Stopped being convenient

Although I am very disappointed about what happened with nomis, I definitely think this is the best ending I could ever get. I understand that I couldn't get rid of him by myself. And it nicely worked out as I was not taking the initiative to stop the "i don't know what it is" relationship. However, it's the crappy reason that pisses me off the most.

I wasn't planning to do this at all on saturday night. I was getting ready to go over to his place. I didn't know why I told him I didn't want to go at the last minute, after I was all prepared to leave my house. Then somehow the "emotional conversation" started by me asking the question why he didn't say goodbye before hanging up the phone. I forgot how he started saying that he wasn't looking for something serious in his life. Then I started to clarify myself that I wasn't either and that "goodbye" question was the only thing I was looking for. If this "goodbye" question annoyed him that much and made him feel pressured enough to get rid of me, seriously, SCREW YOU! Well, at one point I heard something like "you are nice, pretty and smart...blah blah blah.." whatever. I was like "what the f are you talking about?" First of all I seriously didn't think we had a relationship so don't you dare to say anything like that to me. And it just sounded too familiar from something I have heard couple months ago.

Therefore, that's how I stopped being convenient to him. But like he could've a better reason than that. I have to admit that I am an intense person. I will pick on little things like that to anyone. Honestly, I would've said that to any of my friends. I just think that is really stupid if he gets frustrated.

But I know I will miss him. I will be surprised if I ever see him online again. And I hate the feeling of not seeing him online. I feel like I don't want to use msn anymore.

Whatever happened in between, it doesn't matter how pissed off I am right now, or am I gonna miss him or not, mission accomplished. Look forward to your life and enjoy it as much as you can. Remember your job in life, from the prayer of St Francis. And this: The more the stress, the sooner you die.

Stop being convenient

I was talking to Asuka on the night before I left Toronto. We drew to conclusion that I should stop being convenient to nomis. We started to talk about that because I was mad when I talked to him on the phone after practice. I had a feeling that he didn't want to talk to me. You can't under estimate a girl's instinct. I guess that's what going to happen. He is going to get rid of me sooner or later. I should be prepared.

I just don't think I am the kind of person who can be involved in "i don't know what it is" relationship. I am a pisces hehe.. a horoscope that can never stop loving. So if I am attracted to someone, I will only like him more and more, while the other person may not have the same behaviour. Therefore, in the end, I will be left alone cos the other party can definitely get out of this "i don't know what it is" thing. I think that's exactly what's happening with me and nomis. I started to get mad at him when I had a feeling that he wasn't very happy to talk to me. Right at the moment, I know I am screwed. I started to expect something from him. I started to have a problem if I don't have his attention. That's why I had to talk to Asuka. And I should definitely get out of it before it's too late. And I was so sure that I wasn't going to call him after the retreat.

However, while amo and I were walking last night, she emphasized that he is not an asian. I shouldn't expect him to act like an asian then. Because of the cultural difference, sometimes I have to take the initiative. She encouraged me to call him. So I called him last night but nobody answered, which I personally think this is another evidence of being got rid of.

After the phone call, and after disappearing online for a couple of days, I saw him online at like 1am. We started talking to each other again online just now. I think it's the holy spirit who is helping me to get rid of this person. I feel more and more uncomfortable chatting with him. First of all, I don't know what the heck he is thinking. If he wants to get rid of me, why does he even bother to say hi to me. Second of all, he still sounds really cold. It's like question and answer session. And people who knows me well know that monika doesn't take initiative and she doesn't talk much. Lastly, I think I am seriously done with him. I really should take control before it's too late. And damn, I should stop looking for excuses for him. I know he is very busy, but I should feel more comfortable than that cos I don't have a problem with workaholics.

Anyways, just don't initiate conversations anymore. Pray the Rosary whenever you want to yell at him.

YOSAC retreat 2005

This is my first retreat with a youth group, people of my age. I was nervous at the beginning. But it turned out well after all. When they talked about my role at church, this is the motivation for me to serve Jesus' cornerstone. I decided to join the youth group. And also, for some reasons, I really like St Francis of Assisi. The only reason I could thought of is that St Clare was his follower. Anyway, I should elaborate it more later.

We visited a lot of Basilica and shrines during the trip. They are really really pretty. I felt sacred and peaceful in there. I saw St Francis of Assisi in some of them. Then I thought the prayer of St Francis,

Lord, make me the instrument of they peace.
Where there is hate, may I bring love;
Where offense, may I bring pardon;
May I bring union in place of discord;
Truth, replacing error;
Faith, where once there was doubt;
Hope, for despair;
Light, where there was darkness;
Joy, to replace sadness
Make me not to so crave to be loved as to love;
Help me to learn that in giving I may receive;
In forgetting self, I may find life eternal.

I understand why I like him through the prayer. This is exactly what I want to do for my entire life. I learned that in giving, I may receive. I could only satisfy myself, being truly happy this way. Bringing love, joy, peace, truth, faith and hope to the world would be the goals of my life. Although I don't even have the ability to keep myself faithful and hopeful at all times, I will work towards it.

What a shitty day

As soon as I think I am going to enjoy my great summer, something always come up and tell me that life is never gonna to be perfect. This is such a weird day today. I don't know what to say. Well, I am losing my job I think.

I received a phone call from Ross today. He told me that the clinic is going to be closed down at least for the following couple of days. He was very sorry. I kinda don't understand him sometimes. I think he has other job interviews and stuff. Like I don't feel like he has a sense of belonging to the clinic. Anyway, I was still sleeping when he called. I decided to go back to the clinic to see what happened and if there was anything I could help out. When I first heard the shocking news, I was more worried about Matt than myself. I was worried about if Matt was handling it fine. Matt said there was actually some problem with the landlord and the partner. We are either going to move to a new location or stay at where we are. Matt was very optimistic. He emphasized that he was a person who would never give up.

After helping them to box up the patients' charts and desk drawer items, we left. I didn't know what to do cos I was like everyone, shocked and stunned. I gave Matt a hug before I left. I was afraid that I was never gonna see him again. I just wanted him to know he has my support. He is such a hardworking person. He certainly doesn't deserve something like that. I sympathized him. I know how it feels when you work so hard and there is no sign of reward at all. Trust me, I know. I didn't know what else to say except letting him know that I am available anytime when he needs me.

Gross Anatomy Museum

It's the first day of class for summer session. This is also the first time I feel so relaxed in class. I am so excited about the materials I am going to learn. Besides the time the prof talked about the course outline, I didn't get bored at all. After class, we went for a respective tutorial session. My TA's name is Neil. This is exactly my honey gourami's name, named by nomis. He took us the the Gross Anatomy Museum at the basement of MSB. I didn't expect anything at the beginning. Then I went into the room, I was like, you called that a museum??? The room is so small. You know museum is supposed to be huge with lots of specimens.

Then I walked to the first aisle. "Wow" was the last word I said as I recalled. I don't remember me closing my mouth, or blinking my eyes at all. The first thing I saw was the network of blood vessels in liver, coloured in latex. Liver is made up of networks of blood vessels, hepatic artery, hepatic vein and most imiportantly the hepatic portal vein. And there are small arteries and veins branched off from the hepatic vessels. The specimen was neatly displayed. The main vessels as well as some of the small branches were completely isolated from the tissue. It was just amazing. When I turned around, there were different parts of the brain, white and pale. They were nicely preserved. After that I went through most of the bones, muscles and internal organs. When I walked to a specimen for the upper body, I held my breathe. I felt very very excited inside but at the same time, I felt really sorry for those people who sacrificed their body to science. I had that feeling because I saw half of the face of the upper body specimen.

Overall, this was absolutely a, wow, astonishing experience for me. I have dissected fish, shark, bull's eye, pig heart, mouse and cat. I have never seen a human specimen before. I totally repect those specimens, cherish them and learn from them so to make worthy of their sacrifice.