Retreat planning....not easy

Haven't been this busy for a while. My schedule is packed!!! It came to a point that I had difficulty in finding room for myself to breath. Sometime I enjoy being busy, but not in this way though. I am exhausted.

I have never thought that planning a church retreat could be this hard. It really requires team work. In a way, I am glad I belong to part of the team. However, I didn't realize my task was actually pretty difficult. Doing research isn't one of my favourites job in my entire life. Nevertheless, I am still very willing to take on this job so I can learn a little more for myself. And I found out I have learned a lot indeed. More update on Youth Retreat later on.

Sleeping at 4am every night over the weekend wasn't FUN at all!!!

Loneliness --- from Morrie

From "Tuesdays with Morrie":

For loneliness: you let go, let the tears flow, feel it completely - but eventually be able to say,'All right, that was my moment ith loneliness. I'm not afraid of feeling lonely, but now I'm going to put that loneliness aside and know that there are other emotions in the world as well, and I'm going to experience them as well'--- detach

When I read this chapter of the book, it totally reminded me with the experience I had last year. Now I know, detachment could be the solution of getting out of that emotion. I let the tears flow but I did not let go. That's why more tears flow. The more the tears flow, the more I can't let go. It happened like a loop. I was too busy being afraid. I was afraid of the pain. I was afraid of the grief. I was afraid of the vulnerability that loving entails. So if you don't let the experience completely penetrate you, you won't be able to detach.

I can see this as my stage of maturation, a.k.a getting old.

Take him and bless him

Thank you Lord

for this precious creation thirty-ish ago,

on this very special day.
May your PEACE always be with him.
May you send the Holy Spirit to be with him always.
May he serve and praise you eternally.
May you lead him, guide him, keep him and protect him.

Problem: Partially solved

Wow, that was easy. Paying a visit to Fr Dan's was a great experience. Not only I had a chance to talk to Fr Dan, I realized Andrew lived there also. Therefore, I ended up chatting with both of them. That was one of the greatest experience I had in my life with people.

Although I am a girl in this seminary residence, I feel so welcomed. They tried to get to know me by asking question, while at the same time I didn't feel like I am the centre of attention. Whenever they started talking about something I wasn't familiar with, like people or experience, they stopped the conversation and explained to me first, before they went on. It's wonderful that I was actually involved at the dinner table. I was not an outsider. I guess that something I have been trying to seeking within my group of "friends", but it seems like I fail big time.

Although I didn't address the main problem there, I guess God has already sent me a clear message to me, and made me feel really comfortable to move on.

Thank you Lord.

I am still worried about his worries.

I will still keep him in my every single prayer.

I wish him the best of luck in everything.

Other than that,

I will live my life and he probably has a tougher narrower road ahead of him. That's how I know my prayers are very important for him.

YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

Talking about moving to HK, Andrew thought God may want to make His relationship with more internal than in here. Since I have been having external relationship with him, like serving him at church, YOSAC, volunteering..etc, he may want to get closer to me in heart. Then I was thinking, God really loves me that much, that He really wants to get closer to me? In my every prayer, I tell Him I can careless about the day ahead of me, just be with me in my every single bit of life. When there's happiness, let me praise you. When there's stress or difficulties, please carry me through. And that's all I need from Him.

Wow, he really love me that much to want to have a closer relationship with me internally?

Deep trouble young lady

Two days ago I got upset stomach because of this.
Today, I start to blame myself again for having this feeling.

If you check if this person's online every five minutes,

you're in trouble.

If you want to take every single chance to talk to him,

you're in deeper trouble.

If you know you're gonna miss this person when you leave Toronto,

it does no good for you.

If this person appears in your every single prayer,

please, I beg you, try your best to get out of your own realm.

One week ago, I totally have a feeling that I am attracted to a person who I certainly think there should not be any feelings involved. The day after that, I learned about this person. After another round of small chats, missing this person too much became one of my bad habits.

Since I can't share this with anyone, I can only put this into words. I am frustrated about my relationship with this person, however, his struggle is way more difficult than what I am going through. I pray everyday to be a humble servant of Him. Acknowledging that I am not His tool will be the most brutal fact to know.

For a person whose love for God is deeper than the ocean, restricting him to take this relationship to another level is a torture.
My struggle on this issue is not important anymore.

What truely matters is his future. I wish him the best.

If he is meant to be educating God's ppl, pulling him away from what he is doing will be the biggest sin on earth. I will not forgive myself for that.
If he is meant to be God's humble servant, he will be a very effective tool of God, the descendant of the church foundation.

If he decided this is what he's gonna do, I can see he can achieve it, and he is more than competent for it.
If he is meant to be God's humble servant, I wish I could be Clare of Francis of Assisi. Make me the one who follow my teacher's footstep to serve and love God.

Let us be good companions in the love of God.

Hesitation

......Hesitation......
Still don't know if it's a good idea to keep a record of this

Remember the last time you don't have control over a situation......
Remember how much you hate it because you get nervous all the time......
Remember how bad it turned out and you wish it had never happened.......

My Lord if it's not supposed to happen, please don't let this happen.

This is like unnecessary stress.

Right...still hesitating......

Darkness slowly fades away

Thirteen months ago, I went through the darkest day of my life, had the saddest entry ever. Last week, this vulnerable girl is finally courageous enough to let it out.

Thanks to a friend who cares enough to spend such a long time to listen.
Thanks to a friend who sincerely concerns about the decision about my future.
Thanks to a friend who is willing to find out my past experience.
Thanks to a friend who tells me that I have not wasted other ppl's time.

The part of memory which has a direct signal to my tear gland is finally shared, although I still don't know if it's a good idea. It will not help with the situation. If it's revealed, it can lead to two results: ppl care, or they don't. If ppl care, they feel bitter. If it's the latter, someone turns to the most pathetic trash ever.

Let's just be happy with the fact that somebody doesn't think that it's a waste of time listening to my problems.

Good Friday

Wow, amazing. It's just Amazing! You know how it feels with you absolutely know that Jesus is with you always?

Now it's probably because it's Good Friday, we catholic choose to be with Him. On Holy Thursday night, He had the last supply with his disciples. He created the sacrement of Eucharist for us. Then he went to the garden to pray to God, the Agony in the Garden. That was the most beautiful prayer ever. Jesus is God, but in the prayer, it also showed the humanity in Him. He was spiritually weak because he knew he was going to be crucified. He prayed to God like child's cry came from his heart.

"Abba, Father, all things are possible to you; remove this cup from me. Yet not my will but yours be done" (Mark 14:36)

Jesus, the lamb for the burnt offering, has to die and rises again to save us. From this, he leads us to eternal life. He is willing to sacrifice for us. And all he asks for is to be with him when he prays, when he's weak in the garden, when he is carrying the cross to Golgotha, when he is nailed to the cross, when he shows us his mother, when he dies.

Happy are those who are Christians. We are with the Christ. We remember his wounds, his death and his resurrection. He lives in us, and we live in Him.