I felt blessed

I called Fei Lam out of the bored one night. I told him about what happened at clubbing night. Out of nowhere...I probably talked to him about Nomis. Wait, no, that was Monday night, cos I remembered telling him I am going to meet Nomis the next day. So, Monday night, we talked about the clubbing night. Out of nowhere, he said I actually deal with everybody with my heart. I open my heart to people that's why people like me. Although I don't feel the same way, I feel blessed. I thought of our beloved Pope John Paul II. He brought love and peace to the world by opening his heart to show the wonderous love of God. The could feel the peace when you look at him. I don't know how to put this in words. But if opening your heart to other people could bring love and peace to the world, I should do that more often. If that's what the Pope did, I shall follow.

So after seeing the stressful Nomis on Saturday, I met him again on Tuesday. I was so glad that he shared his stressful life with me so I could say something to make him feel better. On Tuesday, he was less stressful. His back felt better. He slept okay the night before. I saw him smiling, finally, I smiled harder. I was so happy I helped, may be just a little. He told me that things are working fine for him. He is getting his new place on May 1st instead of June 1st. So he is moving at the end of the month. Immediately we became friends under a relaxed atmosphere. It's bad I know. Hopefully Matt won't notice about it. He said he was going to have his last treatment today, which I wasn't going to be there. But surprisingly he called to change the appointment to tomorrow. And guess who picked up his call today? Matt was on the phone at the moment, and Chris was dealing with something on the phone, so I talked to him. Man..... I think I still see him as a patient right now because he still comes for treatments. I think I will starting seeing him as a friend after tomorrow, may be......

Oh...now I should know how to make myself happy. I make myself happy by helping other people, be a listener for them, or advisor. I would be happy if I could bring the happiness to others. Right, I have to do that often.

Don't know how to make myself happy

Again, whenever I want to write something in here, my brain is kinda a mess. I don't really know how to relate everything in my mind right now. Let's start with something easier.

I met that patient again on saturday. We talked. I knew he had a bad back. His first response of the question "how are you?" was always good, which I knew he wasn't feeling good at all. He looked tired. His back was bothering him so much that it kept him from sleeping well. I was actually a little worried about his situation, because he was not getting any better. We talked about something else besides the treatment. He did have a really stressful life. And I believed some of the back pain came from his stress. I read his chart. He was depressed. Therefore, I tried to watch out what I was saying. It turned out well. He enjoys the stress that he is having right now. And most importantly, he is looking forward to be suscessful. Moving and opening his own business cause the stresses. I wish I could help. However, I don't know what I could do. I know I am going to be friends with this person because he will join our poker tournament in the summer.

I cried like a baby at the Pope's memorial mass. His grace and peace just came out of nowhere. He reminded me God's wonderous love. During the mass, they talked about the reason why the Pope was so popular all over the world. It's the way he dealt with people, just like the relationship between God and us. No matter who he talked to, the other party felt he/she was the most important person in the world. Just like what I think all the time, I may be nobody to a lot of people. But I am somebody in God's eyes because he created me and he loves me. I am important in this world because I am the salt of the earth, the light of the world.

Because of a friend's birthday, I went clubbing with my friends. I didn't have much fun, as usual since I didn't really want to be there. Anyways, everything happened for a reason, there was one special thing happened. Here's the conversation:

Him: are you having fun?
Me: okay....so so
Him: why are you always shy and quiet?
Me: cos I am not happy most of the time
Him: Why? What's missing?
Me: I don't know
Him: What will make you happy?
Me: (speechless)....I don't know...
Him: You have to tell me
Me: I really don't know

I thank him so much. I thank him for asking me how I feel and show the concern that he wants to make me happy. But sadly, I don't know what I could do to make myself happy. For the whole day today, I thought of the cross that I am carrying. I think I am doing okay with the verticle stroke of the cross, which represents my relationship with God. But I think I don't know how to handle the horizontal stroke of the cross, which represents my relationship with people on earth. I have a problem in telling people how I feel. I can't believe I am that stubborn. After all these Gospel I received, I still failed to share my worries with other people. I still think that I am a mess which nobody wants to deal with.

Then it comes to another problem. In today's bible sharing, we talked about the greatest commandment. "You shall love your neighbour as yourself." Matthew 23:39
So what am I going to do? I sure will and try my best to make other people happy, but not for myself, because I don't know how to.

Another sad thing, I don't know since when I changed to a player. Since this friend showed his care, I talked to him. We sat aside and talked. We hugged. When we left, I heard two guys talking.

J: You hate her don't you?
D: No i don't
J: Stop lying, you have a PhD in hating players
D: No I don't

I stared at him. Since when i changed to a player? He didn't even know what we talked about, why I behaved the way I behaved, and basically why I am who I am. I didn't know what happened but I am a player. Viola! I cried again today in mass, for the whole time. Reasons: I don't know how to make myself happy, I have problems with the horizontal stroke of the cross, and I am a player.

Electing a new Pope

Trust God in selecting the new Holy Father of the Roman Catholic Church. That's all we could do.

I have reading the newspaper about how the world concerns about the new leader of our church. Pope John Paul II's footsteps was very hard to follow. Not only our new Holy father needs to take care of God's sheeps, to bring love and peace to the world, but also he needs to deal with the politics, which leads to phenomenon that goes against the church's teachings. Commentators suggest we should have a more modern Pope to deal with the modern world. The old rules cannot be applied anymore. He has a whole new world to take over.

In my opinion, he has a whole new mess to take over. As I was just talking to a patient today. I admired how Pope John Paul II ignored the critizism of the outsiders about his comment on birth control. And of course, same sex marriage is not allowed under our rule.

We, human created this world, so-called a whole new world which old rules can't apply . This gives me an impression that the return of God wouldn't be long. Since the mess here is getting out of control and it's just going to get worse, I would come back and judge my people if I were Him. But I also understand the wonderous generosity of God. He is giving us more and more time to prepare ourselves, to get ready for the big day. We should behave and be prepared.

Do not be afraid

"A good and faithful servant of God has been called home."

I haven't met him before, but he sure touched my heart.
Thinking about him alone gives me peace.
Visualizing his peaceful smile makes me feel love.
God's wonderous love has been fully shown upon our beloved Pope, John Paul II.

It was not a sad day, but joy, for the relief, and finally home. We shouldn't be more selfish to hold on to him longer.

His teachings make me review my life. For the last moment, he was still faithful, very faithful.

"We should still have hope even though we are suffering."

And not only once he told us not to be afraid. We are the salt of the earth, light of the world. Let us be hopeful, faithful at all times, and be not afraid. With this attitude, let us bring peace and love to the world.

Day of Appreciation

Thank you Lord!!! It was so nice and warm outside so I went to school happily. Since I have to finish my assignment, I went to the lab earlier than usual. That's why I missed the first round of shower. I knew that cos I saw some classmates came in the classroom like a "wet chicken". The rain stopped after class so I had a chance to grab some food w/o getting wet. Then after the BIO370 class, I went to con hall earlier for the genetics class. Right before the class started, I asked the guy if it was raining outside, as he just came in. I looked at him. I was like "oh...." I knew the answer from just looking at him lol. And you don't understand how sure I was that it was going to be sunshine again when the lecture finished and I had to walk to the subway. Thank you Lord.

Although I didn't treat a lot of patient today, I had so much fun. Matt was great and we are getting along well. I came up with some conclusion of mine today. I finally agreed with the complements people made on me. Right, I have to agree, I am good at patients interaction. Thanks to my volunteering work. I didn't waste my time in the hospital. Besides personal satisfaction, I also learned interaction, which is the basis of survival in this world. However, my interaction skills is only good at patient, or business level. It doesn't get any further.

Also, I give care to patients. I don't have a problem with that. Because I know that I am a health care provider. I don't expect anything back from the patients. However, I am still mad at my friends. I think it's partially because I really do expect something from them. Is it bad to expect something from my friends?

It's weird. I have been trying to call Eric S. I couldn't reach him for the whole 2 weeks. What happened to him?

Our beloved Pope's situation has been worsen. Let's pray Rosary for him.