You're not alone baby

This weekend has been a BLAST! I love it. I LOVE YOU LORD.

I love you lord and I lift my voice to worship you

all my soul rejoices

take joy my king in what you hear

let it be a sweet sweet sound in your ear

Our long awaited Solemn Profession for Sr. Teresa Magdalene of the Passion took place on Saturday. As a choir member, I think we led well. Sister said we had angelic voice and the songs moved people's hearts, including ours. We cried, and we cried harder because we can all feel God's love was embracing us at the moment. I am sure he has been working so hard for the event. He came to the choir practices and made sure everything was going well.

After the mass, Fr Dan came up to me, showed his acquaintance. Then he invited me for dinner downtown. I was so surprised cos I would never imagine myself having close relationship with a father, like other people. Most people from our church are born catholic or are baptized for a long time. Therefore, Fathers recognized them. But I would still consider myself as a freshman. Even the Father who baptized me wouldn't know what I am. The Lord once again tell me that "you are not alone baby."

Auntie Uncle, I really want to go to Medugorje. But I really don't have the money to go. There are gonna be various things going on in May. That's why I cannot make any decisions right now. On the other hand, I still have a very strong feeling of a sinner myself. I am not worthy to visit the door of heaven yet. Work hard to be Holy would be crucial to show respect to such a Holy place.

When I got home today, guess what I received in my email inbox? It's from Fr Roland Jablonski. I can't believe Fr Roland still remembers me. He sent me ecard for Chinese New Year two years in a row. Thank you Lord for sending me angels around me, once again telling me that "you are not alone baby."

May the Lord bless you and protect you.May He show you His countenance and have mercy on you.May He turn His face to you and give you peace. May the Lord bless you, Dear Monika!

Roland Jablonski OFM

Standing beside him today gave me a very wonderful feeling that I haven't had in a while. Although I hate to make conversation, I did it. We shake our hands to send each other blessings for the Chinese New Year. You know, this is really something close to impossible. But I keep praying praying and praying. As Sr Fung said, I will use my angelic voice to seduce Jesus, to seduce Him to give me something precious, even though it's too hard, too good to be true. Now I must make myself worthy to receive such a precious gift. Live a Holy life, work hard for Holy being would be the key. Honestly, peaceful that I feel when I look at him. And for sure there is a motivation for me to be Holy, and stay focus in mass. Anyways, too much on him for today's blog.

Mental retreat

After an emotional breakdown last weekend, I went to a mental retreat during the week. I had a chance to spend some time at the bookstore and read one of the most amazing book I have ever read. Since the religious section of the bookstore is kind of quiet so I can sit there all day. Reading one of Mother Teresa's books grants me a peaceful heart. They answered most of the questions I have had for a couple of weeks. They modified my way of thinking to make me a happier person. It's like Jesus is sending a message to me (or may be he is :D)

Mother Teresa taught me to pray, to give and to love. There are more, but the store was closing at that time.

One very important idea that brought to my mind was that, sometimes I get discouraged in love and charity because I don't feel like I am needed. Needless to say that I don't feel important most of the time. In fact, Mother Teresa taught us not to want to be needed. If we get discouraged when doing charity, it's a sign of pride. I don't like the word pride. Pride can only make people to see themselves and forget about what's important in the first place. I should really look in the mirror to see if I can find traces of pride in myself.

Knowing that it's so hard to do what's written in there for we are all mortals, I will try my best to work on them. First of all we need to pray more to call for help, to take away the pride I have. Then teach me to act and speak God's love. Do some sacrifice in giving and sharing.

A Vaccay for Silence

Only if we don't have to care about so much in life;
Only if air tickets are not that expansive;
Only if the application deadlines are not the end of this month;
I WILL DEFINITELY LEAVE FOR A VACATION.

It's been a while since the last time I have any physical contact with the nature. No matter it's the leaves dancing in response to the wind,
or the waves running back and forth along the seashore,
or the breeze gently touches my face carrying the scent of the ocean,
or the silence you hear, the calmness you feel, the reflection of yourself you see at the centre of a lake,
or the spots of light you see in the sky while fireflies and stars are indistinguishable.
It has been too too too long.

"It seems only the old are able to sit next to one another and not say anything and still feel content. The young, brash and impatient, must always break the silence. It is a waste, for silence is pure. Silence is holy. It draws people together because only those who are comfortable with each other can sit without speaking. This is the great paradox." Nicholas Sparks, the Notebook.

Silence can pull people apart. But acccording to Sparks, it can draw people together. I really do wish the latter, for making unnecessary conversation is not one of my favourites.

Silence can bring my thoughts together. By connecting the thoughts, one could come up with something really powerful. Small ideas could lead to very creative ones. Good memories could lead to smiles in heart. But sad memories bring tears and scars.

The most needed right now:
A vacation in the seek of silence as an insulation, isolating from streetlights, building, applications, papers, beeps, vehicles, ..., people.

Draw a house

Wanna see the house I created?

FULL HOUSE

Stressed

People told me that desserts is the reverse of stressed. Right, that's right. I tried my best to believe it. However, it's not quite the situation.

Stress could be caused by the past, present and the future. The failure in the past created the stress at the moment which leads the stress in planning the future. Stress could also be caused by the surrounding environment, like working environment or the loads of readings we need to catch up. It could also be stressful if we see a bluried windshield when we are trying to find out what is there down the road.

For now, the only difference between working and going to school is the nature of stress. We all know we are stressful in school. We know how many cups of coffee we need each day. We know how many pages of psychology textbook we have to go through this day. We know how many muscles we need to memorize for this lecture. We know how many more pages to write before we hand in this essay. We know what grade we need to achieve for this exam and we know how many hours of study we have to do.

At work, I lose track of the number of coffee I need. We don't have any textbook to read. We don't have muscles or blood vessels to memorize. We don't have due dates for essays. There is no exams and no study has to be done before a certain date. So where is the stress?

That's something I have never understood when I was in school. Even if I am working right now, there is still a big heavy piece of stone on top of my head. It came from nowhere. The only source of this stone can only come from the same old question (what am I gonna do for the rest of my life?) This is a really weird feeling that it seems like there is nothing I can do to take away this stone. It mainly because I can't find the origin of it. It's so terrifying due to the fact that it seems like it's gonna stay there forever.

Anyways, back to my life:
Crazy choir practice for the coming week. It feels like we are verbally interpreting the music score instead of singing, just like a whole bunch of zombie. Right, I am a zombie again, a brainless zombie.
Volleyball season just started last week and I played like crap. I am trying my best to get rid of my bad habits. Hopefully it wouldn't take too long to get back to my full power. Wait, have I ever reached my full strenght before? Probably not. For some reasons, I have less and less confident in the front court. Too worried about getting injured again? Too focus on my bad habits?
Or is my head visiting London, Rome and Madrid this week?