Stop being convenient

I was talking to Asuka on the night before I left Toronto. We drew to conclusion that I should stop being convenient to nomis. We started to talk about that because I was mad when I talked to him on the phone after practice. I had a feeling that he didn't want to talk to me. You can't under estimate a girl's instinct. I guess that's what going to happen. He is going to get rid of me sooner or later. I should be prepared.

I just don't think I am the kind of person who can be involved in "i don't know what it is" relationship. I am a pisces hehe.. a horoscope that can never stop loving. So if I am attracted to someone, I will only like him more and more, while the other person may not have the same behaviour. Therefore, in the end, I will be left alone cos the other party can definitely get out of this "i don't know what it is" thing. I think that's exactly what's happening with me and nomis. I started to get mad at him when I had a feeling that he wasn't very happy to talk to me. Right at the moment, I know I am screwed. I started to expect something from him. I started to have a problem if I don't have his attention. That's why I had to talk to Asuka. And I should definitely get out of it before it's too late. And I was so sure that I wasn't going to call him after the retreat.

However, while amo and I were walking last night, she emphasized that he is not an asian. I shouldn't expect him to act like an asian then. Because of the cultural difference, sometimes I have to take the initiative. She encouraged me to call him. So I called him last night but nobody answered, which I personally think this is another evidence of being got rid of.

After the phone call, and after disappearing online for a couple of days, I saw him online at like 1am. We started talking to each other again online just now. I think it's the holy spirit who is helping me to get rid of this person. I feel more and more uncomfortable chatting with him. First of all, I don't know what the heck he is thinking. If he wants to get rid of me, why does he even bother to say hi to me. Second of all, he still sounds really cold. It's like question and answer session. And people who knows me well know that monika doesn't take initiative and she doesn't talk much. Lastly, I think I am seriously done with him. I really should take control before it's too late. And damn, I should stop looking for excuses for him. I know he is very busy, but I should feel more comfortable than that cos I don't have a problem with workaholics.

Anyways, just don't initiate conversations anymore. Pray the Rosary whenever you want to yell at him.

YOSAC retreat 2005

This is my first retreat with a youth group, people of my age. I was nervous at the beginning. But it turned out well after all. When they talked about my role at church, this is the motivation for me to serve Jesus' cornerstone. I decided to join the youth group. And also, for some reasons, I really like St Francis of Assisi. The only reason I could thought of is that St Clare was his follower. Anyway, I should elaborate it more later.

We visited a lot of Basilica and shrines during the trip. They are really really pretty. I felt sacred and peaceful in there. I saw St Francis of Assisi in some of them. Then I thought the prayer of St Francis,

Lord, make me the instrument of they peace.
Where there is hate, may I bring love;
Where offense, may I bring pardon;
May I bring union in place of discord;
Truth, replacing error;
Faith, where once there was doubt;
Hope, for despair;
Light, where there was darkness;
Joy, to replace sadness
Make me not to so crave to be loved as to love;
Help me to learn that in giving I may receive;
In forgetting self, I may find life eternal.

I understand why I like him through the prayer. This is exactly what I want to do for my entire life. I learned that in giving, I may receive. I could only satisfy myself, being truly happy this way. Bringing love, joy, peace, truth, faith and hope to the world would be the goals of my life. Although I don't even have the ability to keep myself faithful and hopeful at all times, I will work towards it.

What a shitty day

As soon as I think I am going to enjoy my great summer, something always come up and tell me that life is never gonna to be perfect. This is such a weird day today. I don't know what to say. Well, I am losing my job I think.

I received a phone call from Ross today. He told me that the clinic is going to be closed down at least for the following couple of days. He was very sorry. I kinda don't understand him sometimes. I think he has other job interviews and stuff. Like I don't feel like he has a sense of belonging to the clinic. Anyway, I was still sleeping when he called. I decided to go back to the clinic to see what happened and if there was anything I could help out. When I first heard the shocking news, I was more worried about Matt than myself. I was worried about if Matt was handling it fine. Matt said there was actually some problem with the landlord and the partner. We are either going to move to a new location or stay at where we are. Matt was very optimistic. He emphasized that he was a person who would never give up.

After helping them to box up the patients' charts and desk drawer items, we left. I didn't know what to do cos I was like everyone, shocked and stunned. I gave Matt a hug before I left. I was afraid that I was never gonna see him again. I just wanted him to know he has my support. He is such a hardworking person. He certainly doesn't deserve something like that. I sympathized him. I know how it feels when you work so hard and there is no sign of reward at all. Trust me, I know. I didn't know what else to say except letting him know that I am available anytime when he needs me.

Gross Anatomy Museum

It's the first day of class for summer session. This is also the first time I feel so relaxed in class. I am so excited about the materials I am going to learn. Besides the time the prof talked about the course outline, I didn't get bored at all. After class, we went for a respective tutorial session. My TA's name is Neil. This is exactly my honey gourami's name, named by nomis. He took us the the Gross Anatomy Museum at the basement of MSB. I didn't expect anything at the beginning. Then I went into the room, I was like, you called that a museum??? The room is so small. You know museum is supposed to be huge with lots of specimens.

Then I walked to the first aisle. "Wow" was the last word I said as I recalled. I don't remember me closing my mouth, or blinking my eyes at all. The first thing I saw was the network of blood vessels in liver, coloured in latex. Liver is made up of networks of blood vessels, hepatic artery, hepatic vein and most imiportantly the hepatic portal vein. And there are small arteries and veins branched off from the hepatic vessels. The specimen was neatly displayed. The main vessels as well as some of the small branches were completely isolated from the tissue. It was just amazing. When I turned around, there were different parts of the brain, white and pale. They were nicely preserved. After that I went through most of the bones, muscles and internal organs. When I walked to a specimen for the upper body, I held my breathe. I felt very very excited inside but at the same time, I felt really sorry for those people who sacrificed their body to science. I had that feeling because I saw half of the face of the upper body specimen.

Overall, this was absolutely a, wow, astonishing experience for me. I have dissected fish, shark, bull's eye, pig heart, mouse and cat. I have never seen a human specimen before. I totally repect those specimens, cherish them and learn from them so to make worthy of their sacrifice.

Graduation

I am finally graduating!! I passed the stupid genetics course. I am finally over with university, sooo happy. People just don't understand how uoft destroyed me. I sent an email to Eric, thanking him for being with me in my most difficult time. I have to admit that I wouldn't be able to go through it without him. I didn't expect him to be at my graduation. I just wanted him to know he was one of the people who supported me when I faced challenges.

I was just talking to JP about nomis. I wasn't going to talk about it, but he asked me to tell him something about this young man. On top of that, I wish I could figure out what the heck I am doing right now. Today, JP was actually talking about having a relationship, something that's too early to talk about at this stage. I wasn't thinking of having a relationship with him. I don't know where this is going, and don't know if I hope this is going anywhere. I didn't tell him that I wasn't that involved, but I have to agree that I will never know what's going happen if I don't explore. Since we came from different background, there are lots of room to find out about each other. JP said he is more of a nurturing person than I do, since he keeps a cat while I keep a fish tank. He could be responsible, would like to have something to take care of. Honestly, I don't know him that well. I really don't know what he could be.

Too bad Colin didn't come today. Otherwise, he could tell me what the heck young guys think. So, are we dating? or are we just seeing each other? exclusively? or are we allow to see other people? Since we are not serious, where are the boundaries? I feel stupid if I actually ask him this question. So I believe this is completely my choice. As I have mentioned before, I don't feel like I am emotionally involved. I am just going to live like I am single. I am not going to rely on him. How am I going to rely on him anyway? I have to think about if the other person wants to take up the shit from me. And I don't know why, I really don't believe that he likes me. It's not "I can't believe", it's "I don't believe". See, a relationship takes too much work, and I don't think I am willing to work on it right now.

Today was great. I love it when the patients like me. Dr Martin said that I could be a good nurse. He said I am good with patients and take good care of them. Diane said I am amazing because I am hard working I guess. Couple months ago I had never agreed with people's complement on me. People said I am pretty, I've never believed it, cos I didn't feel the same. People said I am good at this...good at that... I've never believed it. However, for some reasons, I finally agree that I am good with patients, sometimes, not all of them though.

I smiled a lot lately. It's probably because I don't have school anymore, and I am graduating. My goal is to bring Love, Joy and Peace to the people around me. I think I am working towards the Joy part. For myself, I have to be patient, kind, generous, faithful, gentle and self-controlled. omg....I am so a person without self-control. Just keep track of how much chocolate I eat.