I wish I could enjoy life this way

I don't know since when I love the chlorine smell of the pool in out building. I can't get enough of it. I am so tempted to go back to the pool again. However, I have too much work ahead of me, which restrains me from jumping into the water. Plus, I had water entering my ears. It was painful because of the infection. Now, I need ear plugs. I love it, can't hear any noise anymore, completely isolated from the outside world.

I know it's the Homily given on Sunday which keeps me alive during the week. Last week, I actually wasn't paying too much attention to Fr. Dominic Kong, since I had no clue what he was talking about. That's why, last week was brutal. Not only I cried almost everyday, I was kinda of depressed about life. This week, we had Fr. Peter Siu. I always understand what he says, and I felt better of the week whenever he gave the Homily. Although the positive attitude only lasts for a day, I always have his words kept in mind. I thank him so much. How could I live without the words from above through him?

Monday was volunteering day. I started with a very bad mood. That was the first day I felt like Eric wanted to avoid me completely. He didn't want to talk to me anymore, not even like friends. Basically, he may just want to erase me from his life. I was so hurt and upset about that. Why is this happening? I still care about him as a friend. I still wish him well. What on earth I have done to deserve punishment like this? I don't understand. It hurts so much that I don't feel myself worthwhile anymore, like some garbage that people want to get rid of as soon as possible. I was thinking, people always say that I am such a nice person, like an angel. May be I am an angel on the outside and evil in the inside. With my bad mood in hospital, I so wanted to go home. I felt crappier after visualizing a patient almost died in the waiting room, and telling another patient that she has lymphoma. Life is so short that we should be happy that we are still alive. Ironically, for me, I think I am taking it for granted, and upset about relationship. But I couldn't help it. My tears was held for the whole day until I saw the little note in ER,

"Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attrctive and well preserved body, but rather to skid sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaaming 'WOO HOO, what a ride'."

You know, I wish I could enjoy life this way.