Where does the stress come from?

I only have this amount of time, so i will just write whatever. I have no time to organize anything.

Now, I am helping Eddie to pull people for this wedding choir this saturday. I didn't think it would be that hard. I thought people tend to help. I am stressed about people will actually back out right before saturday. Then I will be screwed. And now, I don't have the Latin copy of Ave Maria, so I am supposed to look for it by tomorrow. I have scan the songs so I can send them to the people who are going to help out. Since we have no time to practice, they will have to look up the songs by themselves. Everything is in a rush since Eddie called me last thursday. I am worried as hell.

I went volunteering by myself today. I finally met bert again. But it's so heart broken. I don't think he remembers who I am. HEART BROKEN. However, I just thanked God for giving him this kind heart, asked God not to take this away, and help him in any ways to help as many people as he can. I have never asked God to connect us. For some reasons, I found it selfish if I asked for that. Being a tool of God has nothing to do with relationships I guess. Well, as long as he is a good nurse, that's the most important. But damn he's cute.

Afternoon dream

I took a nap in the afternoon today. In the dream, I had the most depressing moment ever.

It was so dark outside. I was on my way to visit my "mother school", St Clare's Girls' School. There was supposed to be candles along the slope up to the main office, for some reasons, the candles were not there. I just grapped someone's arm to hold on to. That person recognized me. She said, "Hey, you are Monika. Don't be afraid. We just have to go straight." At that moment, darkness engulfed the world, I saw absolutely nothing.

When I reached the main office, there was white light. The right side was supposed to lead me to the canteen, which changed to a mini library afterwards. Left side was supposed to lead me to open playground. However, for whatever reasons, the right side was renovated to somebody's apartment, 2 bedrooms, some students were cramping in there, watching TV. Then I saw someone waving at me, telling me to go to the first hall to see the performance of the students. The first hall....I have never heard of the first hall. Apparently, the open playground vanished to become two halls. But from one hall to another, there is still some open areas.

When I entered the first hall, some students were performing some dance which I had absolutely no interest in. The light was so bright in there. It was bright white neon light. It felt like I was in a chinese canteen, very uncomfortable. I left and walked towards the second hall. The second hall had exactly the same decoration except it was empty at the moment. I was so upset with the change so I walked to the back stairs, going up to third floor. This is the only place that will never be changed, the statue of Mother Mary. I was so upset that even the colour of the whole building was changed from blue to white. It looks like a mental institution.

I stayed at the statue for a while. Then I saw Mr Choy, the tallest teacher in school. He recognized me. I recognized him as well, although he had so much more grey hair than before. He asked me what I was doing. I said, "I want to embrace this school, and say goodbye. I was brought up here. She taught me the morals and created a mature me, not only physically but also mentally. I was so protected here that i don't ever want to leave. I thank her so much. However, as I see the changes in here, the renovations, I understand that I cannot live in the same shelter forever. She is moving on and I should too. It's sad to say goodbye, but all we can do is to save the tears, be strong and move on. Always remember she had been part of my life, a very important portion of my life." Mr Choy then left me alone to meditate. Other teachers walked by but I don't remember the conversations.

Depressing eh?

End of Summer

Today is my first day of work. Not too excited since I have everything totally in control, nothing new. However, I am a little worried about the future of this clinic. Is this going to be like DK's clinic? Or is it going to end up like Matt's? I have no idea. This little room for me is located in the basement, therefore, there isn't any sunlight like laserlife. Well, hopefully things work out nicely so I don't have to worry too much about anything. I met an old patient from another clinic today. It's nice to see someone familiar in a totally new working environment. At least I have someone to talk to. Then, I wonder, is he ever going to come here?

Songs and memories are really related. Amo was listening to some old songs, which I listened to back in May. Man, memories, memories, memories...... yes, it's nomis, stop asking. When I hear those songs, it feels like the beginning of summer, waiting for something to happen, looking forward to experience new things, curious to find out more about this person. It seems like I drove myself a little too far. When it comes to things like that, I am really really stupid. And man i am stupid.

Life really sucks without volleyball. Although it has only been two days, I randomly picked up the beach vball at home and peppered with the wall. At least I am playing the reverse 6 tournament this weekend, looking forward to that. Edwin called me earlier and invited me to play in the GSU league. I wasn't very sure about what's going, but since I am not playing intramural this year, I might as well play with them. With my skills right now, I am not sure if I am good enough to play with them. But it's FREE lol. I am such a contradicting person.

The labour day tournament marked the end of summer. A long depressing winter will soon begin. Am I going to handle it okay? I don't know. I guess I will just keep myself busy, with work, with church, with vball, with volunteering, with my sister's school work, with my statistics course, with my fish tank.

I don't understand why I can't write these days.

61st NACIVT .... over

The labour day tourny is finally over. I am so sad, very sad indeed. These three days passed by really really fast. There won't be any thursdays, fridays and sundays practices anymore. No one is going to be worried about if we are going to beat phoenix or not. The season is over. So sad that vball is over. I cried in NYC...I wanted to cry again :*(

Remember I said we were not going to be in consolation? I lied. We entered the Gold flight pool but we lost. Therefore, we still ended up in the silver single elimination where we lost in the semifinals. Although the whole summer of practice didn't win us any trophy, various tournaments certainly elevated our skills to a different level. I am pretty sure everyone of us is satisfied with our performance.

61st NACIVT day 1

After coming back from the disappointing trip, I was ready for the labour day tournament at the metro conventional centre. Honestly, I don't want to talk about the trip, because it's going to be full of complaints, and that wouldn't sound good. All I wanted to say is, Mont Tremblant was really nice but I definitely wouldn't pick the same travel agent if I wanted to go there again.

This is a tournament we have been waiting for the whole summer. I am glad I have a chance to participate in it. We didn't play super today, but fortunately, we are not going to be in consolation anymore. Yay! Donny was impressed. And we were happy. I could have played better, for sure. Sometimes, I just have to yell at myself, "Monika, f-king wake up!"

Anne's dad came to watch our game. My first reaction was, "I wish my dad is here." I am so sure that he would enjoy the games, so sure that he would be so proud of me when I play well, so sure that he would tell me what I do crap, and so sure that he would take lots of pictures of me. Man, when's the next time dad's gonna watch me playing volleyball?

New jerseys, warm up shirt and long sleeves warm up shirt today. The warm up shirt was crap. I hate brown. Why do we have to get brown? Why brown? I eat dark chocolate but I never wear anything like chocolate. Baby blue on brown. Why brown??? Urgh..... but the long sleeves is really really nice. I am just going to stick with the long sleeves one. Forget about the dark chocolate lol.