What a weekend

This is a crazy yet enjoyable weekend. For the longest time, I haven't been feeling the joy of meeting people.

Miguel came back from Madrid. He spent his Christmas and New Year over there, his home country. Colin and I met him for a drink on Friday night and shared our experience over the holidays. So there was this little tradition in Spain at new years eve. During the period when the bell swings 12 times to make 12 pounding sounds, people need to swollow 12 raisins in order to get a good year. Now people, you guys have a year to practise.

After the Meteor Garden, I am poisoned by another series, the Full House. Although this is a Korean series, it is still very touching. The more I watch it, the more I understand the meaning in between, the prettier is the love, the sadder I get. Well, only I know how to write a good movie report to discuss about everyone's characters. There is happiness that's speechless, but there are also pain at the bottom of their hearts.

There was a Chinese New Year special concert at the Skydome on Sunday. The only thing that surprised me was the touching moment of how Visa students miss home. At that instant second, I realized how long I have not gone home for chinese new year. I was crying uncontrollably when they started singing the song, A letter to my parents. "Papa, mama, how are you? Are you doing well back home? Are you busy at work lately? Toronto is good, and I am doing well. Please do not worry about me. I really want to come back for the new year as well, but I am occupied with the work in there. Remember to take care of yourself so I don't have to be worried. I know I am lazy that I don't write a lot, but I will send you emails. Take care"

Family

It's this time of the year again. Time to think about what I am going to do for the rest of my life. I try not to be too stressful for all the applications I made. However, it's quite impossible to deal with it in a sit-back relaxed mode.

Camie, my cousin, chatted with me last time I was on msn. I was surprised to hear that big auntie was in the hospital. She had an operation done WITHOUT telling anybody. I mean although it's not a big surgery, half of her lung was removed. I guess she has the responsibility to tell her family. Camie told me about it and immediately I told her to inform my dad, since my dad is auntie's big brother. So my dad's going to visit her tomorrow probably. Thinking about the issue of "not telling your family what's going on with you", I can so relate it to myself. I guess I am that kind of person. I tend not to share my worries with my parents. Then when they find out the issue, they are mad at me. But now I realize what I told Camie the other night. Your family is always there to support you no matter what happen. Don't ever say that you don't want to bother them with little issues. Share your worries with them because they will only suggest what's the best for you.

Going into the shower, thoughts eventually got a little deeper. When it comes to giving and receiving, I have been thinking that everybody owes me the whole world. I have been complaining 'bout how come people don't really care about me, like if I am there, or check if i am doing fine when I am upset, or to see if I am getting better when I am sick, or if they want to help out in my decision when i am frustrated, etc. Although I always say that God give me this present of giving, I may not have it indeed. I tend to help a lot of anonymous people, people that I don't expect to receive anything back when I give the care. For my friends, people who have names in my life, I may not give the same level of care. Therefore, I should never be complaining how other people treat me, how others don't even notice I am there, etc. But here comes the important role of family. I admit, that I take them for granted. They care about me no matter how shitty I treat them. And more substantially, they still don't expect anything back from me (well besides my mom). I guess that's the difference between friends and family.

I should surely know that although I may be a loner in the society, my family is always there to back me up.

Happy New Year

Happy New Year!!!! Don't worry, be happy. "Hakuna Matata"

There was a YOSAC new years party on the 31st. Unfortunately I didn't manage to participate due to some technical problem. When I looked at the pictures they took in the party, I was kinda glad that I wasn't there. Just because I can so picture myself being uncomfortable in that kind of environment. I would rather stay at Auntie's place. Therefore, I spent a very quiet, peaceful and joyful new year.

I found out that I am more uncomfortable in joining social events like this than before. In the past, I didn't want to go b/c I didn't know anybody. Now, I don't want to go b/c I don't want to talk to nobody. I know there are friends out there who really cares about me. However, my heart is still so cold so dark, still frowning.

Favourite phase of the week: Hey, I am a loner.

Two weeks of holiday flied like a blink. And here I am, turning myself into an ordinary couch potato. With the arrival of the new DVD player, we (me and sis) successfully finished 3 TV series in just a couple of days. Going to bed at 5 in the morning and waking up at 2pm is so much fun. Unfortunately, this kind of life ended by the first day of work in 2006.

We watched Japanese "Son in Law, Your Highness", Korean "Full House" (highly recommended), Chinese "Healing hands". And now, we are watching something called 'conflicts in the forbidden city'.

Merry Christmas

I really haven't been here in a while. However, I felt lucky that I have a chance to post something on this Christmas Day. Merry Christmas to everybody.

It has been really busy this month, with both school and work. I should be more proud of myself than before, just because I received some christmas presents from my patients. They thought of me when they did their christmas shopping. At least I am not as pathetic as I thought of myself.

In this season of giving and sharing, not only I received, I also gave. That's why I was busy with my christmas shopping right after my exam on the 19th. Aunties and Uncles from church are so nice to me all through the year. They take care of me, give rides, provide accommodations, assist me with anything I need. This is the time to say thank you and show them how much I appreciate with their help, although sometimes I really wish my own dad is with me. So, starting from Tuesday, I went to Eaton Centre 3 days in a row. Getting presents not only for them, but also for coworkers at the clinic. I was surprised that I received christmas presents from them. Thinking about the christmas time I had at meditech.....wasn't very pleasant...but anyways, i remember we had a nice dinner together. We didn't have christmas dinner at this clinic because my boss is Jewish. They celebrate Hannuka instead.

Can't believe it's the end of the year already. This is almost one year after the break up. I saw him last week at pick up volleyball. I don't know if this is even worthwhile to write about anymore because i didn't really talk to him. I didn't know what to say and didn't want to listen any crap he was gonna throw at me. So ya, a year eh..... [speechless with a big sigh]

Continue to complain

A year ago I was terrified of not being able to graduate because I thought I was gonna go through another year of dark, distressful life. Therefore, I studied like mad. I studied like there was no tomorrows just to get my ass out of school. With my university degree, that piece of paper, I made my parents satisfied and I would be able to do whatever I want. I would be able to live my life happily with no stress.

Now, I realized things don't quite come out the same way as I imagined. As a pisces, I was probably a little too creative in visualizing my life beyond graduation. Darkness did not go away. Tears still fall as usual. Laughters did not come in pitches. Stress did not become desserts.

Two nights in a week, I cried alone at home. Not only my tears fell, I helplessly cried out. I need a reason, a reason for myself to drop my tears. Otherwise, I would be clinically depressed. I am not clinically depressed. I know that.

The first night was because of me watching Gilmore Girls by myself at home. Loralai welcomed Rory to come home although she dropped out of college, lost her job, ran away from home+grandparents' home. Rory would like to share the happiness with her mother because she found herself a new job, a company she has been longing to get into. They had not seen each other for months and they finally hugged. AT the same moment, my nose went sour.

That was a really really sweet scene except may be I was a little jealous. That's something that I am never going to enjoy, to experience--mother supporting daughter for whatever she is doing. Every single time, she would not wait to tell me how much she has sacrifice for me and that's the reason why I should not go back to nursing school for another 4 years.

The second night was Sunday night, the Q&A session with Justin. I know it's not because of Justin, my Godbrother, but the whole picture of me with his family. First of all, I already felt like an orphan whenever they talked about how their kids behaved when they took them to church like 20 years ago. Then Auntie gave me cut eye everytime she caught me looking at her, or talking to her two sons. So, I tried not to talk to them in her presence. I know Uncle loves me, I still need to have conversation with Uncle. The fact that she is not happy with me for whatever reason bugs me a lot. Honestly, I could not think of anything that I have had offended her. And this is a burden for not only me, but also herself for not being happy with me. I wish I could help her that's why I talk to Justin about it. But it seems like Justin is a little too occupied with his girl lately and have absolutely no time to deal with this kind of soap business. It's not like he cares anyways. I was thinking of... may be she is not happy with me invading into her family. She is satisfied with a family of four. It may be disturbing for me just being there. In other words, my existence causes trouble.

Now I am upset with myself. I am pretty sure everybody in this world is not completely satisfied with their lives. They must have somekind of obstacles, dark times, stressful situations. Why am I the only one who is complaining constantly?