Stopped being convenient

Although I am very disappointed about what happened with nomis, I definitely think this is the best ending I could ever get. I understand that I couldn't get rid of him by myself. And it nicely worked out as I was not taking the initiative to stop the "i don't know what it is" relationship. However, it's the crappy reason that pisses me off the most.

I wasn't planning to do this at all on saturday night. I was getting ready to go over to his place. I didn't know why I told him I didn't want to go at the last minute, after I was all prepared to leave my house. Then somehow the "emotional conversation" started by me asking the question why he didn't say goodbye before hanging up the phone. I forgot how he started saying that he wasn't looking for something serious in his life. Then I started to clarify myself that I wasn't either and that "goodbye" question was the only thing I was looking for. If this "goodbye" question annoyed him that much and made him feel pressured enough to get rid of me, seriously, SCREW YOU! Well, at one point I heard something like "you are nice, pretty and smart...blah blah blah.." whatever. I was like "what the f are you talking about?" First of all I seriously didn't think we had a relationship so don't you dare to say anything like that to me. And it just sounded too familiar from something I have heard couple months ago.

Therefore, that's how I stopped being convenient to him. But like he could've a better reason than that. I have to admit that I am an intense person. I will pick on little things like that to anyone. Honestly, I would've said that to any of my friends. I just think that is really stupid if he gets frustrated.

But I know I will miss him. I will be surprised if I ever see him online again. And I hate the feeling of not seeing him online. I feel like I don't want to use msn anymore.

Whatever happened in between, it doesn't matter how pissed off I am right now, or am I gonna miss him or not, mission accomplished. Look forward to your life and enjoy it as much as you can. Remember your job in life, from the prayer of St Francis. And this: The more the stress, the sooner you die.

Stop being convenient

I was talking to Asuka on the night before I left Toronto. We drew to conclusion that I should stop being convenient to nomis. We started to talk about that because I was mad when I talked to him on the phone after practice. I had a feeling that he didn't want to talk to me. You can't under estimate a girl's instinct. I guess that's what going to happen. He is going to get rid of me sooner or later. I should be prepared.

I just don't think I am the kind of person who can be involved in "i don't know what it is" relationship. I am a pisces hehe.. a horoscope that can never stop loving. So if I am attracted to someone, I will only like him more and more, while the other person may not have the same behaviour. Therefore, in the end, I will be left alone cos the other party can definitely get out of this "i don't know what it is" thing. I think that's exactly what's happening with me and nomis. I started to get mad at him when I had a feeling that he wasn't very happy to talk to me. Right at the moment, I know I am screwed. I started to expect something from him. I started to have a problem if I don't have his attention. That's why I had to talk to Asuka. And I should definitely get out of it before it's too late. And I was so sure that I wasn't going to call him after the retreat.

However, while amo and I were walking last night, she emphasized that he is not an asian. I shouldn't expect him to act like an asian then. Because of the cultural difference, sometimes I have to take the initiative. She encouraged me to call him. So I called him last night but nobody answered, which I personally think this is another evidence of being got rid of.

After the phone call, and after disappearing online for a couple of days, I saw him online at like 1am. We started talking to each other again online just now. I think it's the holy spirit who is helping me to get rid of this person. I feel more and more uncomfortable chatting with him. First of all, I don't know what the heck he is thinking. If he wants to get rid of me, why does he even bother to say hi to me. Second of all, he still sounds really cold. It's like question and answer session. And people who knows me well know that monika doesn't take initiative and she doesn't talk much. Lastly, I think I am seriously done with him. I really should take control before it's too late. And damn, I should stop looking for excuses for him. I know he is very busy, but I should feel more comfortable than that cos I don't have a problem with workaholics.

Anyways, just don't initiate conversations anymore. Pray the Rosary whenever you want to yell at him.

YOSAC retreat 2005

This is my first retreat with a youth group, people of my age. I was nervous at the beginning. But it turned out well after all. When they talked about my role at church, this is the motivation for me to serve Jesus' cornerstone. I decided to join the youth group. And also, for some reasons, I really like St Francis of Assisi. The only reason I could thought of is that St Clare was his follower. Anyway, I should elaborate it more later.

We visited a lot of Basilica and shrines during the trip. They are really really pretty. I felt sacred and peaceful in there. I saw St Francis of Assisi in some of them. Then I thought the prayer of St Francis,

Lord, make me the instrument of they peace.
Where there is hate, may I bring love;
Where offense, may I bring pardon;
May I bring union in place of discord;
Truth, replacing error;
Faith, where once there was doubt;
Hope, for despair;
Light, where there was darkness;
Joy, to replace sadness
Make me not to so crave to be loved as to love;
Help me to learn that in giving I may receive;
In forgetting self, I may find life eternal.

I understand why I like him through the prayer. This is exactly what I want to do for my entire life. I learned that in giving, I may receive. I could only satisfy myself, being truly happy this way. Bringing love, joy, peace, truth, faith and hope to the world would be the goals of my life. Although I don't even have the ability to keep myself faithful and hopeful at all times, I will work towards it.

What a shitty day

As soon as I think I am going to enjoy my great summer, something always come up and tell me that life is never gonna to be perfect. This is such a weird day today. I don't know what to say. Well, I am losing my job I think.

I received a phone call from Ross today. He told me that the clinic is going to be closed down at least for the following couple of days. He was very sorry. I kinda don't understand him sometimes. I think he has other job interviews and stuff. Like I don't feel like he has a sense of belonging to the clinic. Anyway, I was still sleeping when he called. I decided to go back to the clinic to see what happened and if there was anything I could help out. When I first heard the shocking news, I was more worried about Matt than myself. I was worried about if Matt was handling it fine. Matt said there was actually some problem with the landlord and the partner. We are either going to move to a new location or stay at where we are. Matt was very optimistic. He emphasized that he was a person who would never give up.

After helping them to box up the patients' charts and desk drawer items, we left. I didn't know what to do cos I was like everyone, shocked and stunned. I gave Matt a hug before I left. I was afraid that I was never gonna see him again. I just wanted him to know he has my support. He is such a hardworking person. He certainly doesn't deserve something like that. I sympathized him. I know how it feels when you work so hard and there is no sign of reward at all. Trust me, I know. I didn't know what else to say except letting him know that I am available anytime when he needs me.

Gross Anatomy Museum

It's the first day of class for summer session. This is also the first time I feel so relaxed in class. I am so excited about the materials I am going to learn. Besides the time the prof talked about the course outline, I didn't get bored at all. After class, we went for a respective tutorial session. My TA's name is Neil. This is exactly my honey gourami's name, named by nomis. He took us the the Gross Anatomy Museum at the basement of MSB. I didn't expect anything at the beginning. Then I went into the room, I was like, you called that a museum??? The room is so small. You know museum is supposed to be huge with lots of specimens.

Then I walked to the first aisle. "Wow" was the last word I said as I recalled. I don't remember me closing my mouth, or blinking my eyes at all. The first thing I saw was the network of blood vessels in liver, coloured in latex. Liver is made up of networks of blood vessels, hepatic artery, hepatic vein and most imiportantly the hepatic portal vein. And there are small arteries and veins branched off from the hepatic vessels. The specimen was neatly displayed. The main vessels as well as some of the small branches were completely isolated from the tissue. It was just amazing. When I turned around, there were different parts of the brain, white and pale. They were nicely preserved. After that I went through most of the bones, muscles and internal organs. When I walked to a specimen for the upper body, I held my breathe. I felt very very excited inside but at the same time, I felt really sorry for those people who sacrificed their body to science. I had that feeling because I saw half of the face of the upper body specimen.

Overall, this was absolutely a, wow, astonishing experience for me. I have dissected fish, shark, bull's eye, pig heart, mouse and cat. I have never seen a human specimen before. I totally repect those specimens, cherish them and learn from them so to make worthy of their sacrifice.

Graduation

I am finally graduating!! I passed the stupid genetics course. I am finally over with university, sooo happy. People just don't understand how uoft destroyed me. I sent an email to Eric, thanking him for being with me in my most difficult time. I have to admit that I wouldn't be able to go through it without him. I didn't expect him to be at my graduation. I just wanted him to know he was one of the people who supported me when I faced challenges.

I was just talking to JP about nomis. I wasn't going to talk about it, but he asked me to tell him something about this young man. On top of that, I wish I could figure out what the heck I am doing right now. Today, JP was actually talking about having a relationship, something that's too early to talk about at this stage. I wasn't thinking of having a relationship with him. I don't know where this is going, and don't know if I hope this is going anywhere. I didn't tell him that I wasn't that involved, but I have to agree that I will never know what's going happen if I don't explore. Since we came from different background, there are lots of room to find out about each other. JP said he is more of a nurturing person than I do, since he keeps a cat while I keep a fish tank. He could be responsible, would like to have something to take care of. Honestly, I don't know him that well. I really don't know what he could be.

Too bad Colin didn't come today. Otherwise, he could tell me what the heck young guys think. So, are we dating? or are we just seeing each other? exclusively? or are we allow to see other people? Since we are not serious, where are the boundaries? I feel stupid if I actually ask him this question. So I believe this is completely my choice. As I have mentioned before, I don't feel like I am emotionally involved. I am just going to live like I am single. I am not going to rely on him. How am I going to rely on him anyway? I have to think about if the other person wants to take up the shit from me. And I don't know why, I really don't believe that he likes me. It's not "I can't believe", it's "I don't believe". See, a relationship takes too much work, and I don't think I am willing to work on it right now.

Today was great. I love it when the patients like me. Dr Martin said that I could be a good nurse. He said I am good with patients and take good care of them. Diane said I am amazing because I am hard working I guess. Couple months ago I had never agreed with people's complement on me. People said I am pretty, I've never believed it, cos I didn't feel the same. People said I am good at this...good at that... I've never believed it. However, for some reasons, I finally agree that I am good with patients, sometimes, not all of them though.

I smiled a lot lately. It's probably because I don't have school anymore, and I am graduating. My goal is to bring Love, Joy and Peace to the people around me. I think I am working towards the Joy part. For myself, I have to be patient, kind, generous, faithful, gentle and self-controlled. omg....I am so a person without self-control. Just keep track of how much chocolate I eat.

Emotionally detached

After broken up with Eric for couple of months, I learnt not to count on people's words. When they said they are going to do something, or to call, they won't indeed. Therefore, when nomis messaged me and said he was going to call me. I couldn't believe him. I wouldn't expect he's gonna call. Surprisingly, he called instead. He was asking me out for the weekend. I gave him a call saturday afternoon, planning to meet up at night.

I went to Engerla's kegger party on friday. I had so much fun as I haven't got that drunk in such a long time. I got to a point that I asked God for help. I said "I am sorry God, I won't drink that much next time, help me not to puke." I didn't know I was that drunk until I felt my head spinning when I closed my eyes. Tommy took me to Hugh's room and sleep. I thought Tommy hugged me to sleep, don't remember, but so nice. He's always nice. I woke up with a hangover in the morning. I went to work with this hangover. Now I completely trust the power of make up. I looked like crap I swear. Then I put the make up on in the clinic. Make up changed me into a girl who had a good sleep the night before. So amazing. I met the patient roy again. I told him about the phone call from nomis the night before. He said, "See, you gotta help him a little." He said I was the one who was pushing the other day. Well, I was just a little frustrated when he didn't do anything.

Saturday night, I went to his place to watch TV. We were actually watching the NBA playoffs, Heat vs Wizards. That was a tight game man. It was so excited for the last two minutes. Anyways, I was a little nervous when I first saw him last night. I didn't know what to say and he probably didn't know as well, besides how's it going. He always said that I used him for TV, and he used me for massage. I can't believe it, his back is still really bad. I really wish my massage can relieve his pain for a little. So, I asked him about us because I didn't think I can go on without knowing anything. I actually didn't remember how the heck I squeezed out the question, but he said he wasn't looking for something serious at this point of his life. I was surprised that he was that honest with me. He likes me, and would like to spend time with me, and enjoys my accompany. He thinks I am a nice girl. When I asked him how we came to this point, since he didn't really know me. Amazingly, he told me everything he knew about me. I found it fascinating because I didn't know he actually remembers things about me. Then we kinda of talked about the different environments we grew up, I was sheltered while he was pissed off most of the time. That was funny. Now I understand that he is a very matured person due to the way he was brought up. Hopefully he won't think I am an idiot all the time. After last night, I knew him more and I felt more relaxed talking to him than before.

Honestly, right at the moment he said he wasn't looking for anything serious, I immediately thought of what I was doing with him. I totally know that this is not going anywhere. Then I asked myself, do you really want this to go somewhere? Since I couldn't give myself a clear answer, I should stop questioning where this is going. I don't feel like I am emotionally involved with him. I am just having a good time with him. See this is completely different from the previous relationships. I didn't expect anything from him. I am not angry at all even if he doesn't call. I may miss him a little the minute after I say goodbye to him. But I don't feel disappointed because I have to leave him for the day. I have never understood how people can go out with their partners while they don't have any feelings at all. Now, I kinda get it, but for sure I have feelings for him. It's just my brain is not there.

Isn't that great? When both of us don't expect anything from each other? Man, I need to learn to be independent before I get involved in a relationship again.

May be he is not interested in me

We had a nice talk last night. Actually I didn't think it was that nice because it seems like both of us avoid to talk about us. The connection, relationship between is what I want to know. But I didn't have the courage to ask him anything. And obviously he didn't say anything. However, this is almost the first time he started the conversation. I was surprised. I thought he wasn't going to talk to me anymore for his entire life.

I was just talking to roy today. I told him everything because he saw my depressing look on saturday, after what happened with nomis. I told him that we weren't even talking on the phone, just on msn. And we didn't talk about us. He didn't ask me out or anything. Roy told me to ask him out. But people who know me well will know that Monika will not do something like that. I wouldn't have the courage to ask him what's going on between us, and asking the guy out. That's just not me no matter how nice it will work. Since he is not asking me out, Roy said he may not be interested in me. And if a guy likes a girl, he will keep asking the girl out for coffee, tea, movie, or whatever you know. But he is not doing any of this. I have gotta forget about this guy.

[sigh] What happen if he wants another gathering at his place? You know the more I think of it, I miss him more, and like him more. What am I gonna do? I will just go to his place again. Okay, let's make a deal. I will go to his place and do whatever I have to do, then leave unless he says something. See I am not trying to push him to say anything. I just don't want to start something which is not going anywhere, or which doesn't mean anything to him while it means a whole lot for me.

I went to see the "Alan Tam and Hacken Lee concert" tonight. It was great. When I looked at the way Hacken Lee sang, it was so touching. The melody slightly touched my heart. It looked like he was very into the song, into the mood of the song, that's why it's so touching. I was thinking, may be I should start to sing like this. Cos I think I have never tried to mean the lyrics that I sing. Okay, from now on, let me close my eyes and think of the lyrics before I sing. It would be much better.

I realize how stupid I am

I have talked to three different people about nomis, two guys and a girl. Asuka thinks he would like to talk to me again. She thinks he should be a responsible person. Colin and verick think he's a dickhead. Colin said he may want to talk to me. If he does not, Colin will be angry. You know, the more I talked about it with other people, the more stupid I felt. I mean, I don't even want to think about it anymore. If he calls, I will see what he has to say. If he doesn't, again, I am not going to bother. Colin knew that I kinda like him when I talked about nomis with him. But now, everything's ruined I guess.

I was talking to Colin about him for almost the whole volunteering session. We helped quite a bit of people though. I was really irritated about the stupid security guard. He is so rude to the patients. He questioned everyone who walked by. When a visitor wanted to go up to the nursing station to visit a relative, he said he was going to call upstairs to double check. When a patient took his time to walk, he went up to him and told him where to go. I mean, give them a break. Can't you just give the patients some time to WALK?? A patient with walking difficulty walked in, me and Colin asked him if he wanted a wheelchair. The stupid security came up to them and told him that there was wheelchair outside and they could use a loonie to exchange for that. I was so mad. They didn't intend to get a wheelchair, it was me and Colin who wanted to OFFER them a wheelchair. Who was he to tell him to get their own wheelchair?? He was so rude to everyone. I didn't talk him at all. What is his problem? Take it easy man. They are patients. They need to stay in the waiting room and suffer from pain for almost 8 hours in average. You try to help them as much as you can, instead of yelling at them. Although some of the psych patients can cause trouble, not all of them are psych patients. Do you think the hospital is a fun place to visit? People don't want to come to the hospital if they don't have to. Lets be nice to them and help them to get through the difficult times in the hospital.

I don't think I am going to Vancouver anymore. I checked the price of the ticket on friday. It was CND526. I was trying to book the ticket today. It went up to CND733. Are you kidding me? It went up by 200 bucks. I just don't think I can afford it. Therefore, I decided to go to QC instead. I haven't been to Quebec City for a while. It's time to revisit lol. And it only costs CND165.

I have stories for Colin every week. No matter what the story is, it ends up okay and I am able to survive. I am sure it's no difference this time.

what am I supposed to feel?

It happened, so what am i supposed to feel?

I talked to asuka last night about what's happening. There wasn't any comment added.

Since my mind is still a little messed up right now, I can't put everything into sentences. I am going to organize everything in the most comfortable way, scientific form

• I am still wondering what his intentions are.
• Does he like me? Or just playing?
• If he's playing, I lose a friend.
• If he's not, am I really want to go out with him?
• Since I didn't say anything, will he think that I am playing?
• He hasn't called since, he is gonna call me?
• If he's playing, I will never see him online again.
• If he's not playing, I wish I will go serious with him.
• If he's playing, do I still want to talk to him.
• verick said that he would be surprised if he has feelings for me
• what am i supposed to feel?

Honestly, sometimes when I look at myself, which part of me could make people to have feelings for me? If I were a guy, I wouldn't fall in love with me. Why would he like me? Just try to use the functional part of your pighead.

I am so freaking screwed up. I am so confused. I don't even know what I want. If he doesn't call at all, I will just assume he is playing and I will not bother him in my entire life again. (shit, I am freaking drowning. Why do I have tears when I think that I am not going to see him again.)

I wrote a letter to the Holy Mother. I really wish the Holy Mother will send her blessings to him. I asked her to take care him emotionally, his new business and his back pain.

Damn, the more I think about it, the more I miss him...... i am never gonna see him online again.

Drained with green apple green tea

I promised nomis to give him back rub because of my stupidity and his back pain. So I was going to visit his place at around 10-ish.

My sis called me at around 10pm and asked me out for dinner. Of course I am going with her cause I was so hungry. Then nomis called 5 mins later. I would have to call him back after I am done eating. (omg, i am really having a problem in putting these into words.) During the day, I thought he wasn't going to call, cause..i don't know...just don't think he's going to call. But he actually called me at 8-ish.

Okay, by the time I was done with dinner, it was already 11:45pm. I gave him a call. He told I can come if I still want to. Of course I wanna, cos it's him and also I owed him a back rub. So I went. We talked a little before the rub. We talked about the reason why I made him feel like a zoo animal. I was glad that he wasn't mad at me anymore. Then we went into his room, while giving him a back rub, I told him about my problem with my parents lately. The conversation went smoothly. After the massage, we were still talking but he looked a little tired. Then I said I was going to go. But he offered me to stay. This is the first mistake. I didn't know what I was thinking. I told Sandra I just wanted to befriend him. And I didn't notice that, a friend cannot stay over at another friend's place.

He approached and hugged, thanking me for coming over for the massage. He started kissing me. I didn't expect things went that fast. He said I am hot and sexy. Obviously, I am just sexually appealing to him. I asked him if he always does that to other gal friends. He told me he doesn't usually have a girl in his bed, but it's you that I like.

I was trying to take it easy. I didn't know what's going on. I like him, otherwise, I wouldn't want to stay over. In the morning, I was leaving. I thought I was just going to go, and said goodbye to him. Surprisingly, he approached me hugged me tight and kissed me again. I didn't say a single word, except see you later.

See how screwed up I am?

It's almost gone

As soon as I am done with my exams, I went shopping with Sandra. We went to Eaton Centre and Queen Street. That was actually the first time I went shopping on Queen street. I was so exhausted yet exciting. Although I couldn't choose anything that I really really want with a reasonable price, I will definitely go again. See I have a problem in purchasing when I am going to somebody. To me, shopping means going alone and buy something for myself or someone else. Go shopping with friends or sister, means I want to hang out with them.

So, the first night of relief went okay I guess. I did all the laundries, sheets, clothes and jeans. I used THREE washing machines and TWO dryers to do all the laundries. CRAZY! Anyway, something really bad happened in between. While I was talking to Sandra today about nomis, she said that he might be interested in me. May be I should just befriend him and see what happens, instead of completely getting rid of him. Therefore, I started talking to him again on msn. I don't know if he is a quiet person or not, I just wanted to initiate conversation with him. So I asked him a lot of questions, some personal ones as well. I think he felt offended since he didn't want to talk about it just to satisfy my curiosity. I felt so so bad. I think I made him really upset about have to deal with the memories with me.

I begged him to listen to the reason of asking. I told him about Eric's family problems. I was just trying to understand what the kids are actually thinking at that stage. I have never been through that kind of problem. I don't know what I am supposed to think at that age. When I was 16, I just hoped to win the interschool vball tournament with my team. When I was 16, I was worried about additional math, was worried about the public exam, was worried about not able to promote to A Level.

See, I was brought up in a completely closed environment. I have to admit that Clarians rarely connect with the outside world, the complicated one. Now I want to know how is it supposed to be. Actually, I don't really want to know, but I think I don't have a choice. Most people around me have the same problem.

He said I made him feel like a zoo animal sometimes. Sometimes, not only once. Cause I remember he once said, "You have been asking me all these questions, how 'bout you?" Right, I have been asking him so many questions without me talking about myself. I tried not to talk about myself too much lately. I have this problem in talking too much about myself to the patients. Sometimes, I don't know if the other person would really like to get to know me. I don't know if the other person would be annoyed by me, talking about my problems or myself. Especially when I am a health care provider, I should be focusing more on the patient, not myself.

I am not sure if nomis really want to get to know me, that's why I have been asking him questions, instead of me talking about myself. I wish I could tell him that. I am really sorry, and I wish he understands.

Green Apple Green Tea is still here

My life has been pretty plain lately, since I am studying for my last exam. It's so not fair. Justin came back from vacation already and I am still suffering, waiting to write my last exam. I am soooooo mad. Stupid uoft. For these couple of days, I woke up at around noon, had brunch, studied, coffee, went online, studied, dinner, studied in the library till midnight, shower, studied till around 4am, slept. One more day of torture then I will be done.

I hate the fact that I dream a lot. I had a weird dream last night. It was about me going out with and old dude, european. I have never met him before in reality. Weird. Other than that, I have been day dreaming alot. I have been thinking about what I am going to do after exams. I created another list on top of the one I made before. I wasted so much time in day dreaming. Sooner or later I am going to ask my doctor if it's a mental problem, and if there's any treatment to that.

I broke my glasses the day before exam. The stupid screw was disappeared, so I had to wear my contacts for my first 2 hours of study. I am definitely going to change my glasses after exam.

The main reason why I am writing this entry is, I think this green apple green tea smell is not leaving. It's been almost 10 days and it's still hanging in my nose. It's so annoying!! Before I was afraid that it's going to go away, and now it just stuck there. See, I am not going to talk until the smell or feeling of green apple green tea is completely gone. It's bugging me so much. I will hang in there.

Day dreaming items:
Things to do after exam
I took Nomis' cat Ziggy for a walk. Unfortunately, we had a car accident. Both me and Ziggy's arms were broken. We ended up in the hospital. I called Nomis that we an accident ad Ziggy broke her arm. I apologized to him cos I couldn't take ziggy to the vet.
I was thinking, will he ask how I am doing since I am in the hospital? Or will he just say he is coming to the hospital to pick Ziggy up?

This sounds like the question, "If both me and your mom were drown, who would you save?"
I remembered the Japanese BBQ cook gave the most romantic answer on earth. He said, "I would save my mother, then I will come back and die with you." Then he joked, "Because Romeo must die!!"

One more exam to go

I wrote the eco exam tonight. It went okay. I actually enjoyed studying. I don't remember the last time I actually understand everything in the notes. One more to go.

I got help from Him to get rid of this gagt smell. It helped. Although I was still drinking it, I certainly thought of it less and less. For some reasons, I understood how bad this combination could be, and how much it would bug me. I gradually got rid of it. I will miss this feeling but time heals. I saw it, but I quitted talking. I chose to disappear for a while, so I can get used to how it was like before. However, I can't stop concerning this gagt because I am not interested in it anymore. Therefore, I am going to show up again after exams. I know that there are so many great things awaiting in the summer. I should stay focus and enjoy the summer later on. Right, that's what I am going to do.

I was talking to Thomas last night. It was pretty weird that he said I was more positive than before. That means he thought that I was positive before. He envied my life. He said my life was so good. I was surprised with his comment on me and my life. I had never satisfied with my life. It was too stressful for sure that was more than I could handle. Obviously he could only see the good side of it. I wasn't positive at all in highschool. I was so upset all the time because of the issues with the people there. I just couldn't understand why people thought of me that way. Or is it my smile fooled them all? My life has been a bumpy ride, with lots of tears.

I was studying at the library today. When I looked out the window, it was raining. When the rain dropped on the grass, there was some white particles jumping around. I was like, what kind of creature was that? One of them jumped to the pavement which was a level higher. I looked at it, it disappeared. It was around 4pm. I went to Timothy to get a Latte. I finally knew what that was. FREEZING RAIN ON May 2nd?? What is wrong with the weather here?

Day dreaming item:
What and who am I going to write if I am about to have a plane crash? what will I place in the black box? It was pretty scary. I had too many things to write, too many messages to send to different people. Then what happened after those people received the message? What happened if I actually didn't die?
I was recovered but I had a blood clog near the optic nerve. I turned blind unless the blood clog went away. How am I going to recognize my family and friends? I imagine gagt came to visit. But I couldn't see. I could see how he moved his face towards my hands and let me feel him. I also recognized his voice. I felt his body marks with my finger tips. I cried.

Ciao Green Apple Green Tea

Having another Green Apple Green tea

While walking home tonight, I heard His voice, yelling at me. And guess what I am doing right now. I am holding a green apple green tea, drinking it, and thinking of it. He have been sending me so many messages. Since I have been good lately, I received them all. However, I really refused to listen. Otherwise I won't be holding a green apple green tea right now.

He said,

'This green apple green tea doesn't have a cap but it belongs to the "G_d" group. You know I wouldn't send this to you if it's not the same as you. You know I wouldn't send this to you if it distracts you from your exam girl. And you frickin' thought of this gagt too much even when you are talking to me. You know what I am saying sweetie. I don't want to yell at you a second time.'

Fine fine fine, I will try. I am going to... just drink it, enjoy the smell and taste of it. Let's not get emotional. You've gotta help me on this, I can't do this alone.

Okay next time, I am going to get green apple green tea with green apple jelly. But I will only feel it, look at it, and drink it, no talking.