For the first time in my life

For the first time in my life, I used the word Fucked-up to describe myself. I still can't believe this word came out of my mouth when I talked to Mike on Saturday.

I would probably get fired from volunteer resource for what I have done on friday night. I did not want to comment on that because I should have known better about what I was doing. And THANKS to Mike, he made me sounded like a hypocrite, since I believed people still had a clear mind after doses of alcohol.

Now, things are getting a little messed up with Richie as well. I gave him a call on friday. Surprisingly, after he saw my miss calls on his cell phone, he didn't call me back on purpose. I asked why, he thought I might need some time to sort somthing out by myself. I totally got his message but I asked him to explain more. I would like to know what exactly what he thought I should sort out. He didn't say it out, but he wanted to know what I was thinking. So, I assumed he would like me to think about where we are going to end up. He wanted an answer from me NOW. He wanted to know if I wanted to start a relationship with him. My aunt was with me when we were talking, so I told him to give me a call after work but he never did. I bet he thinks I will call him if I want to talk about this with him. However, I don't have answer. I don't even want to think about it.

Honestly, I am still broken hearted. It hurts Richie if I don't give my all to him. But right now, I really can't do it. I don't believe in commitments anymore. I don't believe in relationship. It takes too much work and it hurts too much. I still think of Eric a lot. I read his email, think of what we did before, think of the gifts we exchanged when we were together, think of what he thinks right now...... too much too much that I can't fit in someone else. This is the two emails he sent me last year on friday, before we went to play vball,

"where are you? i'm in the ac its 3pm now i was supposed to meet u there at 2pm...i'm calling and calling and calling............please come to me"

"as soon as i hit the send button from the last email...i turn around and you were walking in here....you are checking the locks now....thats the same thing i did when i came to look for you...u know what honey, we are no doubt meant for eachother...

hmm what should i do...u still don't know that i am staring at you writing this email...i guess you are just as blind as me i'll just go scare the heck outta you... "

Like I still remember exactly what happened last year March 19th, and the reaction I had when I found out he was standing right behind me. And it still hurts me a lot when I read these two emails he sent me. I thought Richie would be more understanding and caring than pushing me for an answer right now.

With Eric, I talked rude to him on msn on friday night, after the alcoholic doses. I didn't even remember what I said but I received two emails from him the next day. He said he wanted to wish me happy birthday but I was talking mean. Therefore he didn't say anything. He didn't come to town this weekend, and he mentioned about meeting me next week. I don't know if it's a good idea. Honestly, I miss him a lot. Meeting him will make me to think about him more, which will totally screw up my school work.