Pistachios

Pistachio means happy nut in our language. For some reasons, I feel for pistachios today.

It's the day to see my doctor and to get my HAV vaccine. My situation has been worsen since last August. I wonder what I have done for the past six months to make this happened. It has been the same all the time except today. I guess it's good for a change? To listen something new for such a long time? I don't know. It's not like it has anything to do with my life. But that might partially explain the pimples I get for the past couple of months. It seems like it's not going away, no matter what I eat. I hate to look ugly. Boo......

Then I got my HAV vaccine. It was given by a young cute clinic nurse called Mark. I totally forgot his name but I recognized his cutie head. Um...he's bold, I guess he shaved. For some reasons, it was awfully painful this time. I don't remember it was like that 6 months ago. My deltoid muscle was completely numb after the shot. I was like "I should come tomorrow instead cos I have a vball game tonight, actually 2!!" He laughed. Later I found out that he's a lecturer for UofT Nursing. It's so surprising cos he looked so young. Or may be he just LOOKS young lol.

When I was waiting for the Doctor to call, I shopped around at the main lobby. I got some gummies and pistachios. My secretary was like "Monika you're so nice. Thanks." Me: ugh. This is actually not nice at all. The main reason of getting those is that I really didn't what to get from the shop, but I wanted to get something. In order not to get anything to spoil or fatten myself, I choose to poison the others. Man I am evil. Right, I am the most selfish person in the world. Why pistachios? Something tells me to get pistachios today.

So, treatment it is, medication again. At least it's free and useful, can't ask for more. More research has to be done for my own good. At the same time, it's time to call Charles, my favourite clinician in HK to discuss the problem. I like talking to Charles, but it's been a while since the last time we talked. See, a change is not always bad. Sometimes, it pulls people closer together. An ultrasound and a biopsy is waiting ahead of me before the medication. Not nervous anymore.

Pistachios, such a weird name for a kind of nut. Sounds like italian. But doesn't it come from China? Does pistachio mean happy in italian?

Empty promises

Reading Camie's blog today, I found myself a year ago. I was that girl who believed in promises. I was also that girl who was hurt by those empty promises. And I am probably still that girl.
And all you have to do now, most importantly, is to get to know yourself, and to love yourself. Because only those who know how to love yourself know how to love and beloved.

Promises could be hollow. No one on earth can gurantee anything. We just have to have faith in one another. Be wise on who and what you trust. I know, it's easier to say than to do. At this stage, I probably still don't have the courage to do.

She mentioned something like it would be nice if human don't need love. Then we won't have too much trouble in our heads, and we won't be upset too much.

Then I remember last March, I asked Jesus to give me his hug while I know the promise is not hollow. I still want to know how it feels to have a hug like this.

Still don't believe in promises, still don't have faith in people, still not quite know myself, may start to love myself a little. So I don't deserve to be loved for now. But hey, I am working hard!

Miss Home

My weekend was simply busy. BUSY!! And I spent most of the time travelling on the bus, going up to Richmond Hill. Well, at least my weekend is not emptied. I like being busy. Busy is good. Man, I can't believe I am still in this "busy is good cos it instantly takes away the pain you suffer" mood.

After going to Mong Sheng elderly home, playing games with the older people there, I had this funny feeling in my stomach. Some of them have physical disabilities, some of them can't talk, some of them can't listen, some of them probably can't recognize anybody, including their families. I sympathesize them. All of a sudden this sadden feeling of "not being able to be with my family" appeared. We moved here couple of years ago and I really haven't planned to move back, to live with my parents. I am probably wasting time, wasting the time that I could be with them. Time is ticking. I hate the fact that my parents are getting older as I grow up. And as I am getting more mature, I see things more thoroughly that I aware one day they will leave this world too.

Tuesday night vball is not as fun as I thought. It's probably because of the people I am hanging around with. They are older, more mature, and highly educated (a.k.a=no dummies). Men who already have families really act differently. However, I don't feel comfortable around them at all. They are so serious all the time. No smile was seen from that guy last night. May be he is upset, I don't know. He didn't talk about what happened. It's weird that he is so quiet yet scary.

Monday night volunteering was fun. After a real episode of chicago ER last week, this week is just Grey's anatomy comparatively. I was late because of work. When I walked by the cafe, I saw Flodina (I am gonna start calling her Beverly, her nickname). She was having dinner and I joined her afterwards. Somehow she told me that Bert knew. I was like WHAT? My cheek just blushed into cherry red. Notice, it's cherry red, the kind of red you get from breathing in carbon monoxide. There is NO WAY! I told her. It was Joan who told Bev but Bert wouldn't have a clue. It's not like I would care anymore cos a crush is a crush. It's empty inside and there is nothing more than that. And most importantly, there is someone else. Yes, me and bev kinda talked about it. I can't believe I actually talked about it. I have never told anybody before her. And I am so scared that others will know about it, including the guy. (Man, this paragraph looks like some daily highschool gossips)

The guy. I really do feel greedy, asking for too much. His tallness gives security; he has a child's heart which carries the innocence; he likes to help and will never feel troubled; he doesn't claim recognition from the charity, always knows his post and what he should be doing; he is so educated but never too proud; he has a sense of humour; he is very focused on work and business; his attitude towards life is really good to follow as well. See what the problem is now? I can only see the strength off him. Everything I feel about him is good, positive, nothing bad at all. However, I don't find him physically attractive, may be a little. Bev asked me why'd you like him? I said I don't know. Sometimes things just happen out of the blue. We are only human. How are we supposed to explain everything? If we can explain, we are all scientists; we are all brain surgeons.

Too familiar

Guess who i talked to on Thursday night?

I talked to a friend who just had a broken relationship. Personally, I don't know him very well. However, when I listened to him that night, I feel the bitterness inside, that he is not in control of the situation. All he can do is to deal with it, grief a little then move on. Doesn't it sound a little too familiar? I can't say that I am the only person who understands the sorrows, but it does resemble what I went through last year. It was painful, distressful and suicidal. Unfortunately, I chose to be invisible from the world rather talking to other people. Or I should say, I don't really have anyone to take me through the stage. Therefore, the grieving seems to take forever. I really wish someone would reach out a hand and pull me through last year.

The end of a relationship is not the end of the world. However, the pain inside isn't something that can be described by pieces of paper drops of ink. It's fine that no one is there to listen to me. It has been a long time, but I am through. I truly wish the same thing is not gonna happen to someone else. Therefore, I would be a listener if needed.

Sometimes for people who are wounded, they don't need advice from you, nor they don't need to take up much of your time. All they need is a little care from you. Just a tiny bit of warmth when they feel cold, just a tiny bit of care when they are alone, just a tiny lit of light when they feel dark. They lose hope, embrace them because they need to feel beloved again.