The day dreaming princess

People said Pisces day dreams a lot. I have never believed that. However, for these couple of days, I noticed that I have been doing that for all my life.

Day dreaming item:
I was kidnapped by a criminal. How am I going to talk to him, and try to analyze what he is thinking, and eventually set myself free? Cos I think he doesn't want to do that in the first place. There may be something I could do to untangle the knot in his heart, and emotionally support him.
Then I think of who is going to save me.

How ridiculous!

I still have this feeling of green apple green tea. I went to have some of gagt after having dinner with congee and thomas on thursday night. They are really great friends. I still remember what I experienced in my last year of high school. Congee is a friend who "send me the fuel in the cold winter snow". He wasn't part of the gang. And I appreciated his support all through these years. Although we don't see each other much, he is one of my best friends. I truly trust him.

So, green apple green tea. I think I am addicted to it now. I am afraid of lossing the smell, so I am drinking alot to restore the smell. But I am also afraid that I will get too addicted. I may not be able to get out of it. This gagt is very busy this week. I tried not to bug too much. But thank you for coming hehe. What am I writing....

The stupid tiger barb killed my rummynose and baby guppy. When I first looked at it, it looked like barb, which might attack. But I really want to take care of it for my uncle Roger. So, I hope it's not barb. Now that it attacked my fishes I know how stupid I am. How can I hope it's not barb when it looks exactly like barb?? Therefore, I performed my favourite punishment for him: isolation.

I was thinking of starting this african aquarium. It basically means I have to get rid of everything in my tank and starts from scratch again. I have to switch my tropical fishes to labs, red zebra..things like that.

Things to do for the switch:
Sell the guppies, rummynose, possibly the gourami, Neil
Get new african fishes like labs and cichlids
Get rid of most of my plants
Switch the gravels to crush coral
Get more rocks
That's about it.

So what am I going to do with my old plants? I think I am going to use the 10 gallon tank to grow my plants, with some tropical fishes may be.

Green apple Green tea.... hmm...yummm...

The smell of Green Apple Green Tea

It's time to talk about the delighted things happened in my life. It feels odd to talk about it because that doesn't happen very often.

I think I am done with the grief of the broken relationship I had with Eric. I saw him during the weekend. We talked like mutual friends. We played pingpong and watched half of the NBA playoffs game together. His family problem hasn't been resolved. It could take years, who knows. My prayers will be with them and hopefully they can pull through. I will still emotionally support Eric, but seriously, there is nothing I can do besides praying for them.

The grief ended. It's probably because there are some other things happened in my life which I think it's more important. School, work, career, health, vball, guys hehe. There are huge decisions to make for the first three things which I really refuse to think about it lately. Health, something big is coming up in these couple of months. I will have to take care of it later. Vball, I had a lot of fun last week. I am going to stay in Toronto for the summer and play vball like mad. This will be the first time I play competitive beach in here, so excited. Guys, hmm.. there aren't any guys around yet, but I can smell this taste of green apple green tea since saturday, the day that guy came to my place to fix my computer. I am feeling very comfortable around him. However, the ending of the heartache does not imply a complete abolishment of scars. I don't think starting a new relationship is a right thing to do, but I really enjoy this green apple green tea smell inside my nose. He is fun to talk to. I am glad to hear concerns from him sometimes. I look forward to building up this friendship with him. I wish him well. Ohohoh, he named my fishes:

Bob-red tailed shark
Neil-honey red gourami
Jerry and Terry -the clown loaches
Whitey and Marley -the corycats

I told him I am going to cry if one of the named fishes dies and it's all his fault.

I love this smell of green apple green tea.

Jesus loves me

With all the bad things happened during the week, I knew Lord was with me.

When I felt depressed, there was a beam of sunlight coming out from the clouds.
When I felt downhearted, he sent his messenger, Pat, to me and told me that he loves me and I am not alone.
When I felt vanished, he sent me the guardian angel, I assumed it's Colin, to comfort me and to cheer me up.
When I felt distressed, he granted me peace by having me to say the Rosary.
When I felt apathetic, he sent me Nomis to spice up my life.

Don't I just love the way Jesus shows me his wonderous love? I am pleased. And I felt honoured to receive the calling, to be his sheep, to be taken care of.

A Complete Waste of Time

I can't believe it. I spent so much time in understand something that I really hate. And I spent so much time in doing the past exams. I did crap on the stupid genetics exam. It was crap, seriously. It was a WASTE of TIME! My neck and back are hurting so bad because of massive study. I didn't have enough sleep, studying like there is no tomorrow! I practised with the past exams, and I was fine with them. The actual exam is sooooo hard. I can't believe it. I won't be able to graduate because of this stupid genetics course. I won't be able to get accepted to nursing school because of this stupid genetics course. I won't be able to enjoy this great summer because I will have to retake this stupid course in the summer!!! I am sooooooooo mad right now!!!

I need to go out, drinking! Get drunk! Scream! Yell at people I don't know!!

Colorgenics

You want to be regarded as an exiting and interesting personality able to persuade others to comply with your beliefs and ideas. You are charming and able to influence other people who come into your sphere of influence. You like mental stimulation and you are the sort of person who is prepared to 'try anything once'. Your confidence is so much so that others are often swept away by your enthusiasm.

Most people are conditioned by their environment and you are no exception. You are an extremely emotional person - so much so that 'the wrong word' can lead you to tears. You feel other people's pain. You feel the need of sympathetic relationships and a pleasant work environment in order to develop and grow. You are an impulsive, loving individual with a great deal of inherent feeling.

You feel truly deprived - not getting your fair share, but you have accepted the fact that that is the way things are at this time and that it is prudent to let matters slide and not hit your head against the wall -so conform and agree for a while. Accept the situation - nothing can last forever.

You are an emotional, sincere and impressionable individual experiencing frustration and unnecessary stress. You vehemently resist any form of pressure from outside sources, insisting on your independence as an individual. You want to be a decision maker - to make up your own mind without interference. You wish to be able to draw your own conclusions and arrive at your own decisions. You detest uniformity and mediocrity as you want to be regarded as one who gives authoritative opinions. Your favourite expression could well be that 'I may not always be right but I am never wrong'. You're a perfectionist and even though you may feel that the other person's point of view may be right, you find it extremely difficult to admit that you could be wrong.

You are greatly impressed by individuality and have interest in people who have outstanding qualities. You try to imitate those people that you admire and their characteristics, hoping that you will be able to display similar qualities in your own personality

3 days from my first exam

I am really tired today, so I am just going to drop a few lines

It's a great day today, after talking to Nomis online. For some reasons, I feel really happy when he jokes and laughs around with me. I just hope that he feels as happy as I am. Obviously he doesn't know me that well, since he thinks I am young and naive. It's great to hear, cos I am young and naive to him lol.

ER wasn't that busy today. However, something special happened. A lady with migraine came in today. All of a sudden she started crying. I got some napkins for her and she started talking to me. I felt sorry for her because she suffered from a lot of pain. However, I was also self satisfied because I convinced her to stay. I sat with her, waited with her, listened to her, then she stopped crying. She finally stayed and got to see the doctor before I left. I am sure she is going to be fine. But I think this is exactly what I am seeking through the whole volunteering experience. Waiting for long hours in the waiting room isn't fun at all, especially when you're in pain. Yay! I helped!

Alrighty, I am going to meet with the TA tomorrow to discuss about the genetics exam. I hate genetics! Hopefully I won't get yelled at tomorrow because I still don't have a clue in genomics and gene therapy.

Take control girl

I swear it's a mistake.

In order to get rid of someone in your mind, just freaking stop talking to this person, completely erase this person from your life.

Take control girl, you don't want to fall in another trap right now. You know how bad it hurts, how much time you waste, how much tears you drop and how painful it could be.

Trust me, don't go.

Stay focus and don't look at the illusions created. Don't be a fool, you know how to protect yourself.

msn is a mistake.
phone call is a mistake.
even a business card is a mistake.

Stop it before you come to a stage that you cannot be rescued.

One word,

"NO!!!!!!!!!"

Nice Saturday morning

I haven't seen saturday morning in a while. Since I was so exhausted from work yesterday, I decided to go to bed earlier last night. When I woke up, it was already 8:30am. I took a shower, and lied on the bed, staring at my fishes. I was day dreaming for AN HOUR. Seriously, lying there and day dreaming, ONE HOUR, the whole freaking HOUR. I was thinking about what happened if my sister couldn't get into university this year. She will have to move back to Hong Kong, and I will be left alone. I will have to find a place to move and a roomie. Where am I going to live? Who am I going to live with? Those are the things I was thinking about. Then I thought about Nomis, since he didn't come yesterday. I was glad to hear that things are working well for him, and he is less stressful. And because I don't know him that well, I have lots of rooms to think about his personality. He could be like this, and like that, or something I couldn't imagine. hehe funny to think about.

When I think it was time to stop thinking about nonsense and got my ass to work, I went online and guess who I saw online. One special thing happened though. My screen name said "the worst mistake ever" and then an angry smiley. I was still really really upset about what happened wednesday night with my computer. And surprisingly, he asked me what happened. This one sentence of concern made me feel that...hm...he is not only a patient of mine, but also a friend who cares, although I certainly have a bigger sense of responsibility to care about him. I didn't tell him what happened cos I felt stupid. But that one tiny bit of concern is much more than fixing the computer.

Day dream contents:
what happened when sister goes to HK and I am left alone?
personality of nomis
hmb exam
stupid computer
should you choose a guy who can take care of you, or a guy who NEEDs you to take care of? it may just depend on me.
It means do you want to be one of the "things" a guy needs to take care of, or do you want to be a girl who means the whole world to a guy?

Disappointment

I thought I was going to see Nomis tonight. However, he called again and rescheduled. Damn, I am not working at all next week because of my exam. I am not going to see him again unless Tigers really have a poker tournament. So disappointed. I don't know if I should call him just to have a coffee. Well, it should be after my exams then, if I still want to call him. Man, what am I thinking? I don't like this. Things are not working out as I planned, had a good night study, good day of work before seeing him. I know I know, "thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven." What...I am just disappointed that I couldn't talk to him today. And guess who picked up the reschedule phone call today? I was right beside the phone at the moment, and I knew it was him this time. I recognized.

I felt blessed

I called Fei Lam out of the bored one night. I told him about what happened at clubbing night. Out of nowhere...I probably talked to him about Nomis. Wait, no, that was Monday night, cos I remembered telling him I am going to meet Nomis the next day. So, Monday night, we talked about the clubbing night. Out of nowhere, he said I actually deal with everybody with my heart. I open my heart to people that's why people like me. Although I don't feel the same way, I feel blessed. I thought of our beloved Pope John Paul II. He brought love and peace to the world by opening his heart to show the wonderous love of God. The could feel the peace when you look at him. I don't know how to put this in words. But if opening your heart to other people could bring love and peace to the world, I should do that more often. If that's what the Pope did, I shall follow.

So after seeing the stressful Nomis on Saturday, I met him again on Tuesday. I was so glad that he shared his stressful life with me so I could say something to make him feel better. On Tuesday, he was less stressful. His back felt better. He slept okay the night before. I saw him smiling, finally, I smiled harder. I was so happy I helped, may be just a little. He told me that things are working fine for him. He is getting his new place on May 1st instead of June 1st. So he is moving at the end of the month. Immediately we became friends under a relaxed atmosphere. It's bad I know. Hopefully Matt won't notice about it. He said he was going to have his last treatment today, which I wasn't going to be there. But surprisingly he called to change the appointment to tomorrow. And guess who picked up his call today? Matt was on the phone at the moment, and Chris was dealing with something on the phone, so I talked to him. Man..... I think I still see him as a patient right now because he still comes for treatments. I think I will starting seeing him as a friend after tomorrow, may be......

Oh...now I should know how to make myself happy. I make myself happy by helping other people, be a listener for them, or advisor. I would be happy if I could bring the happiness to others. Right, I have to do that often.

Don't know how to make myself happy

Again, whenever I want to write something in here, my brain is kinda a mess. I don't really know how to relate everything in my mind right now. Let's start with something easier.

I met that patient again on saturday. We talked. I knew he had a bad back. His first response of the question "how are you?" was always good, which I knew he wasn't feeling good at all. He looked tired. His back was bothering him so much that it kept him from sleeping well. I was actually a little worried about his situation, because he was not getting any better. We talked about something else besides the treatment. He did have a really stressful life. And I believed some of the back pain came from his stress. I read his chart. He was depressed. Therefore, I tried to watch out what I was saying. It turned out well. He enjoys the stress that he is having right now. And most importantly, he is looking forward to be suscessful. Moving and opening his own business cause the stresses. I wish I could help. However, I don't know what I could do. I know I am going to be friends with this person because he will join our poker tournament in the summer.

I cried like a baby at the Pope's memorial mass. His grace and peace just came out of nowhere. He reminded me God's wonderous love. During the mass, they talked about the reason why the Pope was so popular all over the world. It's the way he dealt with people, just like the relationship between God and us. No matter who he talked to, the other party felt he/she was the most important person in the world. Just like what I think all the time, I may be nobody to a lot of people. But I am somebody in God's eyes because he created me and he loves me. I am important in this world because I am the salt of the earth, the light of the world.

Because of a friend's birthday, I went clubbing with my friends. I didn't have much fun, as usual since I didn't really want to be there. Anyways, everything happened for a reason, there was one special thing happened. Here's the conversation:

Him: are you having fun?
Me: okay....so so
Him: why are you always shy and quiet?
Me: cos I am not happy most of the time
Him: Why? What's missing?
Me: I don't know
Him: What will make you happy?
Me: (speechless)....I don't know...
Him: You have to tell me
Me: I really don't know

I thank him so much. I thank him for asking me how I feel and show the concern that he wants to make me happy. But sadly, I don't know what I could do to make myself happy. For the whole day today, I thought of the cross that I am carrying. I think I am doing okay with the verticle stroke of the cross, which represents my relationship with God. But I think I don't know how to handle the horizontal stroke of the cross, which represents my relationship with people on earth. I have a problem in telling people how I feel. I can't believe I am that stubborn. After all these Gospel I received, I still failed to share my worries with other people. I still think that I am a mess which nobody wants to deal with.

Then it comes to another problem. In today's bible sharing, we talked about the greatest commandment. "You shall love your neighbour as yourself." Matthew 23:39
So what am I going to do? I sure will and try my best to make other people happy, but not for myself, because I don't know how to.

Another sad thing, I don't know since when I changed to a player. Since this friend showed his care, I talked to him. We sat aside and talked. We hugged. When we left, I heard two guys talking.

J: You hate her don't you?
D: No i don't
J: Stop lying, you have a PhD in hating players
D: No I don't

I stared at him. Since when i changed to a player? He didn't even know what we talked about, why I behaved the way I behaved, and basically why I am who I am. I didn't know what happened but I am a player. Viola! I cried again today in mass, for the whole time. Reasons: I don't know how to make myself happy, I have problems with the horizontal stroke of the cross, and I am a player.

Electing a new Pope

Trust God in selecting the new Holy Father of the Roman Catholic Church. That's all we could do.

I have reading the newspaper about how the world concerns about the new leader of our church. Pope John Paul II's footsteps was very hard to follow. Not only our new Holy father needs to take care of God's sheeps, to bring love and peace to the world, but also he needs to deal with the politics, which leads to phenomenon that goes against the church's teachings. Commentators suggest we should have a more modern Pope to deal with the modern world. The old rules cannot be applied anymore. He has a whole new world to take over.

In my opinion, he has a whole new mess to take over. As I was just talking to a patient today. I admired how Pope John Paul II ignored the critizism of the outsiders about his comment on birth control. And of course, same sex marriage is not allowed under our rule.

We, human created this world, so-called a whole new world which old rules can't apply . This gives me an impression that the return of God wouldn't be long. Since the mess here is getting out of control and it's just going to get worse, I would come back and judge my people if I were Him. But I also understand the wonderous generosity of God. He is giving us more and more time to prepare ourselves, to get ready for the big day. We should behave and be prepared.

Do not be afraid

"A good and faithful servant of God has been called home."

I haven't met him before, but he sure touched my heart.
Thinking about him alone gives me peace.
Visualizing his peaceful smile makes me feel love.
God's wonderous love has been fully shown upon our beloved Pope, John Paul II.

It was not a sad day, but joy, for the relief, and finally home. We shouldn't be more selfish to hold on to him longer.

His teachings make me review my life. For the last moment, he was still faithful, very faithful.

"We should still have hope even though we are suffering."

And not only once he told us not to be afraid. We are the salt of the earth, light of the world. Let us be hopeful, faithful at all times, and be not afraid. With this attitude, let us bring peace and love to the world.

Day of Appreciation

Thank you Lord!!! It was so nice and warm outside so I went to school happily. Since I have to finish my assignment, I went to the lab earlier than usual. That's why I missed the first round of shower. I knew that cos I saw some classmates came in the classroom like a "wet chicken". The rain stopped after class so I had a chance to grab some food w/o getting wet. Then after the BIO370 class, I went to con hall earlier for the genetics class. Right before the class started, I asked the guy if it was raining outside, as he just came in. I looked at him. I was like "oh...." I knew the answer from just looking at him lol. And you don't understand how sure I was that it was going to be sunshine again when the lecture finished and I had to walk to the subway. Thank you Lord.

Although I didn't treat a lot of patient today, I had so much fun. Matt was great and we are getting along well. I came up with some conclusion of mine today. I finally agreed with the complements people made on me. Right, I have to agree, I am good at patients interaction. Thanks to my volunteering work. I didn't waste my time in the hospital. Besides personal satisfaction, I also learned interaction, which is the basis of survival in this world. However, my interaction skills is only good at patient, or business level. It doesn't get any further.

Also, I give care to patients. I don't have a problem with that. Because I know that I am a health care provider. I don't expect anything back from the patients. However, I am still mad at my friends. I think it's partially because I really do expect something from them. Is it bad to expect something from my friends?

It's weird. I have been trying to call Eric S. I couldn't reach him for the whole 2 weeks. What happened to him?

Our beloved Pope's situation has been worsen. Let's pray Rosary for him.