I was 'this' close to visualize death again

It's March!!! My birthday month!!! I wish myself a happy birth-month lol

Again, Monday was volunteer night. I was actually ashamed to write what happened last night, since I thought I have done something wrong. So, there was a patient with pulmonary fibrosis. Her family asked me if she could go up to the bedroom and stayed with her husband since her husband was also a patient in the hospital. I thought it was okay since she had to wait for 6 hours anyway. I asked someone else inside emerge and she said it was okay. I just needed to write down information about the extension and where the room was. So I did all that and told them they could go. Probably two minutes later, I saw her family members standing around. The patient was on stretcher, going straight to rescue. Her grandson told me that she just collapsed all of a sudden. Damn...and I just told her that she could go. I felt so bad afterwards. Then the nurse asked me where her family members were. They actually went upstairs and told her husband what happened. So as soon as she came back, I took her to the quiet room. The nurse stopped me on our way to the quiet room, since the resuscitation room door was opened. She could walk by and see what happens inside and freaked out. I was so stupid. Then Richie came by. I felt so so bad. I left for a little while with Richie, just to take a break. I talked to him for a little but that didn't make me feel a lot better. I went back to emerge after a while, still feel bad. I was so glad that I talked to that nurse before I left. She told me almost exactly what richie told me. She was telling me not to think too much about tonight since that's a situation we have no control over with. They would have told them the same thing, would have done the same thing. I felt so much better after that, and then me and Richie went out for dinner.

So, issue with eric. I found out may be he didn't really intent to ignore me. I have been restraining myself not to talk to him. But sometimes, I just can't. I feel comfortable telling him stuff that I experienced, like what happened last night. I hope he is glad that I still share my life experience with him. Except I couldn't tell him about Richie. I wish I am not sending false messages to Richie. I didn't go to the hospital to meet him. We just bumped into each other at the corridor when I was on my way to pee. Then we went out for dinner. I like his accompany, but I am not sure if this is going anywhere besides friendship. Well, he said he really likes me, but I don't know about myself. I don't think I am ready, and I really don't want to hurt him. I can't think right now. Plus, I don't want to be in a relationship right now. That's the most important I guess. And I don't want to ruin our friendship.

omg, coffee is really diuretic, or is it my bladder? No, it has to be the coffee!!!