Don't know how to make myself happy

Again, whenever I want to write something in here, my brain is kinda a mess. I don't really know how to relate everything in my mind right now. Let's start with something easier.

I met that patient again on saturday. We talked. I knew he had a bad back. His first response of the question "how are you?" was always good, which I knew he wasn't feeling good at all. He looked tired. His back was bothering him so much that it kept him from sleeping well. I was actually a little worried about his situation, because he was not getting any better. We talked about something else besides the treatment. He did have a really stressful life. And I believed some of the back pain came from his stress. I read his chart. He was depressed. Therefore, I tried to watch out what I was saying. It turned out well. He enjoys the stress that he is having right now. And most importantly, he is looking forward to be suscessful. Moving and opening his own business cause the stresses. I wish I could help. However, I don't know what I could do. I know I am going to be friends with this person because he will join our poker tournament in the summer.

I cried like a baby at the Pope's memorial mass. His grace and peace just came out of nowhere. He reminded me God's wonderous love. During the mass, they talked about the reason why the Pope was so popular all over the world. It's the way he dealt with people, just like the relationship between God and us. No matter who he talked to, the other party felt he/she was the most important person in the world. Just like what I think all the time, I may be nobody to a lot of people. But I am somebody in God's eyes because he created me and he loves me. I am important in this world because I am the salt of the earth, the light of the world.

Because of a friend's birthday, I went clubbing with my friends. I didn't have much fun, as usual since I didn't really want to be there. Anyways, everything happened for a reason, there was one special thing happened. Here's the conversation:

Him: are you having fun?
Me: okay....so so
Him: why are you always shy and quiet?
Me: cos I am not happy most of the time
Him: Why? What's missing?
Me: I don't know
Him: What will make you happy?
Me: (speechless)....I don't know...
Him: You have to tell me
Me: I really don't know

I thank him so much. I thank him for asking me how I feel and show the concern that he wants to make me happy. But sadly, I don't know what I could do to make myself happy. For the whole day today, I thought of the cross that I am carrying. I think I am doing okay with the verticle stroke of the cross, which represents my relationship with God. But I think I don't know how to handle the horizontal stroke of the cross, which represents my relationship with people on earth. I have a problem in telling people how I feel. I can't believe I am that stubborn. After all these Gospel I received, I still failed to share my worries with other people. I still think that I am a mess which nobody wants to deal with.

Then it comes to another problem. In today's bible sharing, we talked about the greatest commandment. "You shall love your neighbour as yourself." Matthew 23:39
So what am I going to do? I sure will and try my best to make other people happy, but not for myself, because I don't know how to.

Another sad thing, I don't know since when I changed to a player. Since this friend showed his care, I talked to him. We sat aside and talked. We hugged. When we left, I heard two guys talking.

J: You hate her don't you?
D: No i don't
J: Stop lying, you have a PhD in hating players
D: No I don't

I stared at him. Since when i changed to a player? He didn't even know what we talked about, why I behaved the way I behaved, and basically why I am who I am. I didn't know what happened but I am a player. Viola! I cried again today in mass, for the whole time. Reasons: I don't know how to make myself happy, I have problems with the horizontal stroke of the cross, and I am a player.