Hide, no seek

Haven't been here for couple of days, I was completely occupied with school work. That kept me from being emotional.

However, haven't been here for couple of days, things happened. I am more confused than ever. Things do happened, which made me nervous.

Richie was trying to pick up this vulnerable heart of mine. My heart was touched by the healing words of his. Those words were flattering that made me cried. According to him, I felt like I am the most important person on earth. I help people who are in needs. I treat patients who are in pain. He would like me to know how many people out there actually wanted to thank me for being there for them, for having me in their lives. I couldn't hold my tears, because he made me to realize that, I was more useful than I thought. I felt more worthy than ever.

Who doesn't want to fully rely on somebody? But I had this painful experience. How am I going to rely on someone else? How long does it take to build up the trust again? How do I know those are not empty promises? How How How? It's not going to happen. Today I was thinking. If I am granted the chance to go to heaven, can I hug you tight Jesus? Because I know that I can trust you and the promises are not hollow. I really want to know how that hug feels like.

So, I am pretty sure this is a "rebound". I should stop seeing him. I want to be in a relationship because I love someone, not to hold on to someone who makes me feel that I need them. Because this is not how relationship works. He made me feeling worthy. He read my mind through my eyes. Everything sounds so right but I know it's wrong indeed. I am not ready to be in a relationship.

Hide, no seek.

I don't know how I do it. But everyone thinks I am so happy. Uncle Patrick looked at me today. He always says I look beautiful. He asked me why I was so happy today. I was like, "really? do I look happy?" Sometimes, I wonder, what happened to me? God give me this power to hide my sadness so properly that no one even know I am crying. May be that's the reason why people don't need to worry about me. People don't even bother to find out what I am really thinking. I don't know why I always do that. And I don't know how I do it. I don't intentionally hide whatI am thinking. If they ask, I will tell.

The only reasons that I could think of is

1, It's a special gift from God, that my laughter has the power to influence people around me. When people see me smile, they understand what happiness is.

2, He want me to make use of that mask to find out who in this world really cares about me.