual noise from downstairs, breaking dishes. His mother collapsed and passed away.

It was terrible. This kid looked pretty tough all through the funeral and paperwork. Then he finally sat down and talked about his feelings. "The last thing i said to my mom was 'shut up mom, I am busy'. If there's one thing in my life I wish I haven't said..."

From that moment on, my patient ends every conversation with her parents or her love ones by "love ya". This way she could make sure, not only they know she loves them, but also if anything happens, it's not too late to tell them "i love you". Therefore, even after an argument before going to bed, she says "ok nite love ya".

I think it's a sweet sweet thing to do. Unfortunately, it does feel a little weird in our culture.

I love my parents, but I never tell them, probably in emails. If I tell them I love them, they would probably be freaked out and would think I am dying soon.
I love my sister, she will laugh at me and will have goosebumps.
I love my Godparents' son, aka Godbrother Justin but I bet he will be scared of me from that moment on if I tell him I love him.
I love my Godparents, but it will be weird to tell them, cos i don't do that to my parents. I will work harder on that one.
I love Asuka and Engela from vball team, but they probably think I am creepy.
I love my best friend Mikel, him I don't have a problem with. We do that, sometimes.

At least I said "Goodbye Mama" and hugged her the last time I saw her, before she passed away. I love you grandma.

Read like Mad

I can either write like mad, or read like mad, can never do both at the same time. Or I should say, I have never found the time to do both. It's been more than a week that I haven't input anything in here. The reason is that, I have been reading the Memoir of Geisha. Finishing a book in 6 days is a first for me. For those who haven't had a chance to read this book, I beg you, READ IT.

Life hasn't been treating me bad, but it certainly isn't easy. Working 10 hours a day is not as fun as I thought, although interacting with different patients is one of the most enjoyable part of my job. When the patient is sleeping, I just simply take out the novel and start reading it. After this Memoir of Geisha, I am reading the Goblets of Fire, the Harry Potter series.

I am going to have a cat by next wednesday, a black kitten. I am a little excited for it, for I have never kept a mammalian pet in my entire life. I don't know how it's gonna be. Is it gonna be a mess? Or is it gonna to feel more life?

Poor Sundin, just the third shift after the NHL lockout, broke his orbital bone. I saw him in the newspaper today. His left eye was so swollen. He must be going through a lot of pain. I beg you, please wear a visor.

Second thought

Again and again, Ihad doubts about the decision with nomis, cos i still think of him... a little lot...

Therefore, I was wondering, why did I do that to torture myself? Did I make the right decision? Sometimes, I regret because of the depression (a little) inside. But on MOnday, something reminded me about what happened that night, the night when it happened.

It was my guardian angel. I used the hair straightener (the hair iron) to straighten my hair that night. And I burned myself a little. That burn was from my guardian angel, sarcastically saying, "Do you wanna know how hell feels like? THERE." In hell, I wouldn't be burned for just one spot of my finger, but my whole body. That was scary enough to drive me away from the deadly sin.

It has been a couple of months. It seemed like I forgot about the pain and had second thoughts about the decision of righteousness. Here comes the guardian angel again, "Let me remind you something, like what's gonna happen if you turn away from God, choosing the path to fire, darkness and punishment."

And here you go, a blister at my left II proximal interphalangeal joint.

Tears of joy

I really don't remember when was the last time I wanna cry because of joy. But today, i can tell it's today.

A patient told me that he could feel my touch contained a sense of medical sympathy. My heart was crying, thanking God for letting me know about the precious gift he gave me. It was so flattering. I prayed so hard (Jesus was probably annoyed by me, since I asked for the same thing over and over and over again) to be God's tool. Like St Francis of Assisi's prayer, peace, love, joy... whatever to ppl around me. Make them see himself in me. Me alone cannot do that, i need his help. I need him to be with me all the time.

A touch of sympathy, I am so glad because that's definitely a gift from above which I have no control over. All I can do is to thoroughly use what is given on the people in need.

Frustration with H.L

I went through some frustration time during volunteer time last night. I can't believe I am having frustrations with volunteer work, the work that I look forward to every week. I choose to do MOnday shift because that was the only time I was free when I was still in school. But now, it seems like I need it to be on a Monday to spice up my week. Last night, it was all Colin and Flod's fault.

By the time I got there, Flod was already working. After the usual greetings, she told me that our friend was not working tonight. And we both knew who our friend was. Would I say that I want to be there because of our friend? Of course not, but it would be nice to see our friend while I am there. From the schedule, the next time I'll meet him during my shift is thanksgiving night, Oct 10. Flod would be there at that time as well. I was all excited and hyper, until around 2030. I swear it was either Colin's attitude, or my insufficient caffine dosage.

Colin was nagging about leaving for a whole half an hour, saying that he was tired from work. I tried to cheer him up for 1.5 hour but not suscessful. Therefore, he finally took off under my escort. So lazy man.

That after coffee/colin dragged me down depression was enforced by me and flod talking about our friend. When I had a feeling that I wanted to tell her, that "i have a crush on....", I knew I was completely screwed. I probably shouldn't say it because this way my feelings leaks out which can turn into a total disaster. But I did tell her, since she thought it was her fault as well. Why? Why does it have to happen? So Flod told me something about him that completely turn her off. She said he is a very insecure person. She could feel that from the way he talks. He could be very nice and kind, but not confident, in a way. We probably have different prespective. I didn't feel the same way when he explained the difference between pronation and supination. Anyways, I shouldn't be spending too much time on this person, since I don't really know him. I only wish he is nice to patients, always generous, kind hearted. Of course it would be nice if he doest that to me too, but it's not necessary.

Dream about Justin

A dream about Justin was hitting me last night. It was kinda weird cos that involved me talking tohim about my personal feelings. I don't remember when was the last time I talked to him about that since the break up with Eric.

Justin is my God brother, elder brother of course. Otherwise, I won't buy him that much. The dream last night was probably due to the comment made by aunties last night, talking about his obedience, his behaviour for being a good son. So, what was the dream about?

It was about us, meeting in a restaurant. I looked extremely frustrated and here he came to listen to my worries. Justin is a very good singer at our church so he has tons of fans. I bet every girl likes him. Then I asked him, "Every girl at church is crazy about you, but I am not, really. Do I have any problem? Am I abnormal? What's the problem with me?" Justin gave me the most innocent look in the world, implying 'i don't know' which was confirmed by his first sentence made afterwards. It came to a dead moment between us. I can't precisely recall the rest of the dream but I remember myself talking about my problems, whatever they are. Justin is a very good listener and I am probably themost troublesome girl he knows, hopefully only in the dream.

The biggest liar on earth

People said pisces are the biggest liar on earth, which I totally agree. It fits perfectly well with my own personal theory. If a little lie can make everybody feels better, less guilty, and diminishes chaos, why not? It would be so perfect and for sure everything looks absolutely fine. Everybody's happy. However, a person can only lie so much that his/her own feelins leaks out, at least once in while. Right, the biggest liar on earth (who only intends to lie to make this world a better place) neglects his/her own feelings. And also, he/she forgets that there are nice people on earth who treat them as a human being, concerning what is going on in his/her mind. When these nice people find out he/she looks all his/her most depressing thoughts or sadness in a vacuum to, claim to make this world a happier, less chaotic place, it breaks their hearts.

I know I know.... that's what will happen. The biggest liar lies too much that he/she tragically forgets their way to reveal themselves. He/she forgets how, to express his/her deepest feelings to others anymore. He/she wants to, but one can't.

Isn't that sad?

Deja vu

The best way to remember everything that I thought of, is to WRITE THEM DOWN. I read when I have spare time these days. However, I didn't pick up the attractive Harry Potter today, but a pen and a paper, writing whatever I thought if. I can't believe I wrote that much. It was almost two pages before the day ended.

I hang out with a friend who is about to move to the States. And then I found out......well...ya. So anyways, I can so correlate this friends with my ex, my ex ex to be precise. I wouldn't say they have bad habits, hm..but annoying. His attitude is too much like him, trying to pretend that they are cool. Phrase like "who cares?" sounds almost too familiar. Trying to be a gentleman which was intentionally done to make me notice. Trying to express the annoying feeling towards his ex. Physically, like hanging his right arm on the top part of the car door when sitting on the passengers' side, tapping his finger(s) on the table, scratching this head in public, touching (may be I should say rubbing..eww)his feet when someone's around, resting I-II phalanges on the chin talking like an expert, saying "you was". Some of these are normal, but this combination, too too too familiar. The way they talk is basically identical.

Riding the rocket on my way to work, I was thinking about the patient from yesterday. A little judgemental on my side, may be. First of all, who am I to judge if a patient can afford the treatment. Then, who am I to judge if the patient really needs the treatment or not. Most importantly, who am I to judge if it's worth it for the patient to pay that amount of money for a treatment which the necessity of the treatment is waited to be determined? But I am sympathetic. What if everything doesn't work out well? Then this patient will end up spending a big portion of his/her income towards ---- nothing.

Today's horoscope from metro:
Take someone off a pedestal now. A man makes a fuss over a happy female. Your self-esteem is about to get a boost.

The last comment is very true. Since the doctor told me she received a lot of good comments about me from the patients. I bet she is happy. Then really boosted up my self-esteem, a lot.

Just a thought

Pisces, the most loving horoscope. Love seems to be the most important thing in her life. However, through experiences, she understands the world isn't that easy to embrace, isn't that easy to love everyone, but it's easy to be heart broken.

However, she continues to love like there is no tomorrow.
Even though people ruin the trust,
Even though people break their promises,
Even though she is heart broken,
Even though people hurt her feelings,
Even though she feels sour whenever she listens to certain songs,
Even though she gets depressed sometimes when memories hit her,
Even though no one cares about the love she is giving,
Even though she doesn't understand why people won't cherish Love,
Even though she is not asking for any return,

She keeps trying her best to Love.

What if the obstacles really hit her hard one day? God take away the most precious thing of hers. She forgets how to love, and beloved, because she doesn't believe in love anymore.

Song "2004"

Play it slow lay it low
You lead and then I'll follow
Ooh heaven I don't know
Where art thou my romeo
Sing it slowSing it so we can be infatual
Doesn't matter where we go
It's unconditiional

＊Will you still be here tomorrow　
Catching morning rays in tohoe　
Will I see you there tomorrow　
Baby can't you see the love in me　

In 2004　Will you be loving me more　
Through all that stormy weather　
Say forever　For you I'll do for sure　
Will you open your door　
Will you come catch me when I fall　
At the end I hope together　
We can soar in year 2004

It's all memories. I become so emotional when I hear these songs. The wind blew through my window. I was laying on my bed, listening to this song, chatting to the person I liked, feeling sweet and sour at the same time. Looking forward to the summer, since nobody has any idea what was going to happen. Yes, although it's already fall, I get the same feeling when listening to this song.

Where does the stress come from?

I only have this amount of time, so i will just write whatever. I have no time to organize anything.

Now, I am helping Eddie to pull people for this wedding choir this saturday. I didn't think it would be that hard. I thought people tend to help. I am stressed about people will actually back out right before saturday. Then I will be screwed. And now, I don't have the Latin copy of Ave Maria, so I am supposed to look for it by tomorrow. I have scan the songs so I can send them to the people who are going to help out. Since we have no time to practice, they will have to look up the songs by themselves. Everything is in a rush since Eddie called me last thursday. I am worried as hell.

I went volunteering by myself today. I finally met bert again. But it's so heart broken. I don't think he remembers who I am. HEART BROKEN. However, I just thanked God for giving him this kind heart, asked God not to take this away, and help him in any ways to help as many people as he can. I have never asked God to connect us. For some reasons, I found it selfish if I asked for that. Being a tool of God has nothing to do with relationships I guess. Well, as long as he is a good nurse, that's the most important. But damn he's cute.

Afternoon dream

I took a nap in the afternoon today. In the dream, I had the most depressing moment ever.

It was so dark outside. I was on my way to visit my "mother school", St Clare's Girls' School. There was supposed to be candles along the slope up to the main office, for some reasons, the candles were not there. I just grapped someone's arm to hold on to. That person recognized me. She said, "Hey, you are Monika. Don't be afraid. We just have to go straight." At that moment, darkness engulfed the world, I saw absolutely nothing.

When I reached the main office, there was white light. The right side was supposed to lead me to the canteen, which changed to a mini library afterwards. Left side was supposed to lead me to open playground. However, for whatever reasons, the right side was renovated to somebody's apartment, 2 bedrooms, some students were cramping in there, watching TV. Then I saw someone waving at me, telling me to go to the first hall to see the performance of the students. The first hall....I have never heard of the first hall. Apparently, the open playground vanished to become two halls. But from one hall to another, there is still some open areas.

When I entered the first hall, some students were performing some dance which I had absolutely no interest in. The light was so bright in there. It was bright white neon light. It felt like I was in a chinese canteen, very uncomfortable. I left and walked towards the second hall. The second hall had exactly the same decoration except it was empty at the moment. I was so upset with the change so I walked to the back stairs, going up to third floor. This is the only place that will never be changed, the statue of Mother Mary. I was so upset that even the colour of the whole building was changed from blue to white. It looks like a mental institution.

I stayed at the statue for a while. Then I saw Mr Choy, the tallest teacher in school. He recognized me. I recognized him as well, although he had so much more grey hair than before. He asked me what I was doing. I said, "I want to embrace this school, and say goodbye. I was brought up here. She taught me the morals and created a mature me, not only physically but also mentally. I was so protected here that i don't ever want to leave. I thank her so much. However, as I see the changes in here, the renovations, I understand that I cannot live in the same shelter forever. She is moving on and I should too. It's sad to say goodbye, but all we can do is to save the tears, be strong and move on. Always remember she had been part of my life, a very important portion of my life." Mr Choy then left me alone to meditate. Other teachers walked by but I don't remember the conversations.

Depressing eh?

End of Summer

Today is my first day of work. Not too excited since I have everything totally in control, nothing new. However, I am a little worried about the future of this clinic. Is this going to be like DK's clinic? Or is it going to end up like Matt's? I have no idea. This little room for me is located in the basement, therefore, there isn't any sunlight like laserlife. Well, hopefully things work out nicely so I don't have to worry too much about anything. I met an old patient from another clinic today. It's nice to see someone familiar in a totally new working environment. At least I have someone to talk to. Then, I wonder, is he ever going to come here?

Songs and memories are really related. Amo was listening to some old songs, which I listened to back in May. Man, memories, memories, memories...... yes, it's nomis, stop asking. When I hear those songs, it feels like the beginning of summer, waiting for something to happen, looking forward to experience new things, curious to find out more about this person. It seems like I drove myself a little too far. When it comes to things like that, I am really really stupid. And man i am stupid.

Life really sucks without volleyball. Although it has only been two days, I randomly picked up the beach vball at home and peppered with the wall. At least I am playing the reverse 6 tournament this weekend, looking forward to that. Edwin called me earlier and invited me to play in the GSU league. I wasn't very sure about what's going, but since I am not playing intramural this year, I might as well play with them. With my skills right now, I am not sure if I am good enough to play with them. But it's FREE lol. I am such a contradicting person.

The labour day tournament marked the end of summer. A long depressing winter will soon begin. Am I going to handle it okay? I don't know. I guess I will just keep myself busy, with work, with church, with vball, with volunteering, with my sister's school work, with my statistics course, with my fish tank.

I don't understand why I can't write these days.

61st NACIVT .... over

The labour day tourny is finally over. I am so sad, very sad indeed. These three days passed by really really fast. There won't be any thursdays, fridays and sundays practices anymore. No one is going to be worried about if we are going to beat phoenix or not. The season is over. So sad that vball is over. I cried in NYC...I wanted to cry again :*(

Remember I said we were not going to be in consolation? I lied. We entered the Gold flight pool but we lost. Therefore, we still ended up in the silver single elimination where we lost in the semifinals. Although the whole summer of practice didn't win us any trophy, various tournaments certainly elevated our skills to a different level. I am pretty sure everyone of us is satisfied with our performance.

61st NACIVT day 1

After coming back from the disappointing trip, I was ready for the labour day tournament at the metro conventional centre. Honestly, I don't want to talk about the trip, because it's going to be full of complaints, and that wouldn't sound good. All I wanted to say is, Mont Tremblant was really nice but I definitely wouldn't pick the same travel agent if I wanted to go there again.

This is a tournament we have been waiting for the whole summer. I am glad I have a chance to participate in it. We didn't play super today, but fortunately, we are not going to be in consolation anymore. Yay! Donny was impressed. And we were happy. I could have played better, for sure. Sometimes, I just have to yell at myself, "Monika, f-king wake up!"

Anne's dad came to watch our game. My first reaction was, "I wish my dad is here." I am so sure that he would enjoy the games, so sure that he would be so proud of me when I play well, so sure that he would tell me what I do crap, and so sure that he would take lots of pictures of me. Man, when's the next time dad's gonna watch me playing volleyball?

New jerseys, warm up shirt and long sleeves warm up shirt today. The warm up shirt was crap. I hate brown. Why do we have to get brown? Why brown? I eat dark chocolate but I never wear anything like chocolate. Baby blue on brown. Why brown??? Urgh..... but the long sleeves is really really nice. I am just going to stick with the long sleeves one. Forget about the dark chocolate lol.

More to say

And yes, here I am, i have more to say.

Remember last time I talked about professional cadgers on the street. Mad, sympathy, guilty... i don't know what I am supposed to feel anymore. Therefore, since I spent the whole weekend in volleyball and missed the sunday mass, I went for a confession and told the father about this confusion. Asking for help from the Holy spirit would be one of my solutions. Asking the Holy spirit to give me this feeling of pitiness for those who suffered from poor. I gave out the fries from harvey's to the poor, since I couldn't get too full before practice.

I left this entry behind for a little too long. I wish I still remember what I wanted to say.

20 days

Ever since my laptop died, and school's finished, i really have to make time for this blog. And so, since the last blog, it's almost 20 days.

Within these 20 days, there were phoenix cup, 4-4 beach tourny, asuka's party and tigers' poker tourny for tigers. There was one faith sharing and one singspiration for yosac. And there was volunteer lunch at TGH.

We came 2nd at the phoenix cup. We played well and most importantly, we had so much fun together. Although we didn't get a chance to beat our rival team, we definitely improved through all these experience. We are proud of ourselves for sure. Man, 11 hours of volleyball was really tiring.

4-4 beach tourny was a blast. I got a chance to play with mimi, anthony, ron and ross. We came second, as usual lol. The weather wasn't very nice at the beginning but it got better in the afternoon. Man, 8 hours of beach volleyball was really tiring.

The anatomy final exam was brutal. BRUTAL!!! It's not like i didn't study or anything, but I don't think dr. wiley really had to put the trickiest questions in the exam. the written exam worth 30% and i really did crap on it. the practical worth 15% and why 15%? i did better on the practical. man... i am scared

so, alen came back from dubai and he gave me a call last friday. From him, I found out that ross, my ex coworker was looking for me. He told me that a doctor from downtown needed someone to operate her bioflex machine. He gave me the doc's number and so i called. i emailed my resume monday at noon, but they didn't call me for the whole day, not the next day either. I was so nervous. I told colin about it, starting to wonder if my resume is good enough or not. and finally i checked my email. The doctor replied my email. she was away for the week and would like to meet me next week. whooho... what a relief. however, the nervous level increase to another stage, the interview nervous!! Ahhhhhhh.....

I was going to TGH from TWH on thursday. When the shuttle bus stopped in front of queen's park station, someone looked really familiar walked across university. the bus turned, i turned my head as well, it's him, nomis. if it's not him, he is a person looked exactly the same as nomis. I recognized his back, his hair and the way he walks. Black pants, white collar with a tie, i guess that's how a lawyer dresses. It's him. I am glad he does just fine right now, starting his own business. He looks happy, not stressful at all. thank God for that.

Rebuild. why rebuild? my ex bf was trying to talk to me again. Apparently he doesn't think there is any friendship between us that now he is coming to rebuild it. but on my side, i would say, he is coming to enforce it. Or is it just me who is assuming there is friendship between us? I have to admit that our relationship long time ago wasn't built upon a strong basis of friendship. therefore, after the break up, there was nothing. and now, he is coming to rebuild. I am sorry, i just found that funny cos i seriously don't think it's that important to address the reason of talking to me. Or do you need a reason to share your life to a friend?

okay this entry is long enough although i really have more to say........ yes, more to say....

Punishment

My first punishment for yesterday's entry -----> a cut on my right thumb, along my I proximal phalanges. A deep cut. I screamed. Why did I wash the knife for my sister? Why didn't put on the gloves before kitchen cleaning? Why? Why? Why?

EXAM's coming, put down your Angels and Demons and start studying girl.

Histology. Omg. There is female reproductive system tomorrow. I hope it's not going to be super boring. The lab session yesterday was pretty good. At least I've got my questions answered. When I didn't know what the heck I am looking at, and how to differentiate different cells, I got really frustrated. And I will cry. That's what happened in the histology labs last year. But Neil was there all the time yesterday. I was talking to Zhia the other day. He is super hyper lol, which makes him a very good TA to bug. I was like, let's bombard his email. Zhia said, you do that so he gets pissed off at you. LoL

what an unmerciful side of me

Okay, I feel super mean before I write this entry. I shouldn't feel that way but the fact that they are there really annoys me.

Can anybody tell me why are there professional cadger on the street, standing at the same place every single day? And there are shifts. At a different time of the day, a different person is standing there, sticking out his hand and "have a good day" you. I don't know what to do with them. I don't go to church with my wallet unless it's a friday. On fridays, I take my money with me for the church. They stand right in front of the church. What a good working site!!! Father always says we should never say no to people who ask, either spiritually or materially. But there are just there every single day. Somehow I finally understand what my parents always say, some people will make use of people's sympathetic nature and take advantage of it. How much am I going to give them? Don't they have anything better to do during the day? Find yourself a living man.

After Da Vinci Code, I am reading Angels and Demons right now. I really like this book as well, although I have only read around 100 pages. Up to this point, it gives me an impression that the best way to prove Genesis is science. How nice! "Let there be light."

We came across the male reproductive system today. This is actually the first time I have fun in a reproductive histology class. It's funny how the professor actually uses the analogy to describe the spermatozoa entering the epididymis from the testicles. So, when there are so many passengers standing at St George station, the train has never come, nobody shuts off the esculator, people will just keep coming. And the passengers on the platform get pushed forward until ...... well ...... When the spermatozoa get pushed to the epididymis, they have their swimming lessons. At the beginning of the epididymis, they don't swim at all when you look under the microscope. In the middle segment, they probably swim in circles. At the end of it, they graduate cos they can swim in straight lines finally, entering the Ductus Deferens. Too funny.

Have to read Harry Potter next. And Notebook.

Patio Party

Asian volleyball teams from Toronto held a patio party last saturday fundraising for the labour day tournment. Asuka and I went together because I knew I would recognize anybody if I went alone. I had an eagerness to leave after just half an hour. I still don't understand how people can enjoy this kind of party. Is this just a place for people to get to know each other? What if I am not very interested in meeting people at all? Then my friend's friends got wasted. I guess that was the only time I had fun for the whole night cos they acted really stupid haha. My legs were sore so I found a rail to lean on. I was just sitting there, having my cranberry vodka, nobody was talking although sean, Elvia's friend was standing right in front of me. After a while, he was like "are you bored?" Of course I am bored what are you thinking? "So, what can I do to make you feel better?" Oh my goodness, what a deja vu! Mladin, April 9th. Sean got me another drink, trying to help me checking out the guys. He pointed to some of them lol, they were either too short or too stupid. I mean for real, Eugene, it doesn't take long to figure out the idiocy right there. We left at around 3:30am, since Herbie was so wasted. And he had practice at 11:30am lol.

How exactly do sluts look like? I was thinking, what do they do to make them sluts? Or being slutty? I saw some at the party. Although no one has ever told me about the definition of sluts, I knew they MUST be. It makes me wanna puke. But the guys probably had the sweetest taste ever. ewww....

My ankle is 'bout 80% right now. I can play with the ankle brace on. That ankle brace works magic man! And I am going to play on aug 14th, the 4-4 beach tourny. I was surprised mimi actually invited me to play. So, I will have ron, anthony, rodrick, mimi and myself on the same team. Hopefully the weather would be nice on sunday.

Lots to do

It wasn't too excited today, and didn't feel like writing at all.

I played some light vball today to see how my ankle is recovering. It's not 100% yet, but I was able to do some really light drills. So may be it was a good idea that steph and I don't enter the tournament on saturday.

Hockey season is back!!! It's too excited!!! However, WHAT are you doing John Ferguson? While every other team is signing free agents, Jeff O'Neil is the only player we signed. And Peter Forsberg is playing for the flyers, wtf?!

So I found out that I couldn't make the volunteering night next monday because of the choir committee meeting. I am a little disappointed because I am pretty sure that bert is going to be there. And I just found out that I couldn't participate in the 4-4 beach tourny on August 14th because fo the members' meeting at church. Oh man, the last thing I found out is that, I haven't studied at all and my schedule is packed for the next couple of weeks.

Good time @ da BEACH

I had a splendid day yesterday. The tigers team went to the beach together. I was glad that I had a chance to hang out with them although my ankle was still injured. The weather was fantastic. Anthony and Ron were there and we met Bowie. It was funny because I knew Bowie has the same birthday as I do before he gets to know what I am. I saw Jenson but again, I don't know why I didn't say hi to him. It was probably me, I was too worried if the other person wouldn't remember who the heck I am.

After spending a couple hours in the sun, Elvia and Asuka came to my apartment for the pool. I had a good time and I though both Asuka and I had a very good session of therapeutic swimming for our ankles. My ankle feels better and hopefully I could play again by the end of this week.

It was Monday volunteering night. I went although it was civil holiday for Canada. There won't be less sick people just because it's a holiday right? So I saw Colin. He missed two weeks in a row. Then I found he was suffered from back pain for the past two weeks. Poor thing. We had so much fun together cos we spent most of the time joking around. And I had to tell him that story with Shehzy cos he was right there last night. I just didn't want to go inside at all simply because I didn't know what to say to him. Disappointment...just a little.... Bert wasn't there. But both of the clerks and I were talking about him. I can't believe Flod actually asked him if he has a girlfriend. I was like what? I thought she was just gonna ask him how old he is. And it turned out that bert was too embarassed to answer this question. He pretended he has never heard the question. Too funny lol. Then I told Flod not to mention my name to him, EVER. Cos I don't want him to think that I was the one who wants to know if he has a gf. Man..i don't think i would be able to talk to him ever again.

Me and Colin went to bubble tea on our way to bloor. We were discussing what he was going to get for almost the whole shift. He couldn't decide cos I totally thought he was picky. When we got there, he picked green apple green tea, surprisingly. Green apple green tea. Too much memories. I told him that he might not like it cos nomis didn't like it. But it turned out that he was really really satisfied with his choice. He finished it in no time and chewed all the ice cubes in there as well. Wow...... I guess white people are not identical.

Miracles miracles miracles...... i went to see Colina today in the morning before class. The alarm was set at 7am so I could go to morning mass, then see colina, then go to class. However, I was completely trapped in that dream I had (I totally forgot what that was about though). I missed the mass, almost late for the appointment. The stomach was groaning after the appointment so I went to the bagel shop for my breakfast. And guess who I saw? yes, he was getting a bagel for breakfast as well, I think. I didn't talk to him because he would ask me what I was doing there. And I definitely didn't want him to know that I am a patient. So I kinda just lined up. He got his bagel and left. Man...I am so chicken. May be not, but I feel so chicken. I am such a chicken.

Communication problem

It's an "alright" day today. Mom called again in the morning. We were talking about the same old thing. I felt so annoyed, didn't know how to deal with her anymore. When I kept myself silent, she was pissed. When I started talking about my own opinions, she thought I offended her or something, which I totally thought I didn't. Honestly, I was just trying to express myself and hopefully she wouldn't be too stressful about everything. Well, I seriously think that I am having serious communication problem with her.

Talking about communication problem, I found out my communication skills got better after I started volunteering. Then this skill got me a very nice job at Laserlife, where I strengthen this skill. I can talk to people with different background, different age groups or different believes. I was so confident that I could deal with different kinds of people. However, right now, I haven't worked in that clinic for a while, talking to people is no longer one of my strengths. I am nervous of strangers again. I am so, almost too quiet when I am within a group of people that I don't know. I just don't feel like talking at all. Man...I am losing it.

Strangers. I started to address the problem lately. This problem cannot be solved unless I take the initiative. Again, I am the only person who can help myself. How sad.

Spicing up my life by Fr. Roland

An email from Father Roland made my week/LIFE.

An email was sent to Father Roland couple days ago. I told him that I was finally graduated. Hoping his email address wasn't changed, I received his reply the next day. I was so happy and he said I looked great in the picture. He is still in Italy right now, longing for Hong Kong. For me, I am longing to meet him again. I still remember his warm smile, just like Jesus, always warm, accepting and generous. He is a Franciscan. I can't find a better person to explain the prayer of St Francis, to guide, to get instructions on how to work this out in life.

BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD: I dropped the Eucharist on Monday. I still can't get over it. That Father picked it up and ate it for me. And he still asked me if I was okay. I was okay, but I was upset of myself. I met the same Father again on Wednesday. His homily made me feeling blessed. I wish I know his name so I could thank him and pray for him.

I had a really nice conversation with sil last night. We talked about our religion. Apparently both of us are pretty conservative, which is good, I think. Because this is the only way of keeping the faith, keeping Roman Catholics from distortion. It is interesting that Sil knows so much about our religion. I feel like I need to study harder to catch up.

Monday night volunteering was BORING. I had the most fun on putting the names of the nurses on that shift on the board. However, there was no Julie or Bert. I saw Kathy instead and I found out she is a Catholic. How nice. Colin wasn't there and the ER entrance was under construction. It looked so weird and I felt like I didn't belong there. I left when it's time to go, with my aching ankle.

So, what should I do when I feel like I have abnormal hormonal level again? There is still no solution and should I spend my life time to find out.

One day of pilgrimage is not enough

Here I am again. I get to a point that I don't know the reason of dropping my tears anymore. Am I too sad or too happy? I forgot.

I always want to talk about my problems with other people. However, there is no way to start, at least I don't know how to. And again, it's too sad to talk about it. Therefore, I shut up, or I lie. I hide it too well. After I cried, people said hey monika you looked tired. Then I smiled and said yes. When the hell am I going to step out of my boundaries and talk to people about my problem? Or is this going to happen?

"Make me not to so crave to be loved as to love;" Lord help me how to do this

I saw Fr Elliot today. It was so great to talk to him. He is always encouraging. He always makes himself available to us. I told him about everything spiritually. Everything has been doing great. I lied, even on my face. That nice big smile reallly worked magic. I am sorry, but I really don't know what to say. I said I was gonna call him. This time, I made myself promise to call him on tuesday. You know, no one can help me unless I step up and help myself. You shall be fine kid.

Pilgrimage

Today was the Midland Pilgrimage day.

I only decided to go because I sprained my ankle. Well, if this is the calling from God, He really made a very good choice to call me. :p I was going with a depressing heart. I still thought too much about the things I worried from the night before. However, I let it go, let it out, thought about it again, made some prayers, and I feel much better right now. Prayers heal. Again, the more I read the Prayer of St Francis of Assisi, the more I thought that I was thinking a little too much, or this wasn't the right way of thinking. I was creating problems for myself.

There was some papers for people to write their prayers. I made three prayers today, for three different people, and burned two candles. Prayers were for thoumber, nomis and myself. Candles were for the former two.

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace,

Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
where there is sadness, joy;

O Divine Master,
grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

Absolutely a crying baby

My emotions has been quite dramatic these couple of days. I am not sure if it is due to my hormone level. But I think that's probably it. I cried because I was sad. And I cried because I was happy.

My ankle was sprained again last thursday. Although it has been a year and a half, I still remembered the pain I had to bear right after I sprained it. Anyways, it was so painful that I almost cried. But I DIDn't. I am so proud of myself that I can still walk, limping though. I saw enge online at night. She asked me how my ankle was doing. I told her about the big fat foot. It's not only swollen at the ankle, but also at the tarsal bones. Then I told her that I was really happy that she called me on wednesday for vball. I was so appreciated that when enge thought of doing something, she also thought of me. When I typed that on msn, I cried. Sometimes I feel lonely and no one cares. anne and mim had never called me out for vball, although I asked, and asked, and asked, and I gave up.

Since my ankle was sprained, I decided not to go to practice but singspiration at church. I was looking forward to let out all my emotions to sil, cos he's one of the closest at the youth group. But when I saw the strangers in his car, I found out that may be I am not that close to him. Therefore, I completely shut up. When I got to the church, I closed my eyes. The world was only consisted of me and the Lord. Lord said, "I love you kid. Come to me, and tell me about your worries. Who are you kidding?" I cried, and I cried harder. I let go of my burdens to him, I cried. I felt blessed that He love me, I cried. Oh my Lord, thank you, thank you, thank you.

That was the reason why I didn't want to go bubble tea with the group later on that night. I knew Sil is very very nice to me, and he would concern about how I am doing. Then I would start talking, then I would cry. I didn't let it happen by leaving with Uncle Roger. Sil called me after, and asked me where I went. I told him I left. I wanted to tell him more, but I didn't know how to start. Then I called him again later in the night, wanting to thank him for concerning about my ankle. However, I couldn't squeeze out the words for some reasons. Um...it's probably because he kept talking and I couldn't find the right moment to say it. Damn myself.

Humble Bert

Okay, heres something about the volunteer night on monday. I was left alone again. DAMN you Colin Newman. It was a busy night, with some Chinese patients. On one hand I had to clear up the triage area, on the other hand I had to interpret for the Cantonese/Mandarin speaking patients.

Two special things happened that night. Since it was a really hot night, I wore skirts. Nurse Julie saw my bandit on my knee. She asked me what happened and I told her about the exudates coming out of the wound and the bandit was stuck there. I fricking got injured under the knee pad. What's the point of wearing the knee pad then?? Anyways, she told me what to do and slipped a polysporin into the pocket of my volunteer vest. She is super nice. omg...... it's probably because I haven't had anybody cares about me with this kind of tiny things for such a long time. I don't think my mom would care when I get scratches like that. aww.... that was so sweet.

Hm... when I was trying to take a wheelchair for a patient, somebody was saying hi to me. It was the nurse who I talked to last time. His name is Humberto. Everybody calls him Bert. Last time I asked him about the difference between pronation and supination. The only reason I picked him to ask is I completely thought he was a doctor. The ward clerk told me he was a nurse. I didn't believe cos he completely has what a doctor is supposed to have. Doctors are cute and smart (so not fair). So, there you go, the next week, he was working out in the triage area, with me lol. I heard too many good stories about him. Joan, another ward clerk, told me that he is a very good man, good heart, humble, hardworking. I was like wow, the wardclerk last week said the same. Hm..interesting. Gotta find an anagram for his name. It's a challenge though.

NYC tourny

The NYC trip was great. We played well on the first day. I really enjoyed playing strong teams because that was the only way to improve our game to another level. However, the second day was CRAP. I played like crap. omg..... I was so disappointed with myself because I definitely had dragged down the team spirit. Anyways, lets put this behind me and look forward to the next tourny. FOCUS is the key.

There were several things I found out for myself from this trip. First of all, I found out that I am paranoid with people looking at me. Engela was staring at me several times. I looked away and looked at her again. I was like "what are you looking at?" Right I am paranoid. Is there a reason for that? Well, when people stare at you, they are quite possibly thinking something about you. I don't know what the heck they are thinking. I think that really scares me a lot. They look at me like a weirdo.

Another thing is, when I see some old friends, I have never gone up to say hi. I always think they should come up to me and say hi to me. I saw some of my teammates went up to a lot of guys and kinda socialized with them. For some reasons, I couldn't do that. Going up to some guys is not one of the things that I have the courage to do. What if that person don't even remember who the heck I am? So although I recognized a lot of people, esp guys, from the tourny, the only person I had said hi to was Jeff Chung. He was really nice and actually asked me how's it going. Man he's hot but I guess he forgot his razor during the trip. lol

After the tourny, we came back to town. I had my first histology class with this prof. Then we had labs in the afternoon. Then I realized how much I missed Dr Wilson's histology class last last semester. OMg...microscope.. it was so much easier to look at things under the mic these days. And the most amazing thing is, I recognized the components. aww... I am so excited about the labs right now. Yay!!

Driving to NYC....Nervous

I am so nervous right now cos I am going to drive to New York tomorrow. I seriously don't remember when was the last time I drove, although I have a G license and a international license. Hopefully we don't die.

Things have been just fine lately. It's probably because I was focused on organizing the trip for the girls. I kinda got frustrated with some companies. Some of them just simply didn't have customer service skills. And it would be much appreciated if they put someone who could speak english on the phone. It's not easy in doing logistics. Thank God we got over it.

I really like Neil, our anatomy TA. Sometimes I think he is a little too proud of himself, but he is the best TA on earth. I totally understand why Ziah likes him that much. He helped us so much, and went through things as clear as possible. And according to Ziah, he is a PhD candidate of MD. He is hyper 24/7. I think only people like that can be a candidate of PhD, esp PhD of MD. wtf, can anything be better that that? And also, he is cute too bad he is a little too short lol.

So we are done with Dr Lee, and next week we will start histology. I really miss Dr Wilson's Histology class. For some reasons, I think Dr Wilson is the best prof I have ever had at UofT. He made boring things clear, simple and interesting. Who on earth likes to study things under the microscope? I am pretty sure I hated microscope before I took the class, simply because I was really bad at it. But right now, I am not scared, and look forward to the histology section of our anatomy class. How excited!!

Have a nice weeked at NYC. And God, please keep us alive.

Manual hormone regulation

NYC here I come!

We finally decided to go to NYC for the weekend. The blue team enters the NY mini tourny. Since everything happens all of a sudden, there is a problem in renting a van and getting accomodation. But, everything will be sorted out tomorrow, for sure.

The last entry was upsetting. I am pretty sure it was due to my hyposecretion of estrogen and progesterone lol. I should eat more soya product or legumes. But I don't eat legumes, so I should drink litres of soya milk. All I was talking about was the two party friends, who didn't call me out for parties, or beach vball. Think about it, do you really want to go to the parties they go to? But how about beach? What because of the "Asian Hottie"? You guys think he's hot but I definitely think he needs a hair cut to get rid of his "MacDonald" head. Anyways, there are other people on earth. Too bad I am living in a North American city. There are too many weirdos.

I met my partner Colin again on monday night. Both of us didn't know we were supposed to train a new volunteer tonight. And so we had three volunteers, forming a volunteer wall in front of the triage. Since both of them are "Canadian", me, this chinese canadian left them and walked around the department, look for work. It was wonderful that night, cos my favourite nurse was doing triage, my second favourite nurse was at acute, and that male nurse with no smile left lol. Me and that ward clerk got along well, but too bad Jason left for teaching in military school. He gotta share his experience with me when he comes back. Anyways, I was talking to Colin on my way home, expressing the eagerness of moving out of the city. He's like, no, Monika, don't go. They will send me someone boring. I was like I am not funny. He said I was funny. I was like aww...so sweet. From now on, I will appreciate more than before, when other people are happy about my appearence. I like Colin. He makes me feel that I am worthwhile.

Justin always says I think too much. Every time I tell him this,"Function of brain = storage + thinking." I know it's much more than that, but to a brother whose background is music, this is good enough, rather than mentioning about neurons, signal, hormones, sympathetic...blah blah blah..

Going away and Never come back

Richie always tells me that I need a vacation. I tell him I need to go away and never come back in response, every time. In fact this idea does not come to my mind just once. And again, it's too sad to share with other people.

This feeling came to my mind again when steph asked me this question, "It's saturday night monika. what are you doing tonight?" Right, what am i gonna do on a saturday night? I ended up reading my da vinci code at auntie teresa's place. What have I been doing on other saturday nights while I was not reading? The more I think of it, the more eager I want to leave this city and never come back. I understand all this happened after the break up in January. It's been half a year, I am completely over with my ex, but my social life has been crap. Sometimes I wish my friends are more caring than before because of the break up. But people actually disappear. Besides the people I mentioned couple entries ago, ppl from tigers are the same. I wish I could play beach vball when I am bored, no phone call was received. I thought we talked about that the night before, but... And why did she have a problem when another guy invited me to another pick up vball? What the heck did I do to offend you? Eng said I may be asking too much out of a friend. I mean if this is too much, i will choose to leave, rather than dying alone here.

I like to be around my friends, although I don't talk a lot. I need some friends who can accept me as who I am, the whole package of me, like to hang out but quiet. Why can't I be that guy, or this girl? That guy refers to a friend of eric who never talks...don't even know his name.

The song "shall we talk", talks about relationship between lovers, parents children, and friends.

I have No lover, parents who I have difficulties in communicating with are 10 thousand miles away, and friends who don't care.

The Da Vinci Code

Someone was reading "Angels and Demons". I thought, may be it's time for me to finished up my half done "The Da Vinci Code". Since I did the first half almost a year ago, I had to start all over from the beginning to refresh my memory. I could not put down the book once I started. And now, I am almost done, it's time to go to the bookstore and take a look at "The angels and demons", the next book I am going to read.

I walked over to the magazine section, reading 'bout the stem cell research in National Geographic. I was planning to buy the magazine since it gave almost full explanation about the history and the research itself. Then I walked over to the anatomy section looking for some neuroanatomy reference for ANA300, and I've found none. After that I browsed around at the religion section where I found great books about PJPII. I wish I could own "the wisdom of PJPII" but it's like 18 bucks. I will just go there to read it and wait until it's on sale.

I kept walking after reading "the wisdom of PJPII". Then I saw titles like "the Holy Grail", "Mary Magdelene...", "the Da Vinci Code Decoded" etc. I wouldn't be surprised if there were like one or two books focused on the background of the Da Vinci Code, but there were at least more than ten books, talking about the Holy Grail, Leonado Da Vinci, the Last Supper, Priory of Sion, mostly the research and historical background of the novel. I was like holy shit...so many books. Are they just doing that to attract readers, or to support Brown's ideas to create controveries against christianity, or to clarify the Da Vinci Code is strictly a fiction? I didn't really read the books but just by flipping around it, some authors leaned towards christianity clarifying some plots in the book while some were talking about the historical group, Priory of Sion. Although the Priory of Sion is apparently the "good guys" in the book, I highly suspect what exactly this secret organization actually does in reality. I was shocked when I first read the relationship amount Mary Magdelene, the Holy Grail and Jesus Christ. What would actually happen if there are historians who do research about the Holy Grail and the Priory of Sion, trying to reveal to the world about what was written in the novel? I definitely have no doubts about my faith, but some people out there are actually have some sort of evidence to destroy it? Isn' that scary? shoot man..... As a matter of fact, Priory of Sion really does exist, and there are historians doing research on the Holy grail.

Now I have problem in finishing the last 60 pages of the novel. I feel like I am a betrayal of my church, feel like doing penance because of this book.

Canada Day Weekend

Canada day weekend was grrreat. The weather was nice enough to carry out the tourny, although it was a little too windy. At one point, we were just playing against the wind, didn't feel like we were playing vball at all. I had fun overall. The Connex A games was just crap. But we played an amazing game vs MTL free masons. They were a very good team but we played up to their level. It felt sooo good although we lost. We did good defense, asuka was executing while I blocked the heck out of them LOL Hey I got really nice tanning here. God, I look so nice right now....just wait for a couple more days....my skin is gonna peel....eww..

When excitement was over, I had to come back to life and studied for the exam. I was so nervous cos I spent almost the whole weekend having fun. Justin was supposed to meet me on sunday. He didn't show up. But he told me that he was going to meet Brian and Nathaniel at the lab on monday morning. I went there on Monday morning, only Brian was there. We met, talked a little, talked about the arches of the foot, plantar ligaments...... Until Nathaniel came, I studied the head neck region. The best part was the group study with Andrea and Nathaniel. I learned so much from them cos they made their own notes...not like me...studying without organizing it. Thanks Andrea and Nathaniel, and Brian of course. What the heck is the problem with Justin??? I was talking to Richie today. Richie said some people are weird like that. He told me to confront him, like "do you have a problem with me or what?" We'll see. If it comes to a point when I feel I can't take it anymore, I may do that. Just hopefully I wouldn't yell lol.

The test today was okay. I was a little nervous though. I was jumping and stretching around as usual. Everybody looked so intense, so my behavious looked pretty weird. Anyways, MC was a little tricky, as usual. The practical was okay, damn..got the nasal palate wrong.

What's wrong with people these days?

I don't know if it's my problem or what? People are weird as hell lately. They all looked stressed and pissed off.

First of all, Colin didn't show up for volunteer last night. I was left alone to deal with the weirdos. A family member of a chinese patient came up to me and complaint about her life. She said living with her mom was so difficult, plus her mom didn't speak english. She lived an hour away from the hospital so it was hectic for her to travel. I mean I understand what she was trying to express but saying it three times made it really annoying. I didn't say anything besides "elderlies are like that in general" which I think it's true. You just have to be more patient with them. And she complaint about the family doctors didn't listen to their hearts underneath the shirt, comparing to the doctors in HK, the doctors in HK were better. Sounds EXACTLY like my mom. Again I didn't say anything. Then she's like you have so much patience, you're gonna be a good nurse. WEird.

Then when I was talking to a visitor, a doctor rushed out and said "i need your help, do you want to come and help me? you are doing something more than dealing with patients." I was like...okay, I followed him. He actually wanted me to stock up the equipments at fast track area. He went up the the charge nurse and said she was gonna help me out. So, the charge nurse didn't agree but the doctor wanted me to do. I knew this wasn't my job but if there wasn't anybody doing it, I don't mind to stock up the gloves and stuff. Plus, it wasn't that busy out in the waiting area. I ended up getting trapped in the conflict between the doctor and the charge nurse. Omg.... I don't know what I am supposed to do. I think the doctor has a point. If everyone was so busy and I wasn't doing anything, why wouldn't the nurse let me help out a little? But that will violate the boundary of the PCA's job.

Another weird thing. What the heck happens with Justin, my classmate? He just completely stopped talking to me. We were in the same lab. I was trying to study with him. Then all of a sudden, he's like ignoring me. I didn't do anything to him. All we did together was lunch. Can anybody explain to me what happen? What? New rules on earth? Friendship can only last one month for me? Then we can't talk to each other no more?

More weird things.... Auntie joe... don't even want to talk about it. It's too weird and too sad. I wish someone could tell me what I have done wrong. Ya I have met some new friends lately, see how they are going to ignore me again in a month!

The End of Days

I went to Auntie Teresa's place and watched the End of Days on TV. Although the story was not true in life, it was excited until Satan actually turned into a scary monster. I really didn't like that part because Satan is evil in heart. The audience should be able to feel the darkness instead of visualizing it. All in all, I don't think Satan is a scary monster. It may just look like any of us, with an evil heart, like that actor. Satan does everything to separate us from God. And sometimes, we are really mentally weak enough to believe him. That tells the reason why this world is so dominated by this power of darkness. I am frightened sometimes because I am only human. I lost hope because it seems like there isn't anything I could do to change that. But the priest in the movie told us to have faith. Only when we have faith, we can beat the power of evil, the power of darkness.

Yes, I am weak. I know what's wrong but I still want it. I hate the fact that I am not going to see him online anymore, never. I hate it. We completely evapourated from each other's life, but can you also vanish from my mind?

Decisions Decisions Decisions

I haven't been writing lately simply because I am dead lazy. Also, I really should stop complaining and get real.

How to get real? My parents called me the other day if I wanted to go to Australia for further studies. I actually did some research by myself but Australia wasn't my priority. However, now that they talked about it and said that they had some friends over who can help me in enrolling the programs there, I thought more about it. I mean that could happen if things work out. So, now I really have to think of what I want to do for the rest of my life. It's not a decision that could be made in a couple of days. That involves a lot of research and experience with professionals. I want to be a RMT, nurse or physiotherapist.

I went to a RMT school today and the program really attracted me. That person made me to feel that I was a very good candidate for their school because of the degree I earned and working experience. However, nursing school is really something that I want to do for the rest of my life. RMT earn me a decent salary, nursing earn me a life time job. Now how about physio? It's kinda in the middle of the previous two. I could earn a decent salary, job security and I don't have to work shifts like nurses do. The only thing is I know i like the job nature of nursing but still not sure about what I am supposed to do as a physio besides teaching ppl to do exercise in order to get full recovery and increase range of motion after the lack of movement because of injuries.

Decisions Decisions Decisions

Being a daughter

So my parents are gone. Everything goes back to normal. It was father's day on sunday, so I got some little gifts for my uncle Herbert and uncle Roger. Both of them are happy and I am glad that they are happy. I received an email from Uncle Roger on monday. He said thank you and it's his honour and pleasure to have me as his daughter, and the bottom says 'love dad'. I almost cried. Although it's just a simple sentence, it's so touching. I am pretty sure Uncle Herbert feels the same but he just doesn't say it. But wow, I have never read a letter or an email with 'love dad' before. I can't believe that's how much they love me and appreciate me as a daughter.

I am not trying to compare anything here but I really feel something that I have never experienced before. I always think that I will be so happy if my parents are proud of me, if they are happy to have me, or appreciate me as their daughter. My own parents are proud of me because I finished university. They came over for my graduation. I was happy. But the talks made me feel that they want more than that. They are not appreciated with what I achieved and they expect more. People always say they just love me in a different way. But shouldn't I be feeling the love from them? Fine, it's okay to have expectation on me, but I don't think I will be able to reach them, cos I don't think I will do an MBA. What the point of comparing me with other people's kids? Do I really have to follow everybody else's footsteps?

See they are not proud of me, and they don't appreciated what they have at all, and they want more and that's why they are pushy and that's why I fricking can't live with them. They will say "oh if you do this and that, you will be more proud of yourself." Does this sentence even make sense? They will be more proud of me but why can't they just be thankful that I fricking finished the tough work at University? Did they ever know how much I suffered to get the stupid degree?

"I am sorry dad. I know you appreciate me and you are proud of me already. You make the options opened for me to choose whatever I want to do. I know you are more of an understanding person. I should just change the 'they' above to 'she'. I love you dad."

Need a brainwasher

I can't believe it's almost the end of June. And I can't believe I didn't work very hard on this blog for the month. I have a reason, reasons may be. I need a brainwasher. The images of nomis still scatter in my brain. I refused to write them down because I don't want to remember how stupid I am right now when I look at my blog again like 10 years later.

yes... i confessed to Colin last night, that I still thought of him, a lot. I mean wtf am I thinking? Although we just met each other twice outside the clinic, I remembered a lot of things from him. Why? I remembered the way he smiled, the way he thought, the way he kissed me, the way he touched me, the way he slept, the way he said thank you, the way he handed me the water. And now we are not talking to each other. As I was talking to congee last night, we completely evapourated from each other's life. All it remained is pieces of memory mushrooming in my pig head. I hate it. I HATE IT. Then I asked myself, well what the hell do you want? If you want him that much, call him or stock him or do watever you can. But no, i don't want him back. See how bad I need a brainwasher? or I need something to hit my head and causes some memory loss.

Convocation

Although I am really tired right now, I have to do this entry since there are so many new things I just figured out these couple of days. And I am afraid that I am gonna forget.

First of all, I had my convocation yesterday. Obviously my parents were more excited than I did. For some reasons I wasn't too proud of myself. I thought I deserved it but it could have been something better. I promise, that I will be more proud during my next convocation.

I saw Eric S yesterday. We had the ceremony together. He looked so different with his glasses. I thought he was going to do his masters but he's gonna stay here and work instead, making some good money. We were talking about our careers, the "my parents want me to do ...." talk. It has been great seeing him again cos I have been trying to call him ever since march. Anyways, I wasn't aware of the way he looked. Amo told me that he looked like simon in a way. I was like.... omg...she was so right. Gees... that's so scary... and it feels weird now. eric is simon, simon is eric.

Then, it's my mother. It's good that my parents are only staying for a week. I don't think I can't stand my mother more than that. She complains about everything. EVERY-FRICKING-SINGLE-THING. She talks like a typical chinese who doesn't know how to enjoy life in Toronto and that's why HK is always a better place to live. And omg..she is sooo fricking loud and rude. Comments made every second and most of them were negative. I found it fairly difficult, challenging to satisfy her, to make her happy. I mean what am I supposed to do? I am getting more stressful when more complaints are made. omg.. when you ask her before head, she says it doesn't matter. But in reality, it does fricking matter. Man.... 3 more days to go... .. 72 hrs....

LIfe Lesson 2

Sunday night, Amo and I was trying to pick up our parents from the airport at night. My uncle, aunt and Katie were there as well. Auntie Windy asked me how come my aunt wasn't gonna pick us up to the airport as well. Somehow I had the same question in mind, but I also had the answer so I just never bothered to wonder. We were early and the flight was delayed. When parents arrived, uncle and aunt picked all of us up and drove us back to their place. How ridiculous!! They did that without even letting us know. So, we had to go back downtown after that. And we were so prepared for our parents to come over to OUR place. C'mon, we are a family whom should be staying together. They are just gonna be here for a week. I just don't think Uncle and aunt respected us at all cos they never talked to us about their plan. I was so pissed off when I was in the car. I wasn't happy to sit in their car in the first place. And why are they taking my parents to their place???

When I got home, I was still really pissed off. And I need a punch bag for sure, but I can't hit my sis lol. So I called my Auntie Angel in Singapore. Unfortunately she wasn't available to talk to me at that moment. Then I saw coach Kenneth's number, I called him. I talked to him about what happened at the airport. He was trying to comfort me by dragging me away from the topic. He told me that he broke up with rach, which i kinda predicted. I am not trying to be rude, but rach is too much of a troublesome girl for a mature man. Although I am rach's very good friend, sometimes I can't stand her because she is too self-centred, inconsiderate in a way. Anyway, I then told him about simon. I told him that I learned a valuable life lesson from this ridiculous experience.

It's so funny that he said I am growing up. I have to admit that I am growing up lol. I know I rely on somebody a little too much sometimes. I really should take care of myself before learning to take care of two people. Anyways, he said I should thank simon to participate in this experience which helps me to get more mature than before. I should buy him dinner for that because changing people's way of thinking is not easy and I couldn't think of anyone else who is that influential to me. I was like, he would think I was trying to get serious with him if I give him a call and ask him out for dinner although my intention is just to thank him lol.
Although simon acts like jerk to me according to my every single friend, there are something I should learn from him:

• He is more of a laid back person. He is relaxed at all times. He makes sure he reserves enough time for one event. That means he will never rush things.
• He is quiet. I used to be quiet. That means he only talks when it's necessary, not nonsense. It's pretty good.
  

Life Lesson

It's been almost a week. With the number of times I talked to my friends, I totally let go of him emotionally. Then I started to rethink what is going on as a whole. It really sounded more like a joke. This is probably one of the most ridiculous things I have ever done in my entire life. Why would it happen? And what lesson have I learned from this experience?

My first mistake: I talked too much. I am pretty sure we could be compatible if we met before Jan 2005. Remember back in January, after the break up, I completely changed to a noisy bitch. I like the old me, quiet, shy and innocent. Hopefully it's not too late to appreciate what I had, who I was before.
Lesson: SHUT the F UP

Second mistake: I am intense at all times. Unfortunately, this is just me. I am intense about everything, anything. I forgot since when I developed this kind of personality. I get happy easily, and get mad because of little things. I don't know what I should do to change that. The worst thing is, I don't really think I need to change any of this.
Lesson: Just Be Myself

Third mistake: I don't know what I want. I don't think I am ready for relationship right now. See what happens here is I "pressured" him and "expected" too much from him, although I really don't think I had. So, I guess I have to learn to be more independent before getting myself involved in watever kind of relationship. I need to learn to love myself, protect myself, take care of myself before considering to have a partner, taking care of each other.
Lessen: Grow up and be Independent

I know it's nice to love and to belove. But right now, I am feeling comfortable by myself. I am the only person I need to be responsible of. And for real, I am learning to be independent. When I was in a relationship before, besides my to-do list, I always took my partner's schedule into account and planned what I was going to do. And I also cared too much about what the other person would think if I did this and that. From now on, I will just do whatever I want for the sake of myself.

Stopped being convenient

Although I am very disappointed about what happened with nomis, I definitely think this is the best ending I could ever get. I understand that I couldn't get rid of him by myself. And it nicely worked out as I was not taking the initiative to stop the "i don't know what it is" relationship. However, it's the crappy reason that pisses me off the most.

I wasn't planning to do this at all on saturday night. I was getting ready to go over to his place. I didn't know why I told him I didn't want to go at the last minute, after I was all prepared to leave my house. Then somehow the "emotional conversation" started by me asking the question why he didn't say goodbye before hanging up the phone. I forgot how he started saying that he wasn't looking for something serious in his life. Then I started to clarify myself that I wasn't either and that "goodbye" question was the only thing I was looking for. If this "goodbye" question annoyed him that much and made him feel pressured enough to get rid of me, seriously, SCREW YOU! Well, at one point I heard something like "you are nice, pretty and smart...blah blah blah.." whatever. I was like "what the f are you talking about?" First of all I seriously didn't think we had a relationship so don't you dare to say anything like that to me. And it just sounded too familiar from something I have heard couple months ago.

Therefore, that's how I stopped being convenient to him. But like he could've a better reason than that. I have to admit that I am an intense person. I will pick on little things like that to anyone. Honestly, I would've said that to any of my friends. I just think that is really stupid if he gets frustrated.

But I know I will miss him. I will be surprised if I ever see him online again. And I hate the feeling of not seeing him online. I feel like I don't want to use msn anymore.

Whatever happened in between, it doesn't matter how pissed off I am right now, or am I gonna miss him or not, mission accomplished. Look forward to your life and enjoy it as much as you can. Remember your job in life, from the prayer of St Francis. And this: The more the stress, the sooner you die.