Clarians' Syndrome

Last night, I had the worst volunteering night ever, I believed. I went home after school because I forgot to bring an umbrella. I still think it's the coffee. I was crying for like 10 minutes because I couldn't find my umbrella at home. Then, I was thinking, may be I shouldn't go volunteer because I am emotionally disturbed. But then, I didn't want to do work because of the stressful BIO370 day. So, I decided to go. I thought Colin would be there so I could talk to him. But he didn't show up. My head was serioulsy going to blow up. And I fricking cried in the emerge, out of nothing. Therefore, 1.5 hours after, I left. I just couldn't go on. Man, I couldn't believe I have to go through this.

I called Kenneth, felt better after talking to him. We discussed some relationship problems. I told him everything about what happened lately. After 8 years of friendship, he analyzed that I have one of those Clarians' syndrome. Well, that's really too bad, and so hard for me not to have the characteristics of Clarians after being there for my entire life, from kindergarden to highschool, same school, same people. What the heck do you expect? So, I guess, for these couple of weeks, I am just going to focus on school. Yes, I am stressed out like crazy. I swear, if I don't have my religion to back me up, I would have killed myself long time ago.

With the stress level I am experiencing now, and the reaction I give, I have doubt about going to nursing. Comparing to the pressure for working in healthcare environment, school is nothing. And I already cry every single minute for school stress. I really doubt my ability to handle the stressful environment in a health care setting. I doubt my competence in dealing with different difficult situations of different patients. I am having second thoughts about going into this stressful profession.

I had coffee today again. I rely on coffee, and it gives me anxiety at the end of the day. I bring my Rosary today, just in case I want to cry again.