It's just messed up

See I don't know what to say in here anymore. I felt so messed up. I am so sick of myself complaining about everything in life. Why can't I be appreciated about more things in life? Why am I still complaining? How come I can never satisfied with what I have? who I am? What I do?

We lost another game today. And I checked the standings tonight, we didn't make the playoffs. I felt bitter because I certainly thought that we had the best team in the league and we haven't given our best game today, and the UTSC game, and the UTM game. I wish I could play better.

I was mad because we lost to Linda, not the white team. Honestly, her team was crap. She was putting on her Linda's show. I mean, I have to give her credit that she is a good vball player. However, personality-wise, I couldn't find the best word to describe it, but it's full of shit. I was trying so hard to accept her, I just can't, started from day 1. As soon as I knew mia and anne felt the same, I realized that it's not just me, who is having problem with this person. But I guess people's personality don't quite show on the court.

I received an email from Di, our coach after the game, asking me if I was really going to stay with Tigers this year. She persuades me to try-out her team since it's more competitive. She is trying to tell me that I won't be alone in a new team because I know her, Linda and Viv. I mean, you gotta find a better reason, or some better people to persuade me to switch team. Being on the same team with Linda is the last thing I want in my life, that's for sure. Just in case I forget about that in the future, I need to write this down. I can't look at her evil face for one more second. She freaking gave Anne cut eyes today since she thought that Anne was making false judgements as linesperson. I mean, we are athletes. We don't do that because we have sportsmanship. Unlike You, trying to cheat and bring in a friend to play in the UT league who doesn't even go to UT. omg, I should stop talking about this, I don't think it's worth-it to waste my space to write about this evil person. But I am upset, because we lost to this team with an evil as the leader.

Issue with Eric still hasn't been resolved. I don't know what to do with him. I want to call him, just to catch up what's going on with him. I feel good talking to him, even if we are just friends. I wish he still cares about me. But he hasn't called back, which makes me feel bitter. I have been fooling myself alot lately, by telling myself that he still wants to talk to me, he just doesn't get the chance. Oh no....now that I think of it, I am so bad to Richie. Everytime I feel like I want to call Eric and talk to him, I call Richie instead. I shouldn't do that. I should call Richie when I really want to call him. Shit, I really don't know what I am doing. I probably just need someone to talk to. All of my friends think that I am over eric. I am not upset about the break up anymore. Sadly, I am still upset. I don't know what I want. I am upset about what's happening. I don't want the break up. But now that we are separated, I don't want to get back together again even if we have the chance. So, I don't know what I am thinking, and I don't know what I should think. I basically have nothing to look forward to. But at least there is one good thing happening. His parents are doing well right now. Things in his family are working toward the right direction. Hopefully, they will be able to pull through. On the other hand, when everything is working out well, eric will meet other people, and I don't know I will be able to handle that. Honestly, I don't think I will.

My prayers are with the health of our Pope.

Our way to suscess

Now, all of a sudden, Richie comes into my life. A person who is willing to listen, was upset with me because I couldn't be honest with him and share my worries with him. I feel so guilty, I am taking a friend for granted. I will, one day, take this friend to a Japanese restaurant and eat raw fish lol.

Wednesday's work was good. I was glad that I had a chance to give what I have in me. I was able to answer questions from the investors, talking to one of the members of the group employer. I wouldn't say that I am knowledgeable at this moment, however, I was able to assist them with the system, the mechanism and the effect of it. I was so proud of myself. Although I got a little flush when I said the wrong word, I thought I did okay. See, now, I find something in me that I am appreciated. Sometimes, this is the kind of satisfaction I need to keep me alive, helping me to forget what happens on the other side of my mind. Or I probably think that school and career got raised to my top priority in life.

It seems like I am not the only person who concerns about my career. I saw some Primerica paperwork at my sister's bedside. I asked her what it was, she said she is taking a course with Primerica. I think it's good for her to finally take a close look at what she is doing right now, and where it leads her to. However, I have a problem with the fact that she doesn't want to discuss any of this with me. Like, I always ask her if we are roommates or family. She said this was a dumb question. But sometimes, I think that we are worse than roommates. We don't see each other often, and we don't talk to each other about our problems. She has no contribution to this family at all, although the only duty she needs to fulfill is to wash the dishes. While I have to pay the rent, phone, cable and cell phone, well also her study at George brown college, she only needs to take care of her own expenditures, like travelling, shopping, shopping, and shopping. Anyway, I also have a problem with her choosing business and finance over what she really likes, interior design. I mean, she has been working towards it for so long, and I admire her talent. I would look down on her if all of a sudden she thinks that money and shopping is more important than the art she likes.

I wish I could enjoy life this way

I don't know since when I love the chlorine smell of the pool in out building. I can't get enough of it. I am so tempted to go back to the pool again. However, I have too much work ahead of me, which restrains me from jumping into the water. Plus, I had water entering my ears. It was painful because of the infection. Now, I need ear plugs. I love it, can't hear any noise anymore, completely isolated from the outside world.

I know it's the Homily given on Sunday which keeps me alive during the week. Last week, I actually wasn't paying too much attention to Fr. Dominic Kong, since I had no clue what he was talking about. That's why, last week was brutal. Not only I cried almost everyday, I was kinda of depressed about life. This week, we had Fr. Peter Siu. I always understand what he says, and I felt better of the week whenever he gave the Homily. Although the positive attitude only lasts for a day, I always have his words kept in mind. I thank him so much. How could I live without the words from above through him?

Monday was volunteering day. I started with a very bad mood. That was the first day I felt like Eric wanted to avoid me completely. He didn't want to talk to me anymore, not even like friends. Basically, he may just want to erase me from his life. I was so hurt and upset about that. Why is this happening? I still care about him as a friend. I still wish him well. What on earth I have done to deserve punishment like this? I don't understand. It hurts so much that I don't feel myself worthwhile anymore, like some garbage that people want to get rid of as soon as possible. I was thinking, people always say that I am such a nice person, like an angel. May be I am an angel on the outside and evil in the inside. With my bad mood in hospital, I so wanted to go home. I felt crappier after visualizing a patient almost died in the waiting room, and telling another patient that she has lymphoma. Life is so short that we should be happy that we are still alive. Ironically, for me, I think I am taking it for granted, and upset about relationship. But I couldn't help it. My tears was held for the whole day until I saw the little note in ER,

"Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attrctive and well preserved body, but rather to skid sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaaming 'WOO HOO, what a ride'."

You know, I wish I could enjoy life this way.

Failed to be a heart breaker

Okay, now, this is the problem of not writing in couple of days. I have so much in my mind that I actually need time and space to organize.

I think I am changing to an ordinary person. I believed so much in love, and completely committed in a relationship. Everything worked out fine until the other party wanted to get out of it. Now I realize the reason why there are so many girls who don't want to be in a relationship. I realize the reason why there are girls who just want to go out with a guy for, you know, couple months, or even couple weeks. Because when we commit too much, we get hurt. Nowadays, women know how to protect themselves more than ever. That's why we are hearing a lot of men complain about how the difficulty of finding a soul mate. Well, why don't you, men, think about what you have done to us in the first place? Now, after a disappointment of a 2.75 years committed relationship, me, this girl who doesn't want commitment anymore, is created. It's not because I can't go out to meet other people after commitment is made, it will be so much harder for me to believe in commitment than before. And only Eric knows how much effort he had to put in to open my heart to him, and he totally took it for granted after that.

The moment I feel like I am ready to go out and break some hearts, I have this guy asking me out for dinner. I was upset because of my "issues". It's just messed up. Anyway, I was just looking forward to having some fun. And I found out he was actually interested in developing something with me. Now, here's a good chance to just have some romance because I know he is a very romantic guy. However, I figure, I just can't do it. The more I know about him, I don't want to hurt him this way. When I think of the pain I experienced, and probably am experiencing, how can I create the same kind of pain for another wonderful person? A person who actually cares about me? They so don't deserve that shit from a mess like me. How am I supposed to be a heart breaker? When I meet someone nice, I will probably hurt myself more to break their hearts. When I meet some jerks, who I so dare to break their hearts, why would I torture myself to go out with an a-hole in the first place?

That's why, I am failed to be a heart breaker

Chronically suicide

Tell me I am not killing chronically. I eat so much junk food, bombard myself with McDonald's fries, 341ml of 7% alcohol before I go to bed. I can only think of super elevated cholesterol level and chronic liver damage, which leads cirrhosis. Plus I am sad most of the time these days, this gives more stress to my liver. More stress to my liver causes more depression, then more stress to the liver, then more depressed...it's like a positive feedback. If this is not chronic suicide, tell me what is?

In order to break the chain, all I need is someone to talk to. I was lucky. I did have someone to talk to, after broken myself into tears for 15 minutes. May be I really do need professional help since my tears just come out of nowhere. And the worst thing is, it doesn't stop and gives me an headache afterwards.

Talking to someone not only makes me feel better about the problem itself, but also the fact that someone is willing to sacrifice the time for me, and listen to me. Unfortunately, this somebody is my ex, someone I shouldn't talk to too much. But, who else is there? Now I feel ashamed to tell people that I am depressed, after I diagnosed myself. Plus, remember, I try not to bug them much. No one has to take the shit from me. No one is supposed to, and dealing with me is too much to ask for. Look at me, the sore, swollen eyes make me look notably ugly.

Lacking the sense of self being

I love to go swimming. I could do my thinking underwater, quiet and undisturbed. I came out with a conclusion last night after my 60 minute-swim. It's all about destiny. Toronto may not be the place for me, since I don't have the sense of belonging here. When there is no one to share when I am happy, when there is no one to listen when I am sad, when there is no one to have fun with when I am at a party, when there is no one to talk to when I am lonely, this is not a place for me. I can't live in a place like that.

Plus, right now, I really can't place myself in a big picture. What is my role? Will the world be different without me? Will the society be different without me? Will the group of people I am hanging out with be different without me? Will my workplace be different without me? When the answer is NO to all of the questions above, you know that you just don't fit in the community. Having me is just as good as nothing.

I felt better today when I saw Matt, my boss. He is the only person who makes me feel I am welcome. His big smile makes me feel that he appreciates my appearance. After working for Dr. Kahn, and having Matt as my boss now, I am just grateful that I am working for a better person. Matt is hard working and I truely wish his hard work paid off. So, after he started his advertising on Monday, we received lots of phone calls. I told my coworker that I was happy for Matt. Surprisingly, my coworker said, "It's good. Of course you are happy because you can look forward to keeping your job." I was heart broken. What's up with people's mind these days? What makes him think that I am just looking forward to keeping my job? I don't understand. I am working for a better boss. I am glad that I can work for a nice person. And I can't be happy because his hard work paid off after seeing him stressed out like crazy? Is that how people think these days? Or am I still too innocent for the real world?

The most helpless cry

I wish I could think less. Right now, I am just thinking too much. Thinking about how messy my life is, how miserable myself is. I really got sick of complaining my own life, sick of it. I really want to stop doing that to myself. I know I will go to depression easily if I keep doing that. However, I really can't help it.

I was a quiet person before. It was so hard for me to tell other people what I thought. On the other hand, I didn't think people around wanted to take the shit from me. So, I could only share with the one and only listener of mine. However, this one and only listener does not exist anymore. I have to find other listeners. So I approach my friends, and hopefully they care. I started to talk alot. Talking makes me feel better because we all can laugh at my problem. Then I wouldn't think that is such big of a deal.

I hate the fact that I have to complain so much. I still think that people around don't have to take the shit from me.

I really have a problem in putting what I wanted to say in words. I tried, I am so confused. Of the every point I made, I think I have bugged my friends too much. They couldn't take it anymore. So, from now on, I am just going to shut up, shut up, stop talking. I think I scared my friends away. I mean, I am not a person who deserves that much attention. I mean, I just feel like I am nobody and there is no one who cares about this nobody. I am not saying that because I need attention from people. I don't need attention. I know I don't deserve it.

I am sorry Shehzy. I didn't mean to leave w/o saying anything. But at that time I really needed somebody to talk to and I guessed you were tired. I just have to rush back to the room before my tears run out.

Whatever, my head is going to blow up soon. I don't care even if I don't know what the heck I am writing. I am just having the most helpless cry ever.

Valentine's DayS

This year's valentine's day is crap. It was raining almost the whole day. It seemed like God was crying with me. Although I converted most of my negative energy to volunteer work, I just couldn't hold it anymore.

I thought I handled everything pretty well. I turned to a tough girl, tougher than I thought. Then I knew I wasn't that tough when I started crying at the last scene of "You've got mail" last night.

I hate myself so much. I felt like crap. Then I used this volunteer work to make myself feel better. Putting on the nice smile for the whole day, talking to people every minute, I felt good. However, I can't stop. Whenever I stopped, I started thinking, and it's over. Tears just came out right away.

I went to auntie Teresa's place for the weekend. When I looked at the beautiful flowers that Tim and Maverick prepared for their gfs, I felt bitter. I felt bitter not because I was not with somebody this year. I was upset because for the last 5 years, I realized that I haven't received anything special from my ex-es. So, for all these years, no flowers, no cards and no gifts. But I have never complained about anything as soon as we were spending the day together. The 1st v day with Eric, I sprained my ankle while playing vball at the AC. Then we went to Eric's house, had a nice dinner with his parents. The 2nd vday with Eric, I spent the whole day playing a vball tournament. He came to watch for the last 2 games. Then again, we went to Eric's house, had a nice dinner with his parents. So, we were spending most of the day together. But now that I thought of it, on this special day for lovers, we didn't do anything lovers do. How come I couldn't see it earlier? Anyway, no flowers, no cards, no gifts and no valentine this year.

Clubbing nite

We went to Inside last night for Heng's birthday. I didn't know I was invited. I just asked Mimi and she said that it's assumed that I am gonna go. I actually hesitated because the I had work the next day, plus, I don't know what's gonna happen again. But, the main point is, I just want to hang out with my friends. If they wanna go clubbing, then clubbing it is.

Although I wasn't that excited about clubbing anymore, I had to pick out a top to wear. I had troubles doing that, since I didn't have a lot of clubbing experience. So, I picked out a nice top, put on comfortable make-up, then I went. I like to put make-ups on. It's not like I look crappy w/o it. I felt like a model with it, looks pretty. Anyway, I went to Esther's place and met up with the guys before going.

Everything sounds fine until near the end.

This is my 2nd clubbing nite in my life time. Honestly, I had this frustrated feeling on both nights. There are more than one moment that I feel like I don't know what I am doing. I closed my eyes and started thinking. I just wanted to stop dancing and cried. I felt so lost, and sometimes out of the picture of "fun". The crying part didn't happen in the first night, probably b/c of Osadetz. I actually cried last night. I came out because I wanted to hang out with my friends, and all of a sudden they all disappeared. They abandoned me. What is the freaking point of going if I am by myself? I was left with the guys that I just met. At that moment, I wanted to go home. I probably shouldn't have come in the first place. I should just go get drunk and have a nice sleep, instead of shaking around with my swollen achillies.

Greetings from Fr. Roland

I received a surprised Chinese New Year gift today, and probably the most precious one. I couldn't believe Fr. Roland still remembered me and sent me his greetings from Rome. Here's what he said:

Every good gift comes from the Father of light. May he grant you his grace and every blessing, and keep you safe throughout the coming year. May he order your days and work in his peace, hear your every prayer, and give you the gifts of the Holy Spirit for ever.May the Lord bless you and keep you!

Fr. Roland Jablonski OFM

Light of the world, Salt of the earth

My frustration of growing up ended with this phrase. After Fr. Siu talked about the opportunity to grow up after a challenge in yesterday's mass, I knew that I won't turn into something evil. I was so glad that I finally found the way of living. I finally found out the good side of growing up. Since I am a christian, there is always a unique way of living to honour the father in heaven. Yay, that's what I have been doing all the time. The change of lifestyle got me frustrated, for I didn't know what I was doing. Just remember the fruit of Spirit (Galatians 4:16-17), and I shall be fine.

Today is our one month anniversary of the break up. He said I turn into a person who laughs every two seconds. That's good right?

On saturday night, I was talking to him like a mutual friend. I guess I was less sensitive about his feelings, I told him about everything, including the 3am phone call and the Osadetz incident. He didn't have any problem with the 3am phone call because I was complaining about it. Then I went on to talk about Osadetz, except I didn't mention his name, since both of us know him. I didn't complain. I have to admit the fact that he is tall, cute and good vball player. Then all of a sudden, he said he didn't want to talk about it. He didn't want to know who he is and it's my own business, and he didn't need to know about it. Okay, he was upset. I stopped talking. I felt bad. It seemed like I hurt his feelings. Right, I definitely become less sensitive about his feelings. As I said before, I was talking to him like a mutual friend. Then he's like, "so two vball guy asked for your phone number?" I said yes. Well, too bad. I told him he was taking it too seriously, while I was not. I was laughing while we were talking. But as soon as he said he didn't want to listen to it, I stopped talking.

I start to listen to R&B and HipHop. Isn't that scary? I had this song stuck in my head while I was studying... soldier from destiny's child.

What a Moody day

Is it full moon today? How come everything is so abnormal? Mia and Anne had an argument, which was very rare. I was moody, for no reason. Anne was moody, for "i don't know what" reason.

I really felt like working today in LaserLife. I enjoyed the time there since the working atmosphere was very relaxed. I have the best boss ever. But it's Alen's last day of work. He is leaving for Dubai. May be moody because of that??!! Don't know.

After I left LaserLife, I was heading to the AC to play some light vball with my achillies tendonitis. I treated myself at LaserLife and I took medication. So, my achillies was less painful. When I got there, they were playing already, as usual. I was just sitting there, tired, moody, didn't want to move, didn't want to talk. Then all of a sudden, Mimi left the court. After that, Anne left the court. They all disappeared. So, I went to the track and looked for them, they were having an argument. Remember I was moody, and I didn't want to talk at all. But in this situation, I really had to say something. I was actually saying something that I should have told myself. That's how much I understand what Anne was thinking.

I seriously didn't know where everything came from. I think it's the hormone level, or fullmoon. We just get moody for no reason. All of a sudden, we see things differently. We take a joke seriously and start to get mad at people from yelling and screaming at us. Anne was a complete reflection of myself today. Now I know how much I can make people around me get frustrated. But I just can't help it. If that's what I feel, that's what I feel, no one can change me. So, I was putting my biggest effort to make her feel better, to cheer her up. How ironic, I was moody, and I was trying to cheer people up.

See, here's a change again. I would never have done that in the past. I would never be the person who cheers people up. But now, I did that even if I am moody. What the heck is wrong with me?

So, I talked to White guy Eric about my problems. He concluded everything I said in two words: Teenage Depression, a stage when teenage realized that they have to grow up and dealing things differently. Usually this stage happened at age 17. For me, there was a little delay. Man, no wonder, I am mentally 14.

What age do you Act?

You Are 14 Years Old

14 Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe. 13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world. 20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences. 30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more! 40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.

What Age Do You Act?

Appreciate life more than ever

How could I forget to mention about the volunteer work on Monday? It's like my highlight of the week, esp when my volunteer partner, Colin was involved in my whole Osadetz incident!!! Since I did what he told me to do, he owed me a hot chocolate for my bravery. Then I found out, if he were in the same situation, although he knew that was the right thing to do, he wouldn't have done the same thing. But I actually DID it. I am so proud of myself, and SHAME on you Colin Newman!!

Although this Monday was not crazily busy, two patients passed away when I was on my shift. One of them was expected therefore the whole family was there. The other one passed away while ago because of a heart attack and he just fell in a construction site. We had to call security to take the family to the morgue. The morgue ...... I don't like this word, it sounds cold and lonely. Then I was thinking, we, human are fragile, like very fragile. When there's something wrong in our body, we literally fall apart. When the time comes, we have absolutely no control over it. Then, I realized how fortunate that my cholesterol doesn't block my arteries when I am sleeping, how lucky I am to wake up everyday and see the sunshine. All of a sudden, the sad things happened before, don't seem that sad anymore.

More exciting thing, Richard came by to visit. I was soooo happy. I gasped and ran up to give him a big hug. I haven't seen him in months. Richie is a security in University Health Network. Sometimes we were on the same shift at the TWH ER. But he switched to TGH couple months ago. I only go to TGH when I have patients there. Most of the time I stay at TWH. Anyway, extremely happy to see him since a lot of things happened in between. So, we spent some time talking before he left. OMG, I still can't believe that.

The change in me

Ever since Mike called me Saturday and told me that he has already seen the change in me these three weeks, I couldn't stop thinking about it. The most scary thing is, I can feel it too.

I am growing.
I am getting more matured. I deal with things differently.
I am turning into someone else.
I am scared the fact that I may not be myself anymore.
I used to be nice and polite, but I hanged up on someone through the phone that night. I have never done that before in my life.
I talk a lot, like alot, I can't stop. I am turning into a noisy person.
I am rough. I don't ask people to help me anymore. I tell people to help me.
I feel heartless. I swear, if this Osadetz thing happened before, it would have broken my heart. But I don't feel anything right now.

What is wrong with me?

This Osadetz thing ...... although I heard a lot of bad comments about him, I think he is a nice person, a little strange may be. I don't know. I actually don't know him that well. But the way we talked and seeing him as a vball player, I only have positive comments about him. Anyhow, things happened, but I still don't hate him, even though I should, I wish him the best. I think he is doing this to avoid further damage. I wish him happy and a good fortune. I will pray for his lost soul, and send him my blessings.

February 1, 2005

My achillies tendonitis is killing me. It's all swollen, can't walk properly. I am freaked out. I promised myself to start this after wednesday. But today is the first day of the month, why not today??? Tones of work---->screwed.