One day of pilgrimage is not enough

Here I am again. I get to a point that I don't know the reason of dropping my tears anymore. Am I too sad or too happy? I forgot.

I always want to talk about my problems with other people. However, there is no way to start, at least I don't know how to. And again, it's too sad to talk about it. Therefore, I shut up, or I lie. I hide it too well. After I cried, people said hey monika you looked tired. Then I smiled and said yes. When the hell am I going to step out of my boundaries and talk to people about my problem? Or is this going to happen?

"Make me not to so crave to be loved as to love;" Lord help me how to do this

I saw Fr Elliot today. It was so great to talk to him. He is always encouraging. He always makes himself available to us. I told him about everything spiritually. Everything has been doing great. I lied, even on my face. That nice big smile reallly worked magic. I am sorry, but I really don't know what to say. I said I was gonna call him. This time, I made myself promise to call him on tuesday. You know, no one can help me unless I step up and help myself. You shall be fine kid.

Pilgrimage

Today was the Midland Pilgrimage day.

I only decided to go because I sprained my ankle. Well, if this is the calling from God, He really made a very good choice to call me. :p I was going with a depressing heart. I still thought too much about the things I worried from the night before. However, I let it go, let it out, thought about it again, made some prayers, and I feel much better right now. Prayers heal. Again, the more I read the Prayer of St Francis of Assisi, the more I thought that I was thinking a little too much, or this wasn't the right way of thinking. I was creating problems for myself.

There was some papers for people to write their prayers. I made three prayers today, for three different people, and burned two candles. Prayers were for thoumber, nomis and myself. Candles were for the former two.

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace,

Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
where there is sadness, joy;

O Divine Master,
grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

Absolutely a crying baby

My emotions has been quite dramatic these couple of days. I am not sure if it is due to my hormone level. But I think that's probably it. I cried because I was sad. And I cried because I was happy.

My ankle was sprained again last thursday. Although it has been a year and a half, I still remembered the pain I had to bear right after I sprained it. Anyways, it was so painful that I almost cried. But I DIDn't. I am so proud of myself that I can still walk, limping though. I saw enge online at night. She asked me how my ankle was doing. I told her about the big fat foot. It's not only swollen at the ankle, but also at the tarsal bones. Then I told her that I was really happy that she called me on wednesday for vball. I was so appreciated that when enge thought of doing something, she also thought of me. When I typed that on msn, I cried. Sometimes I feel lonely and no one cares. anne and mim had never called me out for vball, although I asked, and asked, and asked, and I gave up.

Since my ankle was sprained, I decided not to go to practice but singspiration at church. I was looking forward to let out all my emotions to sil, cos he's one of the closest at the youth group. But when I saw the strangers in his car, I found out that may be I am not that close to him. Therefore, I completely shut up. When I got to the church, I closed my eyes. The world was only consisted of me and the Lord. Lord said, "I love you kid. Come to me, and tell me about your worries. Who are you kidding?" I cried, and I cried harder. I let go of my burdens to him, I cried. I felt blessed that He love me, I cried. Oh my Lord, thank you, thank you, thank you.

That was the reason why I didn't want to go bubble tea with the group later on that night. I knew Sil is very very nice to me, and he would concern about how I am doing. Then I would start talking, then I would cry. I didn't let it happen by leaving with Uncle Roger. Sil called me after, and asked me where I went. I told him I left. I wanted to tell him more, but I didn't know how to start. Then I called him again later in the night, wanting to thank him for concerning about my ankle. However, I couldn't squeeze out the words for some reasons. Um...it's probably because he kept talking and I couldn't find the right moment to say it. Damn myself.

Humble Bert

Okay, heres something about the volunteer night on monday. I was left alone again. DAMN you Colin Newman. It was a busy night, with some Chinese patients. On one hand I had to clear up the triage area, on the other hand I had to interpret for the Cantonese/Mandarin speaking patients.

Two special things happened that night. Since it was a really hot night, I wore skirts. Nurse Julie saw my bandit on my knee. She asked me what happened and I told her about the exudates coming out of the wound and the bandit was stuck there. I fricking got injured under the knee pad. What's the point of wearing the knee pad then?? Anyways, she told me what to do and slipped a polysporin into the pocket of my volunteer vest. She is super nice. omg...... it's probably because I haven't had anybody cares about me with this kind of tiny things for such a long time. I don't think my mom would care when I get scratches like that. aww.... that was so sweet.

Hm... when I was trying to take a wheelchair for a patient, somebody was saying hi to me. It was the nurse who I talked to last time. His name is Humberto. Everybody calls him Bert. Last time I asked him about the difference between pronation and supination. The only reason I picked him to ask is I completely thought he was a doctor. The ward clerk told me he was a nurse. I didn't believe cos he completely has what a doctor is supposed to have. Doctors are cute and smart (so not fair). So, there you go, the next week, he was working out in the triage area, with me lol. I heard too many good stories about him. Joan, another ward clerk, told me that he is a very good man, good heart, humble, hardworking. I was like wow, the wardclerk last week said the same. Hm..interesting. Gotta find an anagram for his name. It's a challenge though.

NYC tourny

The NYC trip was great. We played well on the first day. I really enjoyed playing strong teams because that was the only way to improve our game to another level. However, the second day was CRAP. I played like crap. omg..... I was so disappointed with myself because I definitely had dragged down the team spirit. Anyways, lets put this behind me and look forward to the next tourny. FOCUS is the key.

There were several things I found out for myself from this trip. First of all, I found out that I am paranoid with people looking at me. Engela was staring at me several times. I looked away and looked at her again. I was like "what are you looking at?" Right I am paranoid. Is there a reason for that? Well, when people stare at you, they are quite possibly thinking something about you. I don't know what the heck they are thinking. I think that really scares me a lot. They look at me like a weirdo.

Another thing is, when I see some old friends, I have never gone up to say hi. I always think they should come up to me and say hi to me. I saw some of my teammates went up to a lot of guys and kinda socialized with them. For some reasons, I couldn't do that. Going up to some guys is not one of the things that I have the courage to do. What if that person don't even remember who the heck I am? So although I recognized a lot of people, esp guys, from the tourny, the only person I had said hi to was Jeff Chung. He was really nice and actually asked me how's it going. Man he's hot but I guess he forgot his razor during the trip. lol

After the tourny, we came back to town. I had my first histology class with this prof. Then we had labs in the afternoon. Then I realized how much I missed Dr Wilson's histology class last last semester. OMg...microscope.. it was so much easier to look at things under the mic these days. And the most amazing thing is, I recognized the components. aww... I am so excited about the labs right now. Yay!!