Drained with green apple green tea

I promised nomis to give him back rub because of my stupidity and his back pain. So I was going to visit his place at around 10-ish.

My sis called me at around 10pm and asked me out for dinner. Of course I am going with her cause I was so hungry. Then nomis called 5 mins later. I would have to call him back after I am done eating. (omg, i am really having a problem in putting these into words.) During the day, I thought he wasn't going to call, cause..i don't know...just don't think he's going to call. But he actually called me at 8-ish.

Okay, by the time I was done with dinner, it was already 11:45pm. I gave him a call. He told I can come if I still want to. Of course I wanna, cos it's him and also I owed him a back rub. So I went. We talked a little before the rub. We talked about the reason why I made him feel like a zoo animal. I was glad that he wasn't mad at me anymore. Then we went into his room, while giving him a back rub, I told him about my problem with my parents lately. The conversation went smoothly. After the massage, we were still talking but he looked a little tired. Then I said I was going to go. But he offered me to stay. This is the first mistake. I didn't know what I was thinking. I told Sandra I just wanted to befriend him. And I didn't notice that, a friend cannot stay over at another friend's place.

He approached and hugged, thanking me for coming over for the massage. He started kissing me. I didn't expect things went that fast. He said I am hot and sexy. Obviously, I am just sexually appealing to him. I asked him if he always does that to other gal friends. He told me he doesn't usually have a girl in his bed, but it's you that I like.

I was trying to take it easy. I didn't know what's going on. I like him, otherwise, I wouldn't want to stay over. In the morning, I was leaving. I thought I was just going to go, and said goodbye to him. Surprisingly, he approached me hugged me tight and kissed me again. I didn't say a single word, except see you later.

See how screwed up I am?

It's almost gone

As soon as I am done with my exams, I went shopping with Sandra. We went to Eaton Centre and Queen Street. That was actually the first time I went shopping on Queen street. I was so exhausted yet exciting. Although I couldn't choose anything that I really really want with a reasonable price, I will definitely go again. See I have a problem in purchasing when I am going to somebody. To me, shopping means going alone and buy something for myself or someone else. Go shopping with friends or sister, means I want to hang out with them.

So, the first night of relief went okay I guess. I did all the laundries, sheets, clothes and jeans. I used THREE washing machines and TWO dryers to do all the laundries. CRAZY! Anyway, something really bad happened in between. While I was talking to Sandra today about nomis, she said that he might be interested in me. May be I should just befriend him and see what happens, instead of completely getting rid of him. Therefore, I started talking to him again on msn. I don't know if he is a quiet person or not, I just wanted to initiate conversation with him. So I asked him a lot of questions, some personal ones as well. I think he felt offended since he didn't want to talk about it just to satisfy my curiosity. I felt so so bad. I think I made him really upset about have to deal with the memories with me.

I begged him to listen to the reason of asking. I told him about Eric's family problems. I was just trying to understand what the kids are actually thinking at that stage. I have never been through that kind of problem. I don't know what I am supposed to think at that age. When I was 16, I just hoped to win the interschool vball tournament with my team. When I was 16, I was worried about additional math, was worried about the public exam, was worried about not able to promote to A Level.

See, I was brought up in a completely closed environment. I have to admit that Clarians rarely connect with the outside world, the complicated one. Now I want to know how is it supposed to be. Actually, I don't really want to know, but I think I don't have a choice. Most people around me have the same problem.

He said I made him feel like a zoo animal sometimes. Sometimes, not only once. Cause I remember he once said, "You have been asking me all these questions, how 'bout you?" Right, I have been asking him so many questions without me talking about myself. I tried not to talk about myself too much lately. I have this problem in talking too much about myself to the patients. Sometimes, I don't know if the other person would really like to get to know me. I don't know if the other person would be annoyed by me, talking about my problems or myself. Especially when I am a health care provider, I should be focusing more on the patient, not myself.

I am not sure if nomis really want to get to know me, that's why I have been asking him questions, instead of me talking about myself. I wish I could tell him that. I am really sorry, and I wish he understands.

Green Apple Green Tea is still here

My life has been pretty plain lately, since I am studying for my last exam. It's so not fair. Justin came back from vacation already and I am still suffering, waiting to write my last exam. I am soooooo mad. Stupid uoft. For these couple of days, I woke up at around noon, had brunch, studied, coffee, went online, studied, dinner, studied in the library till midnight, shower, studied till around 4am, slept. One more day of torture then I will be done.

I hate the fact that I dream a lot. I had a weird dream last night. It was about me going out with and old dude, european. I have never met him before in reality. Weird. Other than that, I have been day dreaming alot. I have been thinking about what I am going to do after exams. I created another list on top of the one I made before. I wasted so much time in day dreaming. Sooner or later I am going to ask my doctor if it's a mental problem, and if there's any treatment to that.

I broke my glasses the day before exam. The stupid screw was disappeared, so I had to wear my contacts for my first 2 hours of study. I am definitely going to change my glasses after exam.

The main reason why I am writing this entry is, I think this green apple green tea smell is not leaving. It's been almost 10 days and it's still hanging in my nose. It's so annoying!! Before I was afraid that it's going to go away, and now it just stuck there. See, I am not going to talk until the smell or feeling of green apple green tea is completely gone. It's bugging me so much. I will hang in there.

Day dreaming items:
Things to do after exam
I took Nomis' cat Ziggy for a walk. Unfortunately, we had a car accident. Both me and Ziggy's arms were broken. We ended up in the hospital. I called Nomis that we an accident ad Ziggy broke her arm. I apologized to him cos I couldn't take ziggy to the vet.
I was thinking, will he ask how I am doing since I am in the hospital? Or will he just say he is coming to the hospital to pick Ziggy up?

This sounds like the question, "If both me and your mom were drown, who would you save?"
I remembered the Japanese BBQ cook gave the most romantic answer on earth. He said, "I would save my mother, then I will come back and die with you." Then he joked, "Because Romeo must die!!"

One more exam to go

I wrote the eco exam tonight. It went okay. I actually enjoyed studying. I don't remember the last time I actually understand everything in the notes. One more to go.

I got help from Him to get rid of this gagt smell. It helped. Although I was still drinking it, I certainly thought of it less and less. For some reasons, I understood how bad this combination could be, and how much it would bug me. I gradually got rid of it. I will miss this feeling but time heals. I saw it, but I quitted talking. I chose to disappear for a while, so I can get used to how it was like before. However, I can't stop concerning this gagt because I am not interested in it anymore. Therefore, I am going to show up again after exams. I know that there are so many great things awaiting in the summer. I should stay focus and enjoy the summer later on. Right, that's what I am going to do.

I was talking to Thomas last night. It was pretty weird that he said I was more positive than before. That means he thought that I was positive before. He envied my life. He said my life was so good. I was surprised with his comment on me and my life. I had never satisfied with my life. It was too stressful for sure that was more than I could handle. Obviously he could only see the good side of it. I wasn't positive at all in highschool. I was so upset all the time because of the issues with the people there. I just couldn't understand why people thought of me that way. Or is it my smile fooled them all? My life has been a bumpy ride, with lots of tears.

I was studying at the library today. When I looked out the window, it was raining. When the rain dropped on the grass, there was some white particles jumping around. I was like, what kind of creature was that? One of them jumped to the pavement which was a level higher. I looked at it, it disappeared. It was around 4pm. I went to Timothy to get a Latte. I finally knew what that was. FREEZING RAIN ON May 2nd?? What is wrong with the weather here?

Day dreaming item:
What and who am I going to write if I am about to have a plane crash? what will I place in the black box? It was pretty scary. I had too many things to write, too many messages to send to different people. Then what happened after those people received the message? What happened if I actually didn't die?
I was recovered but I had a blood clog near the optic nerve. I turned blind unless the blood clog went away. How am I going to recognize my family and friends? I imagine gagt came to visit. But I couldn't see. I could see how he moved his face towards my hands and let me feel him. I also recognized his voice. I felt his body marks with my finger tips. I cried.

Ciao Green Apple Green Tea

Having another Green Apple Green tea

While walking home tonight, I heard His voice, yelling at me. And guess what I am doing right now. I am holding a green apple green tea, drinking it, and thinking of it. He have been sending me so many messages. Since I have been good lately, I received them all. However, I really refused to listen. Otherwise I won't be holding a green apple green tea right now.

He said,

'This green apple green tea doesn't have a cap but it belongs to the "G_d" group. You know I wouldn't send this to you if it's not the same as you. You know I wouldn't send this to you if it distracts you from your exam girl. And you frickin' thought of this gagt too much even when you are talking to me. You know what I am saying sweetie. I don't want to yell at you a second time.'

Fine fine fine, I will try. I am going to... just drink it, enjoy the smell and taste of it. Let's not get emotional. You've gotta help me on this, I can't do this alone.

Okay next time, I am going to get green apple green tea with green apple jelly. But I will only feel it, look at it, and drink it, no talking.