Graduation

I am finally graduating!! I passed the stupid genetics course. I am finally over with university, sooo happy. People just don't understand how uoft destroyed me. I sent an email to Eric, thanking him for being with me in my most difficult time. I have to admit that I wouldn't be able to go through it without him. I didn't expect him to be at my graduation. I just wanted him to know he was one of the people who supported me when I faced challenges.

I was just talking to JP about nomis. I wasn't going to talk about it, but he asked me to tell him something about this young man. On top of that, I wish I could figure out what the heck I am doing right now. Today, JP was actually talking about having a relationship, something that's too early to talk about at this stage. I wasn't thinking of having a relationship with him. I don't know where this is going, and don't know if I hope this is going anywhere. I didn't tell him that I wasn't that involved, but I have to agree that I will never know what's going happen if I don't explore. Since we came from different background, there are lots of room to find out about each other. JP said he is more of a nurturing person than I do, since he keeps a cat while I keep a fish tank. He could be responsible, would like to have something to take care of. Honestly, I don't know him that well. I really don't know what he could be.

Too bad Colin didn't come today. Otherwise, he could tell me what the heck young guys think. So, are we dating? or are we just seeing each other? exclusively? or are we allow to see other people? Since we are not serious, where are the boundaries? I feel stupid if I actually ask him this question. So I believe this is completely my choice. As I have mentioned before, I don't feel like I am emotionally involved. I am just going to live like I am single. I am not going to rely on him. How am I going to rely on him anyway? I have to think about if the other person wants to take up the shit from me. And I don't know why, I really don't believe that he likes me. It's not "I can't believe", it's "I don't believe". See, a relationship takes too much work, and I don't think I am willing to work on it right now.

Today was great. I love it when the patients like me. Dr Martin said that I could be a good nurse. He said I am good with patients and take good care of them. Diane said I am amazing because I am hard working I guess. Couple months ago I had never agreed with people's complement on me. People said I am pretty, I've never believed it, cos I didn't feel the same. People said I am good at this...good at that... I've never believed it. However, for some reasons, I finally agree that I am good with patients, sometimes, not all of them though.

I smiled a lot lately. It's probably because I don't have school anymore, and I am graduating. My goal is to bring Love, Joy and Peace to the people around me. I think I am working towards the Joy part. For myself, I have to be patient, kind, generous, faithful, gentle and self-controlled. omg....I am so a person without self-control. Just keep track of how much chocolate I eat.

Emotionally detached

After broken up with Eric for couple of months, I learnt not to count on people's words. When they said they are going to do something, or to call, they won't indeed. Therefore, when nomis messaged me and said he was going to call me. I couldn't believe him. I wouldn't expect he's gonna call. Surprisingly, he called instead. He was asking me out for the weekend. I gave him a call saturday afternoon, planning to meet up at night.

I went to Engerla's kegger party on friday. I had so much fun as I haven't got that drunk in such a long time. I got to a point that I asked God for help. I said "I am sorry God, I won't drink that much next time, help me not to puke." I didn't know I was that drunk until I felt my head spinning when I closed my eyes. Tommy took me to Hugh's room and sleep. I thought Tommy hugged me to sleep, don't remember, but so nice. He's always nice. I woke up with a hangover in the morning. I went to work with this hangover. Now I completely trust the power of make up. I looked like crap I swear. Then I put the make up on in the clinic. Make up changed me into a girl who had a good sleep the night before. So amazing. I met the patient roy again. I told him about the phone call from nomis the night before. He said, "See, you gotta help him a little." He said I was the one who was pushing the other day. Well, I was just a little frustrated when he didn't do anything.

Saturday night, I went to his place to watch TV. We were actually watching the NBA playoffs, Heat vs Wizards. That was a tight game man. It was so excited for the last two minutes. Anyways, I was a little nervous when I first saw him last night. I didn't know what to say and he probably didn't know as well, besides how's it going. He always said that I used him for TV, and he used me for massage. I can't believe it, his back is still really bad. I really wish my massage can relieve his pain for a little. So, I asked him about us because I didn't think I can go on without knowing anything. I actually didn't remember how the heck I squeezed out the question, but he said he wasn't looking for something serious at this point of his life. I was surprised that he was that honest with me. He likes me, and would like to spend time with me, and enjoys my accompany. He thinks I am a nice girl. When I asked him how we came to this point, since he didn't really know me. Amazingly, he told me everything he knew about me. I found it fascinating because I didn't know he actually remembers things about me. Then we kinda of talked about the different environments we grew up, I was sheltered while he was pissed off most of the time. That was funny. Now I understand that he is a very matured person due to the way he was brought up. Hopefully he won't think I am an idiot all the time. After last night, I knew him more and I felt more relaxed talking to him than before.

Honestly, right at the moment he said he wasn't looking for anything serious, I immediately thought of what I was doing with him. I totally know that this is not going anywhere. Then I asked myself, do you really want this to go somewhere? Since I couldn't give myself a clear answer, I should stop questioning where this is going. I don't feel like I am emotionally involved with him. I am just having a good time with him. See this is completely different from the previous relationships. I didn't expect anything from him. I am not angry at all even if he doesn't call. I may miss him a little the minute after I say goodbye to him. But I don't feel disappointed because I have to leave him for the day. I have never understood how people can go out with their partners while they don't have any feelings at all. Now, I kinda get it, but for sure I have feelings for him. It's just my brain is not there.

Isn't that great? When both of us don't expect anything from each other? Man, I need to learn to be independent before I get involved in a relationship again.

May be he is not interested in me

We had a nice talk last night. Actually I didn't think it was that nice because it seems like both of us avoid to talk about us. The connection, relationship between is what I want to know. But I didn't have the courage to ask him anything. And obviously he didn't say anything. However, this is almost the first time he started the conversation. I was surprised. I thought he wasn't going to talk to me anymore for his entire life.

I was just talking to roy today. I told him everything because he saw my depressing look on saturday, after what happened with nomis. I told him that we weren't even talking on the phone, just on msn. And we didn't talk about us. He didn't ask me out or anything. Roy told me to ask him out. But people who know me well will know that Monika will not do something like that. I wouldn't have the courage to ask him what's going on between us, and asking the guy out. That's just not me no matter how nice it will work. Since he is not asking me out, Roy said he may not be interested in me. And if a guy likes a girl, he will keep asking the girl out for coffee, tea, movie, or whatever you know. But he is not doing any of this. I have gotta forget about this guy.

[sigh] What happen if he wants another gathering at his place? You know the more I think of it, I miss him more, and like him more. What am I gonna do? I will just go to his place again. Okay, let's make a deal. I will go to his place and do whatever I have to do, then leave unless he says something. See I am not trying to push him to say anything. I just don't want to start something which is not going anywhere, or which doesn't mean anything to him while it means a whole lot for me.

I went to see the "Alan Tam and Hacken Lee concert" tonight. It was great. When I looked at the way Hacken Lee sang, it was so touching. The melody slightly touched my heart. It looked like he was very into the song, into the mood of the song, that's why it's so touching. I was thinking, may be I should start to sing like this. Cos I think I have never tried to mean the lyrics that I sing. Okay, from now on, let me close my eyes and think of the lyrics before I sing. It would be much better.

I realize how stupid I am

I have talked to three different people about nomis, two guys and a girl. Asuka thinks he would like to talk to me again. She thinks he should be a responsible person. Colin and verick think he's a dickhead. Colin said he may want to talk to me. If he does not, Colin will be angry. You know, the more I talked about it with other people, the more stupid I felt. I mean, I don't even want to think about it anymore. If he calls, I will see what he has to say. If he doesn't, again, I am not going to bother. Colin knew that I kinda like him when I talked about nomis with him. But now, everything's ruined I guess.

I was talking to Colin about him for almost the whole volunteering session. We helped quite a bit of people though. I was really irritated about the stupid security guard. He is so rude to the patients. He questioned everyone who walked by. When a visitor wanted to go up to the nursing station to visit a relative, he said he was going to call upstairs to double check. When a patient took his time to walk, he went up to him and told him where to go. I mean, give them a break. Can't you just give the patients some time to WALK?? A patient with walking difficulty walked in, me and Colin asked him if he wanted a wheelchair. The stupid security came up to them and told him that there was wheelchair outside and they could use a loonie to exchange for that. I was so mad. They didn't intend to get a wheelchair, it was me and Colin who wanted to OFFER them a wheelchair. Who was he to tell him to get their own wheelchair?? He was so rude to everyone. I didn't talk him at all. What is his problem? Take it easy man. They are patients. They need to stay in the waiting room and suffer from pain for almost 8 hours in average. You try to help them as much as you can, instead of yelling at them. Although some of the psych patients can cause trouble, not all of them are psych patients. Do you think the hospital is a fun place to visit? People don't want to come to the hospital if they don't have to. Lets be nice to them and help them to get through the difficult times in the hospital.

I don't think I am going to Vancouver anymore. I checked the price of the ticket on friday. It was CND526. I was trying to book the ticket today. It went up to CND733. Are you kidding me? It went up by 200 bucks. I just don't think I can afford it. Therefore, I decided to go to QC instead. I haven't been to Quebec City for a while. It's time to revisit lol. And it only costs CND165.

I have stories for Colin every week. No matter what the story is, it ends up okay and I am able to survive. I am sure it's no difference this time.

what am I supposed to feel?

It happened, so what am i supposed to feel?

I talked to asuka last night about what's happening. There wasn't any comment added.

Since my mind is still a little messed up right now, I can't put everything into sentences. I am going to organize everything in the most comfortable way, scientific form

• I am still wondering what his intentions are.
• Does he like me? Or just playing?
• If he's playing, I lose a friend.
• If he's not, am I really want to go out with him?
• Since I didn't say anything, will he think that I am playing?
• He hasn't called since, he is gonna call me?
• If he's playing, I will never see him online again.
• If he's not playing, I wish I will go serious with him.
• If he's playing, do I still want to talk to him.
• verick said that he would be surprised if he has feelings for me
• what am i supposed to feel?

Honestly, sometimes when I look at myself, which part of me could make people to have feelings for me? If I were a guy, I wouldn't fall in love with me. Why would he like me? Just try to use the functional part of your pighead.

I am so freaking screwed up. I am so confused. I don't even know what I want. If he doesn't call at all, I will just assume he is playing and I will not bother him in my entire life again. (shit, I am freaking drowning. Why do I have tears when I think that I am not going to see him again.)

I wrote a letter to the Holy Mother. I really wish the Holy Mother will send her blessings to him. I asked her to take care him emotionally, his new business and his back pain.

Damn, the more I think about it, the more I miss him...... i am never gonna see him online again.