Deep trouble young lady

Two days ago I got upset stomach because of this.
Today, I start to blame myself again for having this feeling.

If you check if this person's online every five minutes,

you're in trouble.

If you want to take every single chance to talk to him,

you're in deeper trouble.

If you know you're gonna miss this person when you leave Toronto,

it does no good for you.

If this person appears in your every single prayer,

please, I beg you, try your best to get out of your own realm.

One week ago, I totally have a feeling that I am attracted to a person who I certainly think there should not be any feelings involved. The day after that, I learned about this person. After another round of small chats, missing this person too much became one of my bad habits.

Since I can't share this with anyone, I can only put this into words. I am frustrated about my relationship with this person, however, his struggle is way more difficult than what I am going through. I pray everyday to be a humble servant of Him. Acknowledging that I am not His tool will be the most brutal fact to know.

For a person whose love for God is deeper than the ocean, restricting him to take this relationship to another level is a torture.
My struggle on this issue is not important anymore.

What truely matters is his future. I wish him the best.

If he is meant to be educating God's ppl, pulling him away from what he is doing will be the biggest sin on earth. I will not forgive myself for that.
If he is meant to be God's humble servant, he will be a very effective tool of God, the descendant of the church foundation.

If he decided this is what he's gonna do, I can see he can achieve it, and he is more than competent for it.
If he is meant to be God's humble servant, I wish I could be Clare of Francis of Assisi. Make me the one who follow my teacher's footstep to serve and love God.

Let us be good companions in the love of God.

Hesitation

......Hesitation......
Still don't know if it's a good idea to keep a record of this

Remember the last time you don't have control over a situation......
Remember how much you hate it because you get nervous all the time......
Remember how bad it turned out and you wish it had never happened.......

My Lord if it's not supposed to happen, please don't let this happen.

This is like unnecessary stress.

Right...still hesitating......

Darkness slowly fades away

Thirteen months ago, I went through the darkest day of my life, had the saddest entry ever. Last week, this vulnerable girl is finally courageous enough to let it out.

Thanks to a friend who cares enough to spend such a long time to listen.
Thanks to a friend who sincerely concerns about the decision about my future.
Thanks to a friend who is willing to find out my past experience.
Thanks to a friend who tells me that I have not wasted other ppl's time.

The part of memory which has a direct signal to my tear gland is finally shared, although I still don't know if it's a good idea. It will not help with the situation. If it's revealed, it can lead to two results: ppl care, or they don't. If ppl care, they feel bitter. If it's the latter, someone turns to the most pathetic trash ever.

Let's just be happy with the fact that somebody doesn't think that it's a waste of time listening to my problems.

Good Friday

Wow, amazing. It's just Amazing! You know how it feels with you absolutely know that Jesus is with you always?

Now it's probably because it's Good Friday, we catholic choose to be with Him. On Holy Thursday night, He had the last supply with his disciples. He created the sacrement of Eucharist for us. Then he went to the garden to pray to God, the Agony in the Garden. That was the most beautiful prayer ever. Jesus is God, but in the prayer, it also showed the humanity in Him. He was spiritually weak because he knew he was going to be crucified. He prayed to God like child's cry came from his heart.

"Abba, Father, all things are possible to you; remove this cup from me. Yet not my will but yours be done" (Mark 14:36)

Jesus, the lamb for the burnt offering, has to die and rises again to save us. From this, he leads us to eternal life. He is willing to sacrifice for us. And all he asks for is to be with him when he prays, when he's weak in the garden, when he is carrying the cross to Golgotha, when he is nailed to the cross, when he shows us his mother, when he dies.

Happy are those who are Christians. We are with the Christ. We remember his wounds, his death and his resurrection. He lives in us, and we live in Him.

A Blog at Narita

Eighteen days flew by crazilly fast. Here I am now, at Narita airport. Talking to Kenneth last night made me realized that there are several important people in my life. I will contact those people whenever I come to HK. And it's a pleasure for them because a friend from far away remember them, at least Kenneth thinks it that way. I wish Char thinks the same too.

Before getting on the flight, I was trying so hard to contact Char. Due to the promise I made at our last sight, I had to call him again before I leave. I decided not to bug him too late last night cos the "the Toad Prince" show was a little too attractive to pull me away from the TV. Then I called in the morning, nobody picked up the phone. I prayed to God, please make this a good conversation between us. With a depressing mood, I called Fei Lam instead while rushing to the gate. I had 5 minutes left. Talking to Fei Lam was relaxing. He is always supporting and decides the best for me, except on a vball court. We are always opponents, so he wants to beat me instead. Anyways, I boarded the flight after hanged up with him. Still thinking if I should call him, Char. Okay, I will give it a last try. Nobody picks up at the office. Let's try the cell. FINALLY, somebody picked up the phone. And that was exactly the voice I had been longing for.

Thank God it was a nice chat, no long enough though. I had so much to say, but I didn't have a chance. When I heard the captain started talking, I guess I said the most important phrase of the whole conversation. "I will miss you very much." I laughed, he chunkled. Is he gonna to take it seriously? Or a joke? The thing is, when Kenneth mentioned that it was a pleasure for people who heard anything from me when I came to HK, I was thinking, would he think it's a pleasure? Is he happy to meet me when I come to HK? Here are the things I planned to tell him/talk about at our last phone call today but I didn't do so: most importantly THANK him for the buffet dinner he took me, ask him about which church he goes to, if he receives the birthday card I send him almost every year, all these years we have been knowing each other.

Now the first topic was simply because I forgot to do so at every single chance I had. And I still forgot about it this time. I shall remind myself.

I remember he mentioned about his religion last year. He is a catholic as well. Yesterday I sneaked out to Sunday mass when I got one hour break with nobody home. I went to the church at Aberdeen. In the middle of the mass, I thought of him. May be he come to the same church since he lives at Aberdeen. And I sincerely wish that he is a catholic who goes to church every Sunday. That's the least he should do.

He has never said anything about the birthday card I sent him. So does it mean he doesn't receive it? Or does it mean he doesn't appreciate it? It will be so depressing if it's the latter. Don't worry, I will keep mailing. Remember I said I will miss him very much?

All these years we have been knowing each other. It's amazing. I found it amazing that I still contacted him even though I was in a relationship for these years. Since he is Prof Lai's researcher, he probably has known me for a very long time, but I only started noticing him 1998, the year I left Hong Kong. We have known each other for 8 years. At that time, he was the only reason I didn't want to leave. However, I doubt that we would become that close if I didn't leave. 8 years, he has seen me growing up from a little girl, through the golden years of a girl, and now starting to get old. I wonder what kind of the change he sees in me. For him, I can only see the exact same person, working at the same place, volunteering for the same organization. For these 18 days, I met him 3 times, first time for the blood collection, second time for the buffet dinner and finally the report. I enjoy every single second we had together. Sometimes, I will be too worried about the next second. I would wish the night to end here so to make it perfect. How stupid of me. Surprisingly, I dislike something about him. He is like being an alcoholic in my situation. Not only it won't help with the condition, it will make it worse. See he is a bad patient himself.

For a person who has a very special status in my heart, I keep him there with guards. (no...i didn't mean to lock him up, just miss him :P)