You're not alone baby

This weekend has been a BLAST! I love it. I LOVE YOU LORD.

I love you lord and I lift my voice to worship you

all my soul rejoices

take joy my king in what you hear

let it be a sweet sweet sound in your ear

Our long awaited Solemn Profession for Sr. Teresa Magdalene of the Passion took place on Saturday. As a choir member, I think we led well. Sister said we had angelic voice and the songs moved people's hearts, including ours. We cried, and we cried harder because we can all feel God's love was embracing us at the moment. I am sure he has been working so hard for the event. He came to the choir practices and made sure everything was going well.

After the mass, Fr Dan came up to me, showed his acquaintance. Then he invited me for dinner downtown. I was so surprised cos I would never imagine myself having close relationship with a father, like other people. Most people from our church are born catholic or are baptized for a long time. Therefore, Fathers recognized them. But I would still consider myself as a freshman. Even the Father who baptized me wouldn't know what I am. The Lord once again tell me that "you are not alone baby."

Auntie Uncle, I really want to go to Medugorje. But I really don't have the money to go. There are gonna be various things going on in May. That's why I cannot make any decisions right now. On the other hand, I still have a very strong feeling of a sinner myself. I am not worthy to visit the door of heaven yet. Work hard to be Holy would be crucial to show respect to such a Holy place.

When I got home today, guess what I received in my email inbox? It's from Fr Roland Jablonski. I can't believe Fr Roland still remembers me. He sent me ecard for Chinese New Year two years in a row. Thank you Lord for sending me angels around me, once again telling me that "you are not alone baby."

May the Lord bless you and protect you.May He show you His countenance and have mercy on you.May He turn His face to you and give you peace. May the Lord bless you, Dear Monika!

Roland Jablonski OFM

Standing beside him today gave me a very wonderful feeling that I haven't had in a while. Although I hate to make conversation, I did it. We shake our hands to send each other blessings for the Chinese New Year. You know, this is really something close to impossible. But I keep praying praying and praying. As Sr Fung said, I will use my angelic voice to seduce Jesus, to seduce Him to give me something precious, even though it's too hard, too good to be true. Now I must make myself worthy to receive such a precious gift. Live a Holy life, work hard for Holy being would be the key. Honestly, peaceful that I feel when I look at him. And for sure there is a motivation for me to be Holy, and stay focus in mass. Anyways, too much on him for today's blog.

Mental retreat

After an emotional breakdown last weekend, I went to a mental retreat during the week. I had a chance to spend some time at the bookstore and read one of the most amazing book I have ever read. Since the religious section of the bookstore is kind of quiet so I can sit there all day. Reading one of Mother Teresa's books grants me a peaceful heart. They answered most of the questions I have had for a couple of weeks. They modified my way of thinking to make me a happier person. It's like Jesus is sending a message to me (or may be he is :D)

Mother Teresa taught me to pray, to give and to love. There are more, but the store was closing at that time.

One very important idea that brought to my mind was that, sometimes I get discouraged in love and charity because I don't feel like I am needed. Needless to say that I don't feel important most of the time. In fact, Mother Teresa taught us not to want to be needed. If we get discouraged when doing charity, it's a sign of pride. I don't like the word pride. Pride can only make people to see themselves and forget about what's important in the first place. I should really look in the mirror to see if I can find traces of pride in myself.

Knowing that it's so hard to do what's written in there for we are all mortals, I will try my best to work on them. First of all we need to pray more to call for help, to take away the pride I have. Then teach me to act and speak God's love. Do some sacrifice in giving and sharing.

A Vaccay for Silence

Only if we don't have to care about so much in life;
Only if air tickets are not that expansive;
Only if the application deadlines are not the end of this month;
I WILL DEFINITELY LEAVE FOR A VACATION.

It's been a while since the last time I have any physical contact with the nature. No matter it's the leaves dancing in response to the wind,
or the waves running back and forth along the seashore,
or the breeze gently touches my face carrying the scent of the ocean,
or the silence you hear, the calmness you feel, the reflection of yourself you see at the centre of a lake,
or the spots of light you see in the sky while fireflies and stars are indistinguishable.
It has been too too too long.

"It seems only the old are able to sit next to one another and not say anything and still feel content. The young, brash and impatient, must always break the silence. It is a waste, for silence is pure. Silence is holy. It draws people together because only those who are comfortable with each other can sit without speaking. This is the great paradox." Nicholas Sparks, the Notebook.

Silence can pull people apart. But acccording to Sparks, it can draw people together. I really do wish the latter, for making unnecessary conversation is not one of my favourites.

Silence can bring my thoughts together. By connecting the thoughts, one could come up with something really powerful. Small ideas could lead to very creative ones. Good memories could lead to smiles in heart. But sad memories bring tears and scars.

The most needed right now:
A vacation in the seek of silence as an insulation, isolating from streetlights, building, applications, papers, beeps, vehicles, ..., people.

Draw a house

Wanna see the house I created?

FULL HOUSE

Stressed

People told me that desserts is the reverse of stressed. Right, that's right. I tried my best to believe it. However, it's not quite the situation.

Stress could be caused by the past, present and the future. The failure in the past created the stress at the moment which leads the stress in planning the future. Stress could also be caused by the surrounding environment, like working environment or the loads of readings we need to catch up. It could also be stressful if we see a bluried windshield when we are trying to find out what is there down the road.

For now, the only difference between working and going to school is the nature of stress. We all know we are stressful in school. We know how many cups of coffee we need each day. We know how many pages of psychology textbook we have to go through this day. We know how many muscles we need to memorize for this lecture. We know how many more pages to write before we hand in this essay. We know what grade we need to achieve for this exam and we know how many hours of study we have to do.

At work, I lose track of the number of coffee I need. We don't have any textbook to read. We don't have muscles or blood vessels to memorize. We don't have due dates for essays. There is no exams and no study has to be done before a certain date. So where is the stress?

That's something I have never understood when I was in school. Even if I am working right now, there is still a big heavy piece of stone on top of my head. It came from nowhere. The only source of this stone can only come from the same old question (what am I gonna do for the rest of my life?) This is a really weird feeling that it seems like there is nothing I can do to take away this stone. It mainly because I can't find the origin of it. It's so terrifying due to the fact that it seems like it's gonna stay there forever.

Anyways, back to my life:
Crazy choir practice for the coming week. It feels like we are verbally interpreting the music score instead of singing, just like a whole bunch of zombie. Right, I am a zombie again, a brainless zombie.
Volleyball season just started last week and I played like crap. I am trying my best to get rid of my bad habits. Hopefully it wouldn't take too long to get back to my full power. Wait, have I ever reached my full strenght before? Probably not. For some reasons, I have less and less confident in the front court. Too worried about getting injured again? Too focus on my bad habits?
Or is my head visiting London, Rome and Madrid this week?

What a weekend

This is a crazy yet enjoyable weekend. For the longest time, I haven't been feeling the joy of meeting people.

Miguel came back from Madrid. He spent his Christmas and New Year over there, his home country. Colin and I met him for a drink on Friday night and shared our experience over the holidays. So there was this little tradition in Spain at new years eve. During the period when the bell swings 12 times to make 12 pounding sounds, people need to swollow 12 raisins in order to get a good year. Now people, you guys have a year to practise.

After the Meteor Garden, I am poisoned by another series, the Full House. Although this is a Korean series, it is still very touching. The more I watch it, the more I understand the meaning in between, the prettier is the love, the sadder I get. Well, only I know how to write a good movie report to discuss about everyone's characters. There is happiness that's speechless, but there are also pain at the bottom of their hearts.

There was a Chinese New Year special concert at the Skydome on Sunday. The only thing that surprised me was the touching moment of how Visa students miss home. At that instant second, I realized how long I have not gone home for chinese new year. I was crying uncontrollably when they started singing the song, A letter to my parents. "Papa, mama, how are you? Are you doing well back home? Are you busy at work lately? Toronto is good, and I am doing well. Please do not worry about me. I really want to come back for the new year as well, but I am occupied with the work in there. Remember to take care of yourself so I don't have to be worried. I know I am lazy that I don't write a lot, but I will send you emails. Take care"

Family

It's this time of the year again. Time to think about what I am going to do for the rest of my life. I try not to be too stressful for all the applications I made. However, it's quite impossible to deal with it in a sit-back relaxed mode.

Camie, my cousin, chatted with me last time I was on msn. I was surprised to hear that big auntie was in the hospital. She had an operation done WITHOUT telling anybody. I mean although it's not a big surgery, half of her lung was removed. I guess she has the responsibility to tell her family. Camie told me about it and immediately I told her to inform my dad, since my dad is auntie's big brother. So my dad's going to visit her tomorrow probably. Thinking about the issue of "not telling your family what's going on with you", I can so relate it to myself. I guess I am that kind of person. I tend not to share my worries with my parents. Then when they find out the issue, they are mad at me. But now I realize what I told Camie the other night. Your family is always there to support you no matter what happen. Don't ever say that you don't want to bother them with little issues. Share your worries with them because they will only suggest what's the best for you.

Going into the shower, thoughts eventually got a little deeper. When it comes to giving and receiving, I have been thinking that everybody owes me the whole world. I have been complaining 'bout how come people don't really care about me, like if I am there, or check if i am doing fine when I am upset, or to see if I am getting better when I am sick, or if they want to help out in my decision when i am frustrated, etc. Although I always say that God give me this present of giving, I may not have it indeed. I tend to help a lot of anonymous people, people that I don't expect to receive anything back when I give the care. For my friends, people who have names in my life, I may not give the same level of care. Therefore, I should never be complaining how other people treat me, how others don't even notice I am there, etc. But here comes the important role of family. I admit, that I take them for granted. They care about me no matter how shitty I treat them. And more substantially, they still don't expect anything back from me (well besides my mom). I guess that's the difference between friends and family.

I should surely know that although I may be a loner in the society, my family is always there to back me up.

Happy New Year

Happy New Year!!!! Don't worry, be happy. "Hakuna Matata"

There was a YOSAC new years party on the 31st. Unfortunately I didn't manage to participate due to some technical problem. When I looked at the pictures they took in the party, I was kinda glad that I wasn't there. Just because I can so picture myself being uncomfortable in that kind of environment. I would rather stay at Auntie's place. Therefore, I spent a very quiet, peaceful and joyful new year.

I found out that I am more uncomfortable in joining social events like this than before. In the past, I didn't want to go b/c I didn't know anybody. Now, I don't want to go b/c I don't want to talk to nobody. I know there are friends out there who really cares about me. However, my heart is still so cold so dark, still frowning.

Favourite phase of the week: Hey, I am a loner.

Two weeks of holiday flied like a blink. And here I am, turning myself into an ordinary couch potato. With the arrival of the new DVD player, we (me and sis) successfully finished 3 TV series in just a couple of days. Going to bed at 5 in the morning and waking up at 2pm is so much fun. Unfortunately, this kind of life ended by the first day of work in 2006.

We watched Japanese "Son in Law, Your Highness", Korean "Full House" (highly recommended), Chinese "Healing hands". And now, we are watching something called 'conflicts in the forbidden city'.