Communication problem

It's an "alright" day today. Mom called again in the morning. We were talking about the same old thing. I felt so annoyed, didn't know how to deal with her anymore. When I kept myself silent, she was pissed. When I started talking about my own opinions, she thought I offended her or something, which I totally thought I didn't. Honestly, I was just trying to express myself and hopefully she wouldn't be too stressful about everything. Well, I seriously think that I am having serious communication problem with her.

Talking about communication problem, I found out my communication skills got better after I started volunteering. Then this skill got me a very nice job at Laserlife, where I strengthen this skill. I can talk to people with different background, different age groups or different believes. I was so confident that I could deal with different kinds of people. However, right now, I haven't worked in that clinic for a while, talking to people is no longer one of my strengths. I am nervous of strangers again. I am so, almost too quiet when I am within a group of people that I don't know. I just don't feel like talking at all. Man...I am losing it.

Strangers. I started to address the problem lately. This problem cannot be solved unless I take the initiative. Again, I am the only person who can help myself. How sad.

Spicing up my life by Fr. Roland

An email from Father Roland made my week/LIFE.

An email was sent to Father Roland couple days ago. I told him that I was finally graduated. Hoping his email address wasn't changed, I received his reply the next day. I was so happy and he said I looked great in the picture. He is still in Italy right now, longing for Hong Kong. For me, I am longing to meet him again. I still remember his warm smile, just like Jesus, always warm, accepting and generous. He is a Franciscan. I can't find a better person to explain the prayer of St Francis, to guide, to get instructions on how to work this out in life.

BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD: I dropped the Eucharist on Monday. I still can't get over it. That Father picked it up and ate it for me. And he still asked me if I was okay. I was okay, but I was upset of myself. I met the same Father again on Wednesday. His homily made me feeling blessed. I wish I know his name so I could thank him and pray for him.

I had a really nice conversation with sil last night. We talked about our religion. Apparently both of us are pretty conservative, which is good, I think. Because this is the only way of keeping the faith, keeping Roman Catholics from distortion. It is interesting that Sil knows so much about our religion. I feel like I need to study harder to catch up.

Monday night volunteering was BORING. I had the most fun on putting the names of the nurses on that shift on the board. However, there was no Julie or Bert. I saw Kathy instead and I found out she is a Catholic. How nice. Colin wasn't there and the ER entrance was under construction. It looked so weird and I felt like I didn't belong there. I left when it's time to go, with my aching ankle.

So, what should I do when I feel like I have abnormal hormonal level again? There is still no solution and should I spend my life time to find out.

One day of pilgrimage is not enough

Here I am again. I get to a point that I don't know the reason of dropping my tears anymore. Am I too sad or too happy? I forgot.

I always want to talk about my problems with other people. However, there is no way to start, at least I don't know how to. And again, it's too sad to talk about it. Therefore, I shut up, or I lie. I hide it too well. After I cried, people said hey monika you looked tired. Then I smiled and said yes. When the hell am I going to step out of my boundaries and talk to people about my problem? Or is this going to happen?

"Make me not to so crave to be loved as to love;" Lord help me how to do this

I saw Fr Elliot today. It was so great to talk to him. He is always encouraging. He always makes himself available to us. I told him about everything spiritually. Everything has been doing great. I lied, even on my face. That nice big smile reallly worked magic. I am sorry, but I really don't know what to say. I said I was gonna call him. This time, I made myself promise to call him on tuesday. You know, no one can help me unless I step up and help myself. You shall be fine kid.

Pilgrimage

Today was the Midland Pilgrimage day.

I only decided to go because I sprained my ankle. Well, if this is the calling from God, He really made a very good choice to call me. :p I was going with a depressing heart. I still thought too much about the things I worried from the night before. However, I let it go, let it out, thought about it again, made some prayers, and I feel much better right now. Prayers heal. Again, the more I read the Prayer of St Francis of Assisi, the more I thought that I was thinking a little too much, or this wasn't the right way of thinking. I was creating problems for myself.

There was some papers for people to write their prayers. I made three prayers today, for three different people, and burned two candles. Prayers were for thoumber, nomis and myself. Candles were for the former two.

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace,

Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
where there is sadness, joy;

O Divine Master,
grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

Absolutely a crying baby

My emotions has been quite dramatic these couple of days. I am not sure if it is due to my hormone level. But I think that's probably it. I cried because I was sad. And I cried because I was happy.

My ankle was sprained again last thursday. Although it has been a year and a half, I still remembered the pain I had to bear right after I sprained it. Anyways, it was so painful that I almost cried. But I DIDn't. I am so proud of myself that I can still walk, limping though. I saw enge online at night. She asked me how my ankle was doing. I told her about the big fat foot. It's not only swollen at the ankle, but also at the tarsal bones. Then I told her that I was really happy that she called me on wednesday for vball. I was so appreciated that when enge thought of doing something, she also thought of me. When I typed that on msn, I cried. Sometimes I feel lonely and no one cares. anne and mim had never called me out for vball, although I asked, and asked, and asked, and I gave up.

Since my ankle was sprained, I decided not to go to practice but singspiration at church. I was looking forward to let out all my emotions to sil, cos he's one of the closest at the youth group. But when I saw the strangers in his car, I found out that may be I am not that close to him. Therefore, I completely shut up. When I got to the church, I closed my eyes. The world was only consisted of me and the Lord. Lord said, "I love you kid. Come to me, and tell me about your worries. Who are you kidding?" I cried, and I cried harder. I let go of my burdens to him, I cried. I felt blessed that He love me, I cried. Oh my Lord, thank you, thank you, thank you.

That was the reason why I didn't want to go bubble tea with the group later on that night. I knew Sil is very very nice to me, and he would concern about how I am doing. Then I would start talking, then I would cry. I didn't let it happen by leaving with Uncle Roger. Sil called me after, and asked me where I went. I told him I left. I wanted to tell him more, but I didn't know how to start. Then I called him again later in the night, wanting to thank him for concerning about my ankle. However, I couldn't squeeze out the words for some reasons. Um...it's probably because he kept talking and I couldn't find the right moment to say it. Damn myself.