the end of october

I can't believe I have only contributed that little in the month of October. Obviously, there hasn't been anything special happened in my life. Our kitten, nana a.k.a meow-mi, arrived our home, became part of our family. She has really nice blue eyes. This energetic kitten brings me a lot of laughters lately. I am happy to have her.

There is an arrival of new life. There is also couple departures. Jerry and Terry, with 2 other neons passed away the other day. Jerry and Terry are the two funniest fish I kept. Unfortunately, they were also the most fragile of all. They had aches all over their bodies. I tried my best to rescue them, but failed. Ever since nomis named them in April, I am more attached to them than ever.

It was nomis' birthday on sunday. I was so tempted to call him, to say happy b-day, to see how he's doing, to tell him Terry's gone. Well, I didn't have the courage to do that and I kept tellinf myself no to do that. I can't take it if he tries to kick me out of his life a second time.

It's eric's birthday on Friday. I think I should call him since he called me on my birthday. But honestly, I don't want to. We saw each other on msn a lot, but nobody initiated conversation. It's been...don't remember how long, we haven't talked. It's sour and bitter, that I recalled the party time that we had with his friends. And now, I am totally out of the picture. I mean, I really don't want to take any step into his life anymore. I don't want to know how much fun he has, and how happy he is. I just don't think I ever wanna talk to him anymore. Walking on the street, I am always afraid I would see him with another girl. I don't know how I will react. I won't cry, but rather stab a knife into my heart to avoid that kind of bitterness.

Vocation

Has anybody listen to Jesus? Has anybody learn about their vocation through the voice of Jesus Christ?

Fearful, worried and lost would be the right word to describe the way I feel about life these two days. How much am I willing to give up if Jesus ask me to sacrifice my life. I pray so hard to be Lord's tool. But I have never expected to do nothing but helping people on a daily basis. Am I really willing? To give but never want to receive; to give my life to the patients without having a personal relationship; to take care of people but not to be taken care of. Since when Lord think i have that kind of strength to do that? "Spend your life to serve my people. It's tough. But life is short. Hang in there, 50 years will pass like a blink."

Everybody was encouraging me to be a nurse. To be a nurse, I need to give up a lot. After 4 years of school, I will have to start working 12 hour shifts. I will have no life at all. That's why I always hesitate if I should get into nursing school or not. Plus, with my situation, I really doubt that my body can handle that kind of stress, no only mentally, but also physically. Physical stress could lead to severe damage to my body. In other words, my life will be short.

To sacrifice my life...... I remember before we receive the communion, Father will say, 'Before he was taken to death, the death he fully accepted...' Then I remember the agony in the garden. "Abba, Father, all things are possible to you; remove this cup from me. Yet not my will but yours be done."

Jesus was human, and so am I. If he can do it, why can't I?

But I am scared. He is asking a girl who longs to be loved to stop wanting to belove. Instead, she gives continuously without asking for return. Wow, Lord want me to be a "wei dai" person. This is too much to give up, too hard to do, and too far to reach.

How can I survive? I mean, HOW? It will be great if I can do this. But having the desire of love to be totally vanished, HOW?

The story of "love ya"

A patient told me about this true story. It was saddening but also taught people not to take everything for granted.

One day her friend was doing some work in his room. His mom was doing something in the kitchen downstairs. A while later his mom called him from downstairs, "Hey, (his name) would you please come downstairs to help me with this?" Unfortunately this kid was occupied with his work. Getting frustrated and annoyed by his mother, he yelled back, "Shut up mom, I am busy." The mother didn't say anything back. Another while later, he heard some unusual noise from downstairs, breaking dishes. His mother collapsed and passed away.

It was terrible. This kid looked pretty tough all through the funeral and paperwork. Then he finally sat down and talked about his feelings. "The last thing i said to my mom was 'shut up mom, I am busy'. If there's one thing in my life I wish I haven't said..."

From that moment on, my patient ends every conversation with her parents or her love ones by "love ya". This way she could make sure, not only they know she loves them, but also if anything happens, it's not too late to tell them "i love you". Therefore, even after an argument before going to bed, she says "ok nite love ya".

I think it's a sweet sweet thing to do. Unfortunately, it does feel a little weird in our culture.

I love my parents, but I never tell them, probably in emails. If I tell them I love them, they would probably be freaked out and would think I am dying soon.
I love my sister, she will laugh at me and will have goosebumps.
I love my Godparents' son, aka Godbrother Justin but I bet he will be scared of me from that moment on if I tell him I love him.
I love my Godparents, but it will be weird to tell them, cos i don't do that to my parents. I will work harder on that one.
I love Asuka and Engela from vball team, but they probably think I am creepy.
I love my best friend Mikel, him I don't have a problem with. We do that, sometimes.

At least I said "Goodbye Mama" and hugged her the last time I saw her, before she passed away. I love you grandma.

Read like Mad

I can either write like mad, or read like mad, can never do both at the same time. Or I should say, I have never found the time to do both. It's been more than a week that I haven't input anything in here. The reason is that, I have been reading the Memoir of Geisha. Finishing a book in 6 days is a first for me. For those who haven't had a chance to read this book, I beg you, READ IT.

Life hasn't been treating me bad, but it certainly isn't easy. Working 10 hours a day is not as fun as I thought, although interacting with different patients is one of the most enjoyable part of my job. When the patient is sleeping, I just simply take out the novel and start reading it. After this Memoir of Geisha, I am reading the Goblets of Fire, the Harry Potter series.

I am going to have a cat by next wednesday, a black kitten. I am a little excited for it, for I have never kept a mammalian pet in my entire life. I don't know how it's gonna be. Is it gonna be a mess? Or is it gonna to feel more life?

Poor Sundin, just the third shift after the NHL lockout, broke his orbital bone. I saw him in the newspaper today. His left eye was so swollen. He must be going through a lot of pain. I beg you, please wear a visor.