Need a brainwasher

I can't believe it's almost the end of June. And I can't believe I didn't work very hard on this blog for the month. I have a reason, reasons may be. I need a brainwasher. The images of nomis still scatter in my brain. I refused to write them down because I don't want to remember how stupid I am right now when I look at my blog again like 10 years later.

yes... i confessed to Colin last night, that I still thought of him, a lot. I mean wtf am I thinking? Although we just met each other twice outside the clinic, I remembered a lot of things from him. Why? I remembered the way he smiled, the way he thought, the way he kissed me, the way he touched me, the way he slept, the way he said thank you, the way he handed me the water. And now we are not talking to each other. As I was talking to congee last night, we completely evapourated from each other's life. All it remained is pieces of memory mushrooming in my pig head. I hate it. I HATE IT. Then I asked myself, well what the hell do you want? If you want him that much, call him or stock him or do watever you can. But no, i don't want him back. See how bad I need a brainwasher? or I need something to hit my head and causes some memory loss.

Convocation

Although I am really tired right now, I have to do this entry since there are so many new things I just figured out these couple of days. And I am afraid that I am gonna forget.

First of all, I had my convocation yesterday. Obviously my parents were more excited than I did. For some reasons I wasn't too proud of myself. I thought I deserved it but it could have been something better. I promise, that I will be more proud during my next convocation.

I saw Eric S yesterday. We had the ceremony together. He looked so different with his glasses. I thought he was going to do his masters but he's gonna stay here and work instead, making some good money. We were talking about our careers, the "my parents want me to do ...." talk. It has been great seeing him again cos I have been trying to call him ever since march. Anyways, I wasn't aware of the way he looked. Amo told me that he looked like simon in a way. I was like.... omg...she was so right. Gees... that's so scary... and it feels weird now. eric is simon, simon is eric.

Then, it's my mother. It's good that my parents are only staying for a week. I don't think I can't stand my mother more than that. She complains about everything. EVERY-FRICKING-SINGLE-THING. She talks like a typical chinese who doesn't know how to enjoy life in Toronto and that's why HK is always a better place to live. And omg..she is sooo fricking loud and rude. Comments made every second and most of them were negative. I found it fairly difficult, challenging to satisfy her, to make her happy. I mean what am I supposed to do? I am getting more stressful when more complaints are made. omg.. when you ask her before head, she says it doesn't matter. But in reality, it does fricking matter. Man.... 3 more days to go... .. 72 hrs....

LIfe Lesson 2

Sunday night, Amo and I was trying to pick up our parents from the airport at night. My uncle, aunt and Katie were there as well. Auntie Windy asked me how come my aunt wasn't gonna pick us up to the airport as well. Somehow I had the same question in mind, but I also had the answer so I just never bothered to wonder. We were early and the flight was delayed. When parents arrived, uncle and aunt picked all of us up and drove us back to their place. How ridiculous!! They did that without even letting us know. So, we had to go back downtown after that. And we were so prepared for our parents to come over to OUR place. C'mon, we are a family whom should be staying together. They are just gonna be here for a week. I just don't think Uncle and aunt respected us at all cos they never talked to us about their plan. I was so pissed off when I was in the car. I wasn't happy to sit in their car in the first place. And why are they taking my parents to their place???

When I got home, I was still really pissed off. And I need a punch bag for sure, but I can't hit my sis lol. So I called my Auntie Angel in Singapore. Unfortunately she wasn't available to talk to me at that moment. Then I saw coach Kenneth's number, I called him. I talked to him about what happened at the airport. He was trying to comfort me by dragging me away from the topic. He told me that he broke up with rach, which i kinda predicted. I am not trying to be rude, but rach is too much of a troublesome girl for a mature man. Although I am rach's very good friend, sometimes I can't stand her because she is too self-centred, inconsiderate in a way. Anyway, I then told him about simon. I told him that I learned a valuable life lesson from this ridiculous experience.

It's so funny that he said I am growing up. I have to admit that I am growing up lol. I know I rely on somebody a little too much sometimes. I really should take care of myself before learning to take care of two people. Anyways, he said I should thank simon to participate in this experience which helps me to get more mature than before. I should buy him dinner for that because changing people's way of thinking is not easy and I couldn't think of anyone else who is that influential to me. I was like, he would think I was trying to get serious with him if I give him a call and ask him out for dinner although my intention is just to thank him lol.
Although simon acts like jerk to me according to my every single friend, there are something I should learn from him:

• He is more of a laid back person. He is relaxed at all times. He makes sure he reserves enough time for one event. That means he will never rush things.
• He is quiet. I used to be quiet. That means he only talks when it's necessary, not nonsense. It's pretty good.
  

Life Lesson

It's been almost a week. With the number of times I talked to my friends, I totally let go of him emotionally. Then I started to rethink what is going on as a whole. It really sounded more like a joke. This is probably one of the most ridiculous things I have ever done in my entire life. Why would it happen? And what lesson have I learned from this experience?

My first mistake: I talked too much. I am pretty sure we could be compatible if we met before Jan 2005. Remember back in January, after the break up, I completely changed to a noisy bitch. I like the old me, quiet, shy and innocent. Hopefully it's not too late to appreciate what I had, who I was before.
Lesson: SHUT the F UP

Second mistake: I am intense at all times. Unfortunately, this is just me. I am intense about everything, anything. I forgot since when I developed this kind of personality. I get happy easily, and get mad because of little things. I don't know what I should do to change that. The worst thing is, I don't really think I need to change any of this.
Lesson: Just Be Myself

Third mistake: I don't know what I want. I don't think I am ready for relationship right now. See what happens here is I "pressured" him and "expected" too much from him, although I really don't think I had. So, I guess I have to learn to be more independent before getting myself involved in watever kind of relationship. I need to learn to love myself, protect myself, take care of myself before considering to have a partner, taking care of each other.
Lessen: Grow up and be Independent

I know it's nice to love and to belove. But right now, I am feeling comfortable by myself. I am the only person I need to be responsible of. And for real, I am learning to be independent. When I was in a relationship before, besides my to-do list, I always took my partner's schedule into account and planned what I was going to do. And I also cared too much about what the other person would think if I did this and that. From now on, I will just do whatever I want for the sake of myself.

Stopped being convenient

Although I am very disappointed about what happened with nomis, I definitely think this is the best ending I could ever get. I understand that I couldn't get rid of him by myself. And it nicely worked out as I was not taking the initiative to stop the "i don't know what it is" relationship. However, it's the crappy reason that pisses me off the most.

I wasn't planning to do this at all on saturday night. I was getting ready to go over to his place. I didn't know why I told him I didn't want to go at the last minute, after I was all prepared to leave my house. Then somehow the "emotional conversation" started by me asking the question why he didn't say goodbye before hanging up the phone. I forgot how he started saying that he wasn't looking for something serious in his life. Then I started to clarify myself that I wasn't either and that "goodbye" question was the only thing I was looking for. If this "goodbye" question annoyed him that much and made him feel pressured enough to get rid of me, seriously, SCREW YOU! Well, at one point I heard something like "you are nice, pretty and smart...blah blah blah.." whatever. I was like "what the f are you talking about?" First of all I seriously didn't think we had a relationship so don't you dare to say anything like that to me. And it just sounded too familiar from something I have heard couple months ago.

Therefore, that's how I stopped being convenient to him. But like he could've a better reason than that. I have to admit that I am an intense person. I will pick on little things like that to anyone. Honestly, I would've said that to any of my friends. I just think that is really stupid if he gets frustrated.

But I know I will miss him. I will be surprised if I ever see him online again. And I hate the feeling of not seeing him online. I feel like I don't want to use msn anymore.

Whatever happened in between, it doesn't matter how pissed off I am right now, or am I gonna miss him or not, mission accomplished. Look forward to your life and enjoy it as much as you can. Remember your job in life, from the prayer of St Francis. And this: The more the stress, the sooner you die.