Failed to be a heart breaker

Okay, now, this is the problem of not writing in couple of days. I have so much in my mind that I actually need time and space to organize.

I think I am changing to an ordinary person. I believed so much in love, and completely committed in a relationship. Everything worked out fine until the other party wanted to get out of it. Now I realize the reason why there are so many girls who don't want to be in a relationship. I realize the reason why there are girls who just want to go out with a guy for, you know, couple months, or even couple weeks. Because when we commit too much, we get hurt. Nowadays, women know how to protect themselves more than ever. That's why we are hearing a lot of men complain about how the difficulty of finding a soul mate. Well, why don't you, men, think about what you have done to us in the first place? Now, after a disappointment of a 2.75 years committed relationship, me, this girl who doesn't want commitment anymore, is created. It's not because I can't go out to meet other people after commitment is made, it will be so much harder for me to believe in commitment than before. And only Eric knows how much effort he had to put in to open my heart to him, and he totally took it for granted after that.

The moment I feel like I am ready to go out and break some hearts, I have this guy asking me out for dinner. I was upset because of my "issues". It's just messed up. Anyway, I was just looking forward to having some fun. And I found out he was actually interested in developing something with me. Now, here's a good chance to just have some romance because I know he is a very romantic guy. However, I figure, I just can't do it. The more I know about him, I don't want to hurt him this way. When I think of the pain I experienced, and probably am experiencing, how can I create the same kind of pain for another wonderful person? A person who actually cares about me? They so don't deserve that shit from a mess like me. How am I supposed to be a heart breaker? When I meet someone nice, I will probably hurt myself more to break their hearts. When I meet some jerks, who I so dare to break their hearts, why would I torture myself to go out with an a-hole in the first place?

That's why, I am failed to be a heart breaker