Lacking the sense of self being

I love to go swimming. I could do my thinking underwater, quiet and undisturbed. I came out with a conclusion last night after my 60 minute-swim. It's all about destiny. Toronto may not be the place for me, since I don't have the sense of belonging here. When there is no one to share when I am happy, when there is no one to listen when I am sad, when there is no one to have fun with when I am at a party, when there is no one to talk to when I am lonely, this is not a place for me. I can't live in a place like that.

Plus, right now, I really can't place myself in a big picture. What is my role? Will the world be different without me? Will the society be different without me? Will the group of people I am hanging out with be different without me? Will my workplace be different without me? When the answer is NO to all of the questions above, you know that you just don't fit in the community. Having me is just as good as nothing.

I felt better today when I saw Matt, my boss. He is the only person who makes me feel I am welcome. His big smile makes me feel that he appreciates my appearance. After working for Dr. Kahn, and having Matt as my boss now, I am just grateful that I am working for a better person. Matt is hard working and I truely wish his hard work paid off. So, after he started his advertising on Monday, we received lots of phone calls. I told my coworker that I was happy for Matt. Surprisingly, my coworker said, "It's good. Of course you are happy because you can look forward to keeping your job." I was heart broken. What's up with people's mind these days? What makes him think that I am just looking forward to keeping my job? I don't understand. I am working for a better boss. I am glad that I can work for a nice person. And I can't be happy because his hard work paid off after seeing him stressed out like crazy? Is that how people think these days? Or am I still too innocent for the real world?